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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
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- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Just googled it...
Why on earth would I know anything about wendy ball !
Would you appreciate a joke about making antennas ?
What did the 2BCX 16 say to the competition version ?
Hello Stretch
Always good to be accused of posting in 'pretty poor taste'
Ass u me........
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employee was absent without giving any prior notice.
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!
Needing to have an urgent work problem resolved, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted by a child's whispered, "Hello."
"Is your Daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the little voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was someone with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, "Is anyone else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Mommy and Daddy and the neighbours," came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A helicopter," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed a helicopter."
Alarmed, confused, and a little frustrated, the boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle..."Me!
Best loom fix ever !!
That showed Honda how it SHOULD have been done !
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Note to self, "I knew not to check on the loom fix did on my bike" was the right way to go!!
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
The people in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones...
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
But the people in Abu Dhabi Doooo!
- What’s the difference between sand and menstrual blood?
You can’t gargle sand.
- Why was the washing machine laughing?
Because it was taking the piss out of the knickers
- “Mum can I have a cat for Christmas this year?”
“No you’ll have turkey like the rest of us!”
- What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade my dick up your arse
- Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy
- Billy has 5 albums by Morrissey and he buys 2 more, what does Billy have?
Depression, Billy has depression.
A woman from Edinburgh who was a tree hugging liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of woodland near Auchterhouse. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree.
As she neared the top she encountered a Tawny \owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Liberal, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Scottish National Heritage, the Forestry Commission, the Cooncil and SEPA before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but they turned you down.
As she neared the top she encountered a Tawny \owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Liberal, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor re-appeared.The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?"
He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from Scottish National Heritage, the Forestry Commission, the Cooncil and SEPA before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a Waste Treatment Facility.
And I'm sorry, but they turned you down.
I’m getting coal for Christmas this year.
I’m Hawking in the air.
I’m Hawking in the air.
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As Derek is in the Xmas spirit..........
What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Christmas is so stupid…
Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?
When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa.
What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?
Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.
I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…
Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.
What do you call Santa’s helpers?
Subordinate clauses.
Christmas is so stupid…
Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.
