• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.50 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
There was a so'etching seen on the a 303 near Stone Henge, was it one of the missing ones ?
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
A boss said to his secretary I want to have
SEX with you I will make it very fast. I'll throw
£1000 on the floor, by the time you bend
down to pick it I'll be done. She thought for a
moment then called her boyfriend and told
him the story. Her boyfriend then said to her,
do it but "Ask him for £2000, pick up the
money very fast he wouldn't even have enough
time to undress himself." So she agrees.
Half an hour goes by, the boyfriend decides to
call girlfriend, he asks, what happened? She
responds, "The ******* used coins I'm still
picking and he is still f*cking!"
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
I woke up this morning to see everyone's Facebook status' saying stuff like, "RIP. You were so funny to watch and listen to".

Is Stephen Hawking dead?
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.


She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist. "Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.


"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking Through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter?"
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
A good Catholic Nun working in a convent next to a construction
site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some
time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers; and
talk with them.

She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot
where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked:
"And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other. Very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out,
"Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"

One of the steelworkers yelled down, "Why?"'

The worker yelled back, "'Cause his Mum's here with his lunch."
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
Two old ladies were outside their nursing
home, having a smoke,
when it started to rain.
One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut
off the end, put it over her cigarette, and
continued smoking.
Her friend said, "What's that?"
The first lady replied, "A condom. This way,
my cigarette doesn't get wet."
"Where did you get it from?"
"You can get them at any chemist's."
The next day, the friend hobbled down to the
local chemist on her
zimmer frame and announced to the
pharmacist that she wanted a packet of
condoms.
The guy looked at her kind of strangely
(she was, after all, over 80 years old),
but politely asked what brand she preferred.
"It doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it
fits a Camel…."
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Club Sponsor
A perfect tale!!
Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys....

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?

Answer:

The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Women stop reading here, that is the end of the joke.

**** Men keep scrolling.

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point:

Women never listen.!!
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
Woken up at 5 o clock this morning by a copper banging on my door.
Cop, "Mr Kelly"
Me, "Yes"
Cop, "We've had a report that your dog has chased a man on a bike"
Me, "That's crap, my dog doesn't even have a bike".
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
This brings back memories...one of my pals bought his mrs two tins of magnolia for their first wedding anniversary.

The marriage didn't last. Suspect that was probably due to him not being able to keep his dick in his trousers rather than the paint though.
 
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