1. Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
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Daily Smile thread

Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Diego Maradona decides to come out of retirement and play for Chelsea, he goes into the changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
    "What's up?" He asks.
    "Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We know it's important but it's only Liverpool. They're shit and we can't be bothered".
    Maradona looks at them and says "Well I know I'm a bit fat and old, but I reckon I can beat them by myself, you lads go down the pub."
    So Maradona goes out to play Liverpool by himself and the rest of the Chelsea team go off for a few beers. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the TV on. A big cheer goes up as the screen shows
    "Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 0
    He is beating Liverpool all by himself! Anyway, a few more beers later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on" They put the TV on.
    "Result from Stamford Bridge: Chelsea 1 (Maradona 10 minutes) – Liverpool 1 (Sturridge 89 minutes)
    They can't believe it, he has single handed got a draw against Liverpool! They rush back to the Stadium to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands.
    He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down I've let you down"
    "Don't be stupid Diego, you got a draw against Liverpool all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
    Maradonna says "No, No, I have, I've let you down!. I got sent off after 12 minutes!"
    • Cool Cool x 2
  2. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    The wife bought herself a parrot but after a week, she took it back to the pet shop.
    "This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained to the owner.
    "I haven't had a bloody chance yet!" replied the parrot.
    • Cool Cool x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  3. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door.

    A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

    "No, they went to town."

    "How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

    "No, he went with Mom and Dad."

    The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other,and mumbling to himself.

    "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

    "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my frickin' daughter Suzy pregnant."

    The boy thought for a moment... "You would have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."
    • Cool Cool x 2
  4. derek kelly

    derek kelly The Deli lama Club Sponsor

    Glen campbell lost half his body weight in the months leading up to his death.
    He was a nine stone cowboy.
  5. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Seen the latest bog pans ?
    They have wifi built n so you can post your shit straight to the internet
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    A long time ago Woman and I decided we don't want children

    The kids took it badly.
    • Cool Cool x 1
  7. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    • Cool Cool x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  8. derek kelly

    derek kelly The Deli lama Club Sponsor

    The total ban on smoking in British prisons comes into force on 4th september, prison bosses are preparing for an influx of serial vapists.
    • Cool Cool x 1
  9. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    The Hunting Accident

    A guy was hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over & discharged, shooting him in the genitals.

    Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

    "Well, sir, I have some good news & some bad news.

    The good news is that you are going to be OK.

    The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, & we were able to remove all of the buckshot."

    "What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.

    "The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your willy which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."

    "Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied.

    "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"

    " Not exactly answered the doctor.

    "She's a flute player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye."
    • Cool Cool x 1
  10. Quiney

    Quiney Been there, and had one Club Sponsor

    Murphy's staggering home after a skinful of Guinness when he's approached by a blonde lady-of-the-night.
    "Hi darlin' if ya got ten quid, you can have a go at this," she says and with that, lifts her skirt and shows him her crutchless panties, exposing her cockpit.
    Murphy bends down, squints at the offering and says, "Yer fkn kiddin' luv, I wouldn't touch that if you gave me ten quid. Not after what it's done to yer fkn knickers!"
  11. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    One for you to work out...

    Took me several minutes !!

    • Cool Cool x 1
  12. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

  13. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    • Cool Cool x 1
    • Thanks Thanks x 1
    • Great stuff ! Great stuff ! x 1
  14. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Connor Pass...
    Two men walk into a pet shop , they walk over to the bird
    section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

    The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

    'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat
    cage up dere,' says Gerry..

    The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

    Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get
    into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. .
    At the Connor Pass , Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop
    and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place..'

    He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder
    and jumps off the cliff.

    Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the
    way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

    Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes
    his head and says, nope”.

    Dis budgie jumping is too dangerous for me!'

    THERE'S MORE. ...

    Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

    He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of
    the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the

    'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

    He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

    He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the

    Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and
    shoots the parrot.

    Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the
    bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

    Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat
    parrotshooting either!'


    Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends
    when Sean appears.

    He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard
    box out of which he pulls a chicken.

    Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself
    off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his

    Once more Paddy shakes his head. “not for me for, lads.
    First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And

    now Sean and his bloody hengliding!
    • Cool Cool x 1
  15. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    Our dog went missing yesterday, the missus told me to go and find him.

    I looked everywhere, in the park ,down by the river, out on the common, nothing.

    So I went home and told the wife, she went ballistic and told me I should look harder.

    So I went out, had my head shaved and got a tattoo but I still can't find the dog.
    • Cool Cool x 3
    • Funny Funny x 1
  16. derek kelly

    derek kelly The Deli lama Club Sponsor

    Glen campbell had Alzeimers, he was getting cards & letters from people he didn't even know.
    • Cool Cool x 1
  17. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

    • Cool Cool x 1
  18. T.C

    T.C Been there, and had one Club Sponsor

    Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

    I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

    I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it. I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!

    In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest. He wouldn't even smell it. What could I do but drink it!

    By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so bloody drunk I could hardly push his pram back home.
  19. sr71caspar

    sr71caspar B̶a̶n̶n̶e̶d̶ Club Sponsor

    According to Tetley tea makers, the best way to make a cuppa is to agitate the bag.

    So every morning I slap her lardy arse and say "Two sugars, fatty"
    • Cool Cool x 6
    • Funny Funny x 1
  20. Jaws

    Jaws Corporal CockUp Staff Member Moderator

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