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I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the
altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly.
The pilot speaks over the intercom ..... "I'm sorry it has come
to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to
jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne ".
Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues
to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do
this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to
start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this
Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'".
"Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no
answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on
" C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"
Still there is silence.
A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and
said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"
She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the
Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus"......
Paddy and Mick are in a big airliner on their way to somewhere exotic for their holidays.
Somewhere over the Pacific the captain fires up the intercom.
"I'm afraid that, due to a minor malfunction, we have had to shut down number 1 engine. But please don't be alarmed...this aircraft has been designed to safely fly with one engine out. It does, however, mean that we will be slightly late landing at our destination. I estimate the delay to be about half an hour".
Another half an hour passes by and the captain is back on the intercom.
"Passengers, I'm afraid to say that number 2 engine has also developed a minor problem, so as a precautionary measure we will be shutting it down and cruising on the remaining two engines. Don't worry though...this aircraft has been designed to safely fly with two engines shut down, but obviously this will delay our landing, probably by a further one hour".
An hour passes and once again the captain is on the intercom.
"I'm sorry to say that the number 3 engine is now playing up, so for safety reasons we have decided to shut it down too. I would like to point out that this airliner has been designed with just this sort of eventuality in mind and can safely be flown on the one remaining engine, but it will unfortunately have a major impact on our landing time. I estimate that our arrival time will now be about 4 hours late".
"Feck' me, Mick", says Paddy, "I hope the number 4 engine doesn't get shut down....we'll be up here all feckin' night...".
My dwarf girlfriend went to work this morning upset with me, because I've been taking the piss out of her size.
So I'm going all out to make it up to her tonight.
I've got a good bottle of wine in and bought her the latest dvd box set of her favourite programme. When she gets in from work I'm going to order her favourite takeaway for her tea, then go upstairs and run her a nice hot sink.
An exhausted looking blonde dragged herself in to the doctor’s office.
“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can’t get a wink of sleep.”
“I have good news for you,” the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. “Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over.”
“Great,” the blonde answered, “I’ll try anything. Let’s give it a shot.”
A few weeks later the blonde returned, looking worse than ever. “Doc, your plan is no good. I’m more tired than before!”
“I don’t understand how that could be”, said the doctor, shaking his head. “Those are the strongest pills on the market!”
“That may be true,” answered the blonde wearily, “but I’m still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it’s really hard getting him to swallow the pill!”