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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
I went to my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles.
“Hard back?” The worker asked
“Yes!” I replied “with little heads”
I just got an amazing Black Friday deal!
It's a new Tesla Model X for my wife!
She'll be surprised but in my eyes, its a great trade!
What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?
I’v never had a lentil on my face
I heard some Crocodiles can grow up to 17 feet!
They must be rare though because I have only ever seen them with 4
What do you call an Everton fan in a suit?
The defendant.
Kids these days will never understand what it was like in the 90’s when we had to clean the mouse balls just to get them to work!
I am glad I don’t have pets anymore
Had a fire evacuation training meeting this week.
My boss asked “what steps would you take in the event of a fire?”
Apparently, fucking fast ones wasn’t the answer he was looking for!
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane...
I can't see it taking off!
I attended my first Gamblers Anonymous session last night. It was terrible...
I was sat next to a fruit machine addict.
He kept nudging me all night!
So I've asked the wife what she wants for Christmas.
She said she wants some chocolate, and a nice surprise would be lovely...
Kinder Egg it is then!
I just had a delivery guy from Hermes knock on my door.
"I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate!"
I bought a coat from Debenhams in the sales.
Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25.
It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two. Bargain!
People often criticise shops for selling Christmas stuff too early...
Well, our supermarket sells birthday cakes and mine isn't for another 6 months!
Bono was ill the evening before they recorded 'Do They Know It’s Christmas' but he was very relieved to only be diagnosed with catarrh rather than something more serious...
"Well tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of flu!"
Have you heard about the top secret bakery?
It's on a knead to dough basis!
A man comes home to find his wife being shagged by one of his mates, so he pulls out a baseball bat and beats him to death.
His wife says, "Carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!"
Every Xmas I'd go downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them.
There'd be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later & sit down to have a 3 hour lunch before watching TV all day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office!
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
I went to my local book store and asked if they had any books on turtles.
“Hard back?” The worker asked
“Yes!” I replied “with little heads”
I just got an amazing Black Friday deal!
It's a new Tesla Model X for my wife!
She'll be surprised but in my eyes, its a great trade!
What’s the difference between a Chick pea and a lentil?
I’v never had a lentil on my face
I heard some Crocodiles can grow up to 17 feet!
They must be rare though because I have only ever seen them with 4
What do you call an Everton fan in a suit?
The defendant.
Kids these days will never understand what it was like in the 90’s when we had to clean the mouse balls just to get them to work!
I am glad I don’t have pets anymore
Had a fire evacuation training meeting this week.
My boss asked “what steps would you take in the event of a fire?”
Apparently, fucking fast ones wasn’t the answer he was looking for!
My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane...
I can't see it taking off!
I attended my first Gamblers Anonymous session last night. It was terrible...
I was sat next to a fruit machine addict.
He kept nudging me all night!
So I've asked the wife what she wants for Christmas.
She said she wants some chocolate, and a nice surprise would be lovely...
Kinder Egg it is then!
I just had a delivery guy from Hermes knock on my door.
"I've got a parcel for your next door neighbour."
I said, "You've got the wrong house then mate!"
I bought a coat from Debenhams in the sales.
Pre-sale price was £495 but I got it for just £25.
It's supposed to be slightly imperfect but I've had a good look all over and the only thing I can find is that one of the sleeves is slightly longer than the other two. Bargain!
People often criticise shops for selling Christmas stuff too early...
Well, our supermarket sells birthday cakes and mine isn't for another 6 months!
Bono was ill the evening before they recorded 'Do They Know It’s Christmas' but he was very relieved to only be diagnosed with catarrh rather than something more serious...
"Well tonight thank God it's phlegm instead of flu!"
Have you heard about the top secret bakery?
It's on a knead to dough basis!
A man comes home to find his wife being shagged by one of his mates, so he pulls out a baseball bat and beats him to death.
His wife says, "Carry on like that and you'll have no mates left!"
Every Xmas I'd go downstairs to the big pile of presents and start unwrapping them.
There'd be fights over who had the best toys but we would all make up later & sit down to have a 3 hour lunch before watching TV all day.
I really miss working at the Royal Mail sorting office!
And for my next trick, I will eat a percussion instrument in a bap...
Drum roll please!
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked all 7 brothers and 9 sisters and they didn't know either!
It's definitely getting colder.
Earlier I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel...
This will be for the Christmas period only!
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
It was my best game of Scrabble ever!
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB!
There's some thieving bastards where I live.
Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka...
I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes!
Last night at the pub this bloke ran in shouting, "All Tories are wankers."
This bloke stood up and said, "I object to that."
"Are you a Tory?" the bloke asked.
"No I'm a wanker," the other replied.
Drum roll please!
I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet...
I asked all 7 brothers and 9 sisters and they didn't know either!
It's definitely getting colder.
Earlier I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!
Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel...
This will be for the Christmas period only!
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
It was my best game of Scrabble ever!
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB!
There's some thieving bastards where I live.
Last night someone stole my TV, Xbox, DVD player, all my porn, a big bag of weed and two bottles of vodka...
I wouldn't mind but I only left my cell for five minutes!
Last night at the pub this bloke ran in shouting, "All Tories are wankers."
This bloke stood up and said, "I object to that."
"Are you a Tory?" the bloke asked.
"No I'm a wanker," the other replied.
My wife asked me what next year might bring for us.
I told her I have no idea as I don't have 2020 vision.
I told her I have no idea as I don't have 2020 vision.
My son asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said not much other than he is a poor boy from a poor family
I said not much other than he is a poor boy from a poor family
Quiney
Registered User
So, I asked a joiner pal of mine...
Me: What is a plinth anyway?
Him: it’s a raised load bearing structure Me: no it isn’t
Him: like the base of a statue!
Me: no it isn’t
Him: (irritated now) a fireplace is a type of plinth
Me: no it isn’t
Him: (really annoyed, goes on google) it’s defined as a heavy base supporting a statue or vase!!!
Me: not it isn’t.
Him: (really pissed off) well what TF do you think it is then???
Me: it’s a plinthesses huthband
Nearly pished myself at his anger!!!
Me: What is a plinth anyway?
Him: it’s a raised load bearing structure Me: no it isn’t
Him: like the base of a statue!
Me: no it isn’t
Him: (irritated now) a fireplace is a type of plinth
Me: no it isn’t
Him: (really annoyed, goes on google) it’s defined as a heavy base supporting a statue or vase!!!
Me: not it isn’t.
Him: (really pissed off) well what TF do you think it is then???
Me: it’s a plinthesses huthband
Nearly pished myself at his anger!!!
