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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
I rode my bicycle to the supermarket to buy a bottle of whisky.
Then I remembered that it was very slippy outside.
I didn't want the bottle to smash, so I drank the whole thing before cycling home.
It's a good job I did, because I slipped and fell 13 times!
The Wife said “Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits!"
I said “For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"
I don't eat oak, pine, or sycamore.
I'm tree total!
I get very excited and turned on by women in boots.
Which is why I'm banned, and now I have to buy all my toiletries in Superdrug.
My mate Sid has had his ID Stolen .
Now he's known as S
I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The shops are less crowded and everything is half price.
Then I remembered that it was very slippy outside.
I didn't want the bottle to smash, so I drank the whole thing before cycling home.
It's a good job I did, because I slipped and fell 13 times!
The Wife said “Look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits!"
I said “For God’s sake woman, it’s a scarf!"
I don't eat oak, pine, or sycamore.
I'm tree total!
I get very excited and turned on by women in boots.
Which is why I'm banned, and now I have to buy all my toiletries in Superdrug.
My mate Sid has had his ID Stolen .
Now he's known as S
I think Christmas should be moved to January.
The shops are less crowded and everything is half price.
Someone threw a bottle of omega-3 pills at me today.
I'm ok, I only received super fish oil injuries.
I'm ok, I only received super fish oil injuries.
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said.
You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."
Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"
The man replied, "These are Carols."
A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."
As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"
"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"