Our local brewery are to be applauded for embracing diversity, they have just hired a one legged man in a managerial position, he’s in charge of the hops.
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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
If a sheep is called a ram and a donkey is called an ass, how come a ram in the ass is called a goose?
Here’s an interesting question, who picks up guide dog’s shit?
A tramp walking across a bridge sees an attractive but distressed woman trying to pluck up courage to jump. “If you’re going to end your life how about us having sex first?”
She tells him “no way”
Tramp replies “fine, I’ll just wait at the bottom”
She tells him “no way”
Tramp replies “fine, I’ll just wait at the bottom”
Unashamedly pinched from a friend
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names of Scottish towns..
..Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine..
..Ayr Town Centre.
Have you noticed how many F1 drivers have names of Scottish towns..
..Stirling Moss, Lewis Hamilton, Eddie Irvine..
..Ayr Town Centre.
I was struggling on a crossword. 5 across, 6 letters:
'Someone who has not had sexual intercourse yet'
_ I _ G _ _
Oh hang, just got it....
GINGER
Just bought some Viagra tea bags...
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft!
When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent...
She's always a little krankie in the morning!
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant,
"Is this good for wasps?"
The assistant replied, "No. It kills them!"
My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers,
"What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"
"A power cut," was was the wrong answer apparently!
A cup has been thrown on the pitch aimed at Chelsea's goalkeeper.
That's the trophy cabinet empty now then...
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack!
Just phoned the wife. "Do you want me to pick fish and chips up on the way home?" I said.
After a stoney silence, I still think she regrets letting me name the twins!
Every Christmas at our house we have pigs in blankets...
Although I suppose I should really call them the in-laws!
The missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas...
I bet you this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!
Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
I just got an amazing Black Friday deal! It's a new Tesla Model X for my wife!
She'll be surprised but in my eyes, its a great trade!
'Someone who has not had sexual intercourse yet'
_ I _ G _ _
Oh hang, just got it....
GINGER
Just bought some Viagra tea bags...
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft!
When my wife gets out of bed, she likes to put on a school boys uniform, a school cap and speak in a Scottish accent...
She's always a little krankie in the morning!
A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant,
"Is this good for wasps?"
The assistant replied, "No. It kills them!"
My wife asked me earlier before going to the hairdressers,
"What cut do you think would make me more attractive?"
"A power cut," was was the wrong answer apparently!
A cup has been thrown on the pitch aimed at Chelsea's goalkeeper.
That's the trophy cabinet empty now then...
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack!
Just phoned the wife. "Do you want me to pick fish and chips up on the way home?" I said.
After a stoney silence, I still think she regrets letting me name the twins!
Every Christmas at our house we have pigs in blankets...
Although I suppose I should really call them the in-laws!
The missus has asked for something in silk for Christmas...
I bet you this tin of emulsion will be the wrong colour!
Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
I just got an amazing Black Friday deal! It's a new Tesla Model X for my wife!
She'll be surprised but in my eyes, its a great trade!
I thought orthopaedic shoes wouldn’t work but I stand corrected.
I said to my son "Where are you going tonight all dressed up?"
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl"
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know"
"Wear a what dad?"
he said. "You know, put a hat on"
I said. "Do you mean a condom Dad?"
he said. "No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"
Doctor: "Do you look at your wife's face during sex?"
Me: "I did once and she looked very angry.
" Doctor: "Why?"
Me: "Because she was watching from the window!"
He said "I'm off to meet a new girl"
I said "Don't forget to wear a, you know"
"Wear a what dad?"
he said. "You know, put a hat on"
I said. "Do you mean a condom Dad?"
he said. "No I mean a hat you ginger twat!"
Doctor: "Do you look at your wife's face during sex?"
Me: "I did once and she looked very angry.
" Doctor: "Why?"
Me: "Because she was watching from the window!"
THE GIRAFFE TEST
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it.
The correct answer is - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)
2.How do you put and elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the door put in the elephant and close the refrigerator? - Wrong answer -
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
(This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend . . . except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there
(This tests your memory)
4.There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer. You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
(This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes)
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator? Stop and think about it.
The correct answer is - Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
(This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.)
2.How do you put and elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the door put in the elephant and close the refrigerator? - Wrong answer -
Correct answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
(This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.)
3.The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend . . . except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there
(This tests your memory)
4.There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct answer. You jump into the river and swim across.
Have you not been listening? All the crocodiles are attending the animal conference.
(This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes)
I just moved to a new neighborhood. My attractive new female neighbor loves gardening and plants as much as I do. After chatting for awhile she asked me if I would you like to come over and see her pussywillow.
I told her I would be thrilled and my name's not willow
I told her I would be thrilled and my name's not willow
It all depends on whether you shut the cooker door.