SHAG.. funny word isn't it?
To a carpet maker it's a long pile rug..
To a smoker it's tobacco..
To an American it's a dance..
To an ornithologist it's a bird..
And to ugly b@stards it's just a remote possibility!
All this January sales shopping lark is a load of bollocks.
Went to Boots guess what? they dont sell boots,
Went to Currys guess what? they dont sell currys,
Went to Selfridges guess what? they don't sell fucking fridges.
And that Virgin Megastore... what a let down that was !!!
My mate doesn't half come out with some stupid things in the pub
His wife is one of them
Just had a couple of drinks of Teachers Whiskey.
He's chasing me down the street now!!
I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin,
I said "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"!!
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.
Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
Gets a bit embarrassing when my dog sniffs the crotch of visitors.
They give me some funny looks though because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
1st blonde girl: "I've just taken a pregnancy test."
2nd blonde girl: "Were the questions hard???"
I got both of my ears pierced yesterday
That's the last time i go to the pub when it's women's darts night
Lib Dem MP comes out as Pansexual...
Apparently she gets turned on by saucepans !
A man asked an elderly Native American what his wife's name was.
The old Indian replied, "She called 'Five Horses'.
" The man said, "That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"
The ancient Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean... . . . . . .
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG !
Paddy tells Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was only a few days old."
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, "Well, I couldn't walk for 18 months!"
My wife's been pissed off with me she says I don't notice her.
I said I do.
Ok she said what's different about me?
I said you've had your haircut?
No she said
You've had a spray tan?
No!
You've got new clothes?
No!
Go on what's different?
She said I'm wearing a bloody GAS MASK !!
To a carpet maker it's a long pile rug..
To a smoker it's tobacco..
To an American it's a dance..
To an ornithologist it's a bird..
And to ugly b@stards it's just a remote possibility!
All this January sales shopping lark is a load of bollocks.
Went to Boots guess what? they dont sell boots,
Went to Currys guess what? they dont sell currys,
Went to Selfridges guess what? they don't sell fucking fridges.
And that Virgin Megastore... what a let down that was !!!
My mate doesn't half come out with some stupid things in the pub
His wife is one of them
Just had a couple of drinks of Teachers Whiskey.
He's chasing me down the street now!!
I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin,
I said "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"!!
A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.
Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.
Gets a bit embarrassing when my dog sniffs the crotch of visitors.
They give me some funny looks though because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.
1st blonde girl: "I've just taken a pregnancy test."
2nd blonde girl: "Were the questions hard???"
I got both of my ears pierced yesterday
That's the last time i go to the pub when it's women's darts night
Lib Dem MP comes out as Pansexual...
Apparently she gets turned on by saucepans !
A man asked an elderly Native American what his wife's name was.
The old Indian replied, "She called 'Five Horses'.
" The man said, "That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"
The ancient Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean... . . . . . .
NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG !
Paddy tells Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was only a few days old."
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, "Well, I couldn't walk for 18 months!"
My wife's been pissed off with me she says I don't notice her.
I said I do.
Ok she said what's different about me?
I said you've had your haircut?
No she said
You've had a spray tan?
No!
You've got new clothes?
No!
Go on what's different?
She said I'm wearing a bloody GAS MASK !!