Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.
An elderly Scottish Jew decided to retire and take up golf, so he applied for membership at a local golf club.
About a week later he received a letter that his application has been rejected.
He went to the club to inquire as to why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye, but I am as Scottish as you are, ma'am, my name is MacTavish.
Secretary: Do you know that on formal occasions we wear a kilt?
Scot: Aye, I do know, and I wear a kilt too.
Secretary: You are also aware, that we wear nothing under the kilt?
Scot: Aye, and neither do I.
Secretary: Are you also aware, that the members sit naked in the steam room?
Scot: Aye, I also do the same.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So, being Jewish, you are circumcised, is that correct?
Scot: Aye, I be that, too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable sitting in the steam room with you, since your privates are different from theirs.
Scot: Aye, away with ya, ma'am. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orange men. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to join the Knights of Columbus. But this is the first time I've heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
MARIJUANA AND MARRIAGE
For those who haven't heard, Washington State passed two laws a couple of years ago.
They legalised gay marriage and legalised marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalised on the same day makes perfect Biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says: "If a man lies with another man they should be stoned".
Apparently we just hadn't interpreted it correctly before!
What floats on water and goes Quick?
A South African Duck
The CEO's of Budweiser, Coors and Guinness walk into a bar and the bartender takes orders.
The CEO of Budweiser says "I'll take a Bud Light. It's crisp, refreshing, and doesn't hurt the budget!"
The bartender moves down the line.
The CEO of Coors says "I'll take a Coors light. It's colder, even more refreshing, and won't give you a beer gut!"
He then asks the Guinness CEO what he wants and he says "I'll have a water."
The others give a confused look and the bartender says "but... why aren't you ordering a beer?"
He responds, "well, nobody else did."
Andy Dougie Lidster
2 November 2015 · Calgary, AB, Canada ·
Following complaints made to the IRB about the All Blacks being allowed to motivate themselves by performing the 'Haka' before their games, other nations were asked to suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The IRB Committee has now agreed to the following pre-match displays:
1.. The England team will chat about the weather, wave hankies in the air and attach bells to their ankles before moaning about how they invented the game and gave it to the world, and how it's not fair that everyone still thinks New Zealand are the best team in the world.
2. The Scotland team will chant "You lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an Iron Bru bottle over their opponents' heads.
3.. The Ireland team will split into two, with the Southern half performing a Riverdance, while the Northerners march the Traditional route from their dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
4.. Argentina will unexpectedly invade a small part of opposition territory, claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by the match stewards.
5.. Two members of the South African team will claim to be more important than the other 13 whom they will imprison between the posts whilst they claim the rest of the pitch for themselves.
6.. The Americans will not attend until almost full time. In future years they will amend the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called 'Saving No.8 Lyle'.
7.. Five of the Canadian team will sing La Marseillaise and hold the rest of the team to ransom.
8.. The Italian team will arrive in Armani gear, sexually harass the female stewards and then run away.
9.. The Spanish will sneak into the other half of the pitch, mow it and then claim that it was all in line with European "grass quotas". They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time, when their appeal for compensation against the UK Government will be heard.
10.. The Japanese will attempt to strengthen their team by offering good salaries to the key opposition players and then run around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
11.. The French will declare they have new scientific evidence that the opposition are in fact all mad. They will then park lorries across the halfway line, let sheep loose in the opposition half (much to the delight of the WELSH) and burn the officials.
12.. The Australians will have a barbie before negotiating lucrative singing and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite all their mates to come and live with them in Shepherds Bush."
13.. Unfortunately the Committee were unable to accept the Welsh suggestion following representations from the RSPCA.