Daily Smile thread

[Quiney]

Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired to their room at the palace.

Camilla flopped on the bed and said 'Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.'

Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, but it would not budge.

'Harder' yelled Camilla.

'Harder?' Charles yelled back, 'I'm trying darling! But it's just so bloody tight!'

'Come on give it all you've got ' she cried.

Finally when it released, Charles let out a big groan, and Camilla exclaimed 'Oh God, that feels so good.'

In their bedroom next door The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said, 'See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!'

Meanwhile back in the other bedroom Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out 'Oh god, darling this ones even tighter'

At which point Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen: 'That's my boy, Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!'

 

[Quiney]

 

[T.C]

If I had a pound for every woman who called me handsome,.. I’d have a pound.

Thanks Grandma.

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

My wife just told me to put the toilet seat down.
I don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.

I bought a dictionary and all the pages were blank.
I have no words for how angry I am.

Just so everybody is clear...
I’m gonna put my glasses on.

What do you call a ghost's boobs?
Paranormal entitties.

My Son asked, “Dad, what are condoms for?”
“Usually to avoid answering questions like these.” I replied.

What word becomes shorter when you add two letters to it?
Short.

Every morning after I wake up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shite to Ikea.

My girlfriend asked me to stop singing I'm a believer by The Monkees, because she found it annoying.
At first I thought she was kidding.
But then I saw her face.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook...
But she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

 

[Quiney]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a darn any more.

If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.

A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while

A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.

And you tell me to exercise ?? I don't think so.

Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:

1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.

3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?

7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.

8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the lamp post.

9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.

10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.

11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.

14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.

15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.

16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.

17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . . I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".

19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.

20. HAVE I POSTED THIS POST PREVIOUSLY. .........??????

 

[T.C]

 

[Squag1]

Silly song

 

[Jaws]

 

[Jaws]

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

First image received from Mars

 

[Jaws]

 

[derek kelly]

Decided to set myself as a proof reader, I’m going to back it up by offering 100% monkey back guarantee

 

[Jaws]

 

[derek kelly]

Never told you how Bev & I met, we were at a fancy dress party, both dressed as dolphins & we just clicked

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]