• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
SHAG.. funny word isn't it?
To a carpet maker it's a long pile rug..
To a smoker it's tobacco..
To an American it's a dance..
To an ornithologist it's a bird..
And to ugly b@stards it's just a remote possibility!

All this January sales shopping lark is a load of bollocks.
Went to Boots guess what? they dont sell boots,
Went to Currys guess what? they dont sell currys,
Went to Selfridges guess what? they don't sell fucking fridges.
And that Virgin Megastore... what a let down that was !!!

My mate doesn't half come out with some stupid things in the pub
His wife is one of them

Just had a couple of drinks of Teachers Whiskey.
He's chasing me down the street now!!

I came home from the pub this morning at 3am, only to see my wife standing at the front door holding a rolling pin,
I said "What are you doing baking at this time of the morning?"!!

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.
Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

Gets a bit embarrassing when my dog sniffs the crotch of visitors.
They give me some funny looks though because he's a chihuahua and I have to lift him up.

1st blonde girl: "I've just taken a pregnancy test."
2nd blonde girl: "Were the questions hard???"

I got both of my ears pierced yesterday
That's the last time i go to the pub when it's women's darts night

Lib Dem MP comes out as Pansexual...
Apparently she gets turned on by saucepans !

A man asked an elderly Native American what his wife's name was.
The old Indian replied, "She called 'Five Horses'.
" The man said, "That's an unusual name. What does it mean?"
The ancient Indian answered, "It old Indian name. It mean... . . . . . .

NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG !


Paddy tells Mick, "I'm getting circumcised tomorrow."
Mick says, "I had that done when I was only a few days old."
Paddy asks "Does it hurt?"
Mick says, "Well, I couldn't walk for 18 months!"

My wife's been pissed off with me she says I don't notice her.
I said I do.
Ok she said what's different about me?
I said you've had your haircut?
No she said
You've had a spray tan?
No!
You've got new clothes?
No!
Go on what's different?
She said I'm wearing a bloody GAS MASK !!
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Dont ya love it when people have the time to do this

Chocolate.jpg
 
ianrobbo1

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Manchester, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love motorbikes, sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Percy Shaw invented cats eyes 86 yrs ago.
He came out of the pub late one night, a cat walked towards him in the middle of the road which gave him the idea of cats eyes.
Had the cat been walking in the opposite direction he would probably have invented the pencil sharpener.
 
Jaws

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Batman came up to me & he hit me over the head with a vase & he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
hand."

You invented Tipp Ex, correct me if I'm wrong.

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet 'Best
Before End'

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I
said "No, just a watch."

I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he?"

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy
said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it
is."

I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.

I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."

I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his
name, it's P something T something R.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put
it down.

I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and
on.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I
wouldn't do it if you paid me."

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I
said, "You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this
is for the custard."

This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin
paper. He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said
"Tenpin?" I said, "No, it's a permanent job."

I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me
on?" I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
anything."

I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"

This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"

I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull
goes first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen
on it. I thought that's Aboriginal.

I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director & I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"

I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's so tiny you couldn't
swing a cat in there.

I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.

I bought a train ticket and the driver said "Eurostar" I said "Well I've
been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.

I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays
or Thursdays."

I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The
Elephant Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "How about Batman
Forever?" He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
 
T.C

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
We're so skint after Christmas that I've had to get my wife to sell one of her kidneys...
If things get any worse I might have to cancel Sky Sports...
 
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