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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
He has a slight mole problem!!
That'll do it....!
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
What did the deaf, dumb, blind, downs syndrome, quadriplegic baby get for Christmas?
Cancer
A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and I'm making tea'.
Me:- Boss i am not coming into work today coz I am sick.
Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
Boom Boom
Pikey family sitting down to dinner, and in walks the son with next door's daughter- red faced and sweaty. The father jumps up and shouts- 'if she's not good enough for her own family- she's not bloody well good enough for ours!'
whats grey, square, sits and the end of your bed and takes the pisss?
kidney dialysis machine
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He sh*t in his hand and had a w*nk.
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
Cancer
A vampire walks into a bar, 'pint of blood landlord' he says. The barman gives him his order.
A second vampire walks into the bar, 'pint of your finest blood please' he says. Again, the barman pours his order.
A third vampire walks into the bar and says 'a mug of hot water please barman'. The barman looks puzzled at the vampire, and asks- 'why the f*** do you want hot water for?' The vampire answered- 'i found a used tampon and I'm making tea'.
Me:- Boss i am not coming into work today coz I am sick.
Boss:- How sick are you?
Me:- Well i am in bed with my sister
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
Boom Boom
Pikey family sitting down to dinner, and in walks the son with next door's daughter- red faced and sweaty. The father jumps up and shouts- 'if she's not good enough for her own family- she's not bloody well good enough for ours!'
whats grey, square, sits and the end of your bed and takes the pisss?
kidney dialysis machine
Q: How do you make a hormone?
A: Don't pay her.
Q: What did the poof do when he missed his boyfriend?
A: He sh*t in his hand and had a w*nk.
Q: Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?
A: The guy who can carry two pitchers of beer and a foot of onion rings!
Q: Who is the most popular girl in a nudist colony?
A: The girl who can eat the last onion ring
Q: Why can't Jesus eat M&Ms?
A: They keep falling through the holes in his hands.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Mommy, Mommy! Are you sure this is the way to make ginger bread men?
Shut up and get back in the oven.
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs widespread.
One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.
He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
Shut up and get back in the oven.
In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.
Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!
Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.
The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom "Kid's.... there's good news and bad news."
"The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago"
"The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner
A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.
The leper looked hurt and said, "Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them."
The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, "I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his scratchings in your neck."
Two men are sitting in a restaurant. There is also a gypsy woman sitting opposite to them with her legs widespread.
One man says: "Look, she has such dark hair on her genitals!" the other says: "Oh no, it isn't hair, it is dark panties!" Then they made a bet - £100 . A waiter goes by so they ask him to find out for them.
He did so, but takes all the money and walks away. "What happened, why are you taking the money?!" Asked the waiter.
He replies: "Neither of you was right! She had her period and there were flies on her!"
Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
bloke see's a young girl standing at the top of a cliff crying her heart out. "whats wrong" he asks? "well" she says "my parents have just drivin off the end of the cliff in the car, their dead! their fuc*ing dead!" the man turns to her and undoes his flys "your days just getting worse aint it love"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
two paedos sitting on a park bench..
a 12-year-old girl walks past- one says to the other--
she's really let herself go over the years hasn't she
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
A women's been sick in the morning quite a lot so she goes to see the quack who runs some tests and tells her to come back in a few days. She comes back and the quack sits her down:
'Well, I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith, which do you want to hear first?'
She replies, 'the good news'
Quack: 'In 9 months time your life will be filled with nappies and brown stains'
Woman smiles and then asks: 'well, whats the bad news then?'
Quack says: 'You've got bowel cancer!'
a 12-year-old girl walks past- one says to the other--
she's really let herself go over the years hasn't she
Two terrorists are chatting. One of them opens his wallet and flips through pictures.
"you see, this is my oldest. He's a martyr. Here's my second son. He's a martyr, too."
The second terrorist says, gently,
"Ah, they blow up so fast, don't they?"
A women's been sick in the morning quite a lot so she goes to see the quack who runs some tests and tells her to come back in a few days. She comes back and the quack sits her down:
'Well, I have some good news and some bad news, Miss Smith, which do you want to hear first?'
She replies, 'the good news'
Quack: 'In 9 months time your life will be filled with nappies and brown stains'
Woman smiles and then asks: 'well, whats the bad news then?'
Quack says: 'You've got bowel cancer!'
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
How many babies does it take to decorate a bathroom?
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
Dead baby wearing a clown suit.
A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend by the door with her bags packed.
'I'm leaving you'
'Why?'
'I've heard you're a peadohpile'
'Bugger me'
'What?'
'That's a big word for an eight-year old'
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being gang-raped.
What goes 'BANG-BANG-BANG' (indicate with slapping motion on forehead)?
Paralympic Hurdler.
What do you do after you've had sex with a 12-year-old?
Wipe her blood off your c0ck onto her favourite teddy bear.
Two tramps are having a chat by the railway.
'I found this gorgeous girl tied to the tracks last week. Saved her before a train came, and then had 2 hours of the best sex of my life with her as a result'
'Really? Wow. Blonde or Brunette?
'Don't know, couldn't find the head'
A tramp comes into a bar.
'Can I have a fork please?' He takes the fork and leaves. 2nd tramp walks in.
'Can I have a fork please?' He takes the fork and leave. 3rd tramp walks in.
'I guess you want a fork too?' says the barman
'No, a straw please'
'How come you want a straw and the others wanted forks?'
'Someones been sick outside, and the others have already got the lumpy bits'
A spastic runs up to an ice cream man with his carer.
'hello there, what can I do for you young man?' asks the icecream man
'arrrrrsecreeeeem' replies the window licker
'Certainly, what type would you like?'
'garumph!'
'I'm sorry we don't have that flavour' he turns to the carer instead 'What flavour would he like?'
'It doesn't matter' replies the carer 'The little spanner will only drop it'
Depends how hard you throw them.
What's funnier than a dead baby?
Dead baby wearing a clown suit.
A man comes home from work to find his girlfriend by the door with her bags packed.
'I'm leaving you'
'Why?'
'I've heard you're a peadohpile'
'Bugger me'
'What?'
'That's a big word for an eight-year old'
What's worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Being gang-raped.
What goes 'BANG-BANG-BANG' (indicate with slapping motion on forehead)?
Paralympic Hurdler.
What do you do after you've had sex with a 12-year-old?
Wipe her blood off your c0ck onto her favourite teddy bear.
Two tramps are having a chat by the railway.
'I found this gorgeous girl tied to the tracks last week. Saved her before a train came, and then had 2 hours of the best sex of my life with her as a result'
'Really? Wow. Blonde or Brunette?
'Don't know, couldn't find the head'
A tramp comes into a bar.
'Can I have a fork please?' He takes the fork and leaves. 2nd tramp walks in.
'Can I have a fork please?' He takes the fork and leave. 3rd tramp walks in.
'I guess you want a fork too?' says the barman
'No, a straw please'
'How come you want a straw and the others wanted forks?'
'Someones been sick outside, and the others have already got the lumpy bits'
A spastic runs up to an ice cream man with his carer.
'hello there, what can I do for you young man?' asks the icecream man
'arrrrrsecreeeeem' replies the window licker
'Certainly, what type would you like?'
'garumph!'
'I'm sorry we don't have that flavour' he turns to the carer instead 'What flavour would he like?'
'It doesn't matter' replies the carer 'The little spanner will only drop it'