• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.50 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
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lumpy

Wants to Shag BandyIrd
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Passionate Pierre.


Pierre the famous French fighter pilot goes on a date with his new love, Marie. At the end of a wonderful evening they get a bit amorous.


'Kiss me on the lips,' cries marie.


Pierre gets out a bottle of red wine, pours it on Marie's lips and kisses her.


'why did you pour red wine on my lips?' asks Marie.

'I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, and I like red wine when I have red meat,' he replies.


'Kiss me lower!' she pleads as they get more passionate.


Pierre pours white wine over her breast before kissing them.


'why white wine?' she asks.


'I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, when I have white meat I have white wine', he replies.


The passion has become red-hot, Marie cries, 'Pierre, Pierre, kiss me lower, kiss me lower.'


Pierre tears of her undies, pours cognac on her muff and sets it alight.

'Pierre!!! Why did you do that!!!' she cries.


'I am Pierre the famous French fighter pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!
 

Quiney

Been there, and had one
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A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ..... "I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
board?"
Again silence.

" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and
said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the
Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......
 

Cougar377

Express elevator to hell
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According to Tetley tea makers, the best way to make a cuppa is to agitate the bag.


So every morning I slap her lardy arse and say "Two sugars, fatty"


Cnut..! Sprayed the screen and keyboard with coffee .....:D
 

Cougar377

Express elevator to hell
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Paddy and Mick are in a big airliner on their way to somewhere exotic for their holidays.

Somewhere over the Pacific the captain fires up the intercom.

"I'm afraid that, due to a minor malfunction, we have had to shut down number 1 engine. But please don't be alarmed...this aircraft has been designed to safely fly with one engine out. It does, however, mean that we will be slightly late landing at our destination. I estimate the delay to be about half an hour".

Another half an hour passes by and the captain is back on the intercom.

"Passengers, I'm afraid to say that number 2 engine has also developed a minor problem, so as a precautionary measure we will be shutting it down and cruising on the remaining two engines. Don't worry though...this aircraft has been designed to safely fly with two engines shut down, but obviously this will delay our landing, probably by a further one hour".

An hour passes and once again the captain is on the intercom.

"I'm sorry to say that the number 3 engine is now playing up, so for safety reasons we have decided to shut it down too. I would like to point out that this airliner has been designed with just this sort of eventuality in mind and can safely be flown on the one remaining engine, but it will unfortunately have a major impact on our landing time. I estimate that our arrival time will now be about 4 hours late".

"Feck' me, Mick", says Paddy, "I hope the number 4 engine doesn't get shut down....we'll be up here all feckin' night...".
 

andyBeaker

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The top 15 funniest jokes from the Fringe
1. "I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change" - Ken Cheng

2. "Trump's nothing like Hitler. There's no way he could write a book" - Frankie Boyle

3. "I've given up asking rhetorical questions. What's the point?" - Alexei Sayle

4. "I'm looking for the girl next door type. I'm just gonna keep moving house till I find her" - Lew Fitz

5. "I like to imagine the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the 'brella'. But he hesitated" - Andy Field

6. "Combine Harvesters. And you'll have a really big restaurant" - Mark Simmons

7. "I'm rubbish with names. It's not my fault, it's a condition. There's a name for it..." - Jimeoin

8. "I have two boys, 5 and 6. We're no good at naming things in our house" - Ed Byrne

9. "I wasn't particularly close to my dad before he died... which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine" - Olaf Falafel

10. "Whenever someone says, 'I don't believe in coincidences.' I say, 'Oh my God, me neither!"' - Alasdair Beckett-King

11. "A friend tricked me into going to Wimbledon by telling me it was a men's singles event" - Angela Barnes

12. "As a vegan, I think people who sell meat are disgusting; but apparently people who sell fruit and veg are grocer" - Adele Cliff

13. "For me dying is a lot like going camping. I don't want to do it" - Phil Wang

14. "I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark" - Adam Hess

15. "I went to a Pretenders gig. It was a tribute act" - Tim Vine
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
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A Genie
A husband and wife find a bottle on the beach.

The wife picks it up and a genie pops out.

"Madam, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

The wife is jumping with joy."Okay, I wish we were billionaires...and I wish we lived in the biggest mansion in Beverly Hills."

Poof.

They are transported to a beautiful mansion that is filled with diamonds and gold.

"Madam, for your final wish?" Asks the genie.

The woman looks at her husband and smiles, "I wish my husband would give me the best foot massage in the world, every time I asked him too.

Poof.

She asks her husband for a foot massage and he instantly begins to massage his wife's feet, she is overjoyed at the pleasure it gives her.

When he is finished, the man picks up the bottle, rubs it, and the genie again appears.

"Sir, I will grant you three wishes," speaks the genie.

"I wish that all the candy floss in the world were gone, forever," the man says.

Poof.

The genie assures him it is done and the mans wife begins to scream at him for wasting a wish.

"Second," says the husband, "I wish my wife craved candy floss every minute of everyday."

Poof.

The wife is still screaming but then she starts demanding candy floss.

"Sir, your final wish?" Asks the genie.

The husband looks at his wife and smiles, "I wish my dick tasted like candy floss.
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
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My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size.
So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
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Happy Transfer Deadline Day!!

or

If you're an Arsenal fan, Happy Thursday! ;)
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
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An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor’s office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”

“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”

“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”

A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”

“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”

“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”
 
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