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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
America “only guns can keep us safe”
England “pass me that fuckin Narwal tusk and fire extinguisher”
England “pass me that fuckin Narwal tusk and fire extinguisher”
What you doing up that chimney then ?
More to the point how the FECK did you get up there !!!
George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get some PR.
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley" responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? ; Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? ; Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? ; Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"
Just then, the bell rings for break and George informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? .... Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? ; Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? ; Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? ; Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? ; Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20minutes early? ; And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"
After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
"Stanley" responds the little boy.
"And what is your question, Stanley ?"
"I have 4 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? ; Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? ; Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? ; Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when ½ of all Americans don't have health insurance?"
Just then, the bell rings for break and George informs the kiddies that they will continue after break.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? .... Oh, that's right, It's question time. Who has a question?"
A different little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
"Little Johnnie" he responds.
"And what is your question, Little Johnnie?"
"Actually Sir, I have 6 questions: First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? ; Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? ; Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? ; Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don't have health insurance? ; Fifth, why did the break bell go off 20minutes early? ; And sixth, what the f**k happened to Stanley ?"
Trevor, the farmer, was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Boris, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Boris's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Boris had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Boris, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Boris became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result? The judges not only awarded Boris the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Boris was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell, from a distance, which rooster was performing.
Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Boris, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Boris's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate.
The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Boris had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Boris, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Boris became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result? The judges not only awarded Boris the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly Boris was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
I’ve got a cold so bad it’s even in my feet, a shoe, a shoe.
My wife caught me as I was going through some paperwork in the home office, in my hands I had a copy of our marriage licence and I had a tear rolling down my face
she asked me if I was crying remembering back to when we’d got married
I said no, it was because I couldn’t find an expiry date.
she asked me if I was crying remembering back to when we’d got married
I said no, it was because I couldn’t find an expiry date.
Trying to imagine the state of the skeleton under that and failing miserably.....