• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.50 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

T.C

Been there, and had one
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A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you’ll luck out and catch yourself a big one!” Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, “Damn it, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”
 

Quiney

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.
 

Quiney

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to
God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96
which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to
fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of
your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing...........

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office!!!


Sincerely, Edna
 

Centaur

Site Pedant
Club Sponsor
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job
was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to
God with no actual address.
He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it,
which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to,
and you are my only hope...
Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers.
Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96
which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna
and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.


It read:


Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to
fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of
your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing...........

I think it might have been those bastards at the post office!!!


Sincerely, Edna

Absolutely brilliant.
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
A guy called buster keeps messaging me on facebook, sending me random clips from 1970's band The Sweet.
Does anyone know the way, there's got to be a way, to block buster
 

Quiney

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
Walking with his legs spread apart.

He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:

"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:

"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him
and one of the students said to him, "we're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have ...
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,

"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "well, I thought it was wind - but I was wrong, too!"
 
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derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
The cast of the magnificent seven have been invited to Liverpool to advertise aftershave, six of them agreed but Yul never wore cologne.
 

Steve Ashby

Old Hand
Club Sponsor
An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

His cousin is the well known optician - Asif Eyecare
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
I have a Polish friend who is a sound engineer, I have a Czech one too.

Just found out my sciatica is caused by litening to classical music, I have Bach-ache.
 

andyBeaker

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
And then there is the Russian snooker player - Inoff The Red
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Went to give a sperm sample the other day the nurse said would i like to masturbate in the cup , I said Thanks but I don't think I'm ready for a competition yet
 
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