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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Two fellas walking through the bush, they come to this bloody great hole in the ground, an old mine shaft.
"Jeeez Wayne, I wonder how deep that is?" says one
"Dunno Bruce, but if we find something to bung down ther we can count the seconds before it hits the bottom and work it out from there"
Wayne points to this big heavy truck G/box that was lying near the Shaft "That'll do Bruce"
They both struggled to lift it and carry it over to the shaft, they
tossed it in.
Just then this Goat came out of the Bush at a high rate of knots and leapt into the shaft
" 'king oath"said Wayne "did yu see that?"
Just then a Farmer came through the bush,
"Gi day fellas have yu seen a Goat by any chance?"
They told the farmer what they had seen,
"Nah!" Said the farmer " Thet can't be my Goat, I had the bugger chained to this bloody great truck Gear Box"
"Jeeez Wayne, I wonder how deep that is?" says one
"Dunno Bruce, but if we find something to bung down ther we can count the seconds before it hits the bottom and work it out from there"
Wayne points to this big heavy truck G/box that was lying near the Shaft "That'll do Bruce"
They both struggled to lift it and carry it over to the shaft, they
tossed it in.
Just then this Goat came out of the Bush at a high rate of knots and leapt into the shaft
" 'king oath"said Wayne "did yu see that?"
Just then a Farmer came through the bush,
"Gi day fellas have yu seen a Goat by any chance?"
They told the farmer what they had seen,
"Nah!" Said the farmer " Thet can't be my Goat, I had the bugger chained to this bloody great truck Gear Box"
The Frozen Carburettor Incident:
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in Northern British Columbia, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, broken down at the side of the road.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne..."
In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the courtroom. Indeed, giggles can erupt at almost any time or place. For example, on a bitterly cold winter's day months ago in Northern British Columbia, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, broken down at the side of the road.
"What's the matter?" asked the Policeman.
"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.
"Piss on it. That'll thaw it out."
"I can't." said the biker.
"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The constable promptly warmed the carburettor as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving.
A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began: "On behalf of my daughter Joanne..."
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Colin Knows Everyone
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Trump"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the bloody hell is that on the balcony with Colin"...?
Colin was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them"...
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Colin how about Tom Cruise"...? "Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it"...
So Colin and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Colin! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch"...
Although impressed, Colin's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Colin that he thinks Colin's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else"... Colin says.. "President Trump"... His boss quickly retorts. "Yes"... Colin says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington"... And off they go.
At the White House, Trump spots Colin on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Colin, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up"...
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Colin, who again implores him to name anyone else. "The Pope"... His boss replies.
"Sure"... Says Colin. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time"... So off they fly to Rome...
Colin and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Colin says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope"... An he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Colin emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Colin returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Colin asks him, "What happened"...?
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the bloody hell is that on the balcony with Colin"...?
Went to the gym last night & noticed a hole in my trainer big enough to poke a finger in, anyway she made a formal complaint & now I’m banned for life
When everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven, God appeared and said, "I want the men to make two lines: One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
Soon, the women were gone, and there were two lines of men.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him."
God turned to the one man "How did you manage to be the only one in this line ?"
The man replied, "My wife told me to stand here."
