• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Tony is the guy who gets home late one night and Linda, his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?" Tony replies

"I was out getting a tattoo!"

"A tattoo"? she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my private" he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking"? she said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his private?"

"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."

Tony is in the Hospital, room 233.
...................................................
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
An oldy but...........

A newly wed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for an entire month."

The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the church. When the Pastor ushered them into his office, the wife was crying, and the husband obviously was very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult; however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. The third week, however, was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible, or anything to keep our minds free of carnal thoughts. But one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it.
When she bent over to pick it up, I noticed that she didn't have panties on and I was overcome with lust and I had my way with her, right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome into our church," stated the pastor.

"We know," said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at B&Q anymore, either."
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Diane Abbott was on a tour of Ireland and in an interview she was asked if she had enjoyed County Down.
She replied with enthusiasm "Yes of course, but I think it was so much better with Carol Vorderman in it".....
 

derek kelly

The Deli lama
Club Sponsor
SANTA IS A YORKSHIREMAN

Santa is a Yorkshireman
Of this I'm fairly sure
I heard him tiptoe in my room
At roughly Ten to four
"I 'ope tha's fast asleep" he said
"Or tha'll get nowt my lad"
He smelled of Hi Karate
(Must av pinched it from my dad)
Just down stairs I'd left a treat
Santa loves a beer
He loves pork pies and single malt
That was Dad's idea
When I woke next morning
I ran down stairs to see
If Santa had been kind enough
To leave gifts under t'tree
He got our mam a Nightie
And a pair of china pigs
Our dad got socks and undies
And 200 park drive cigs
My sister got a Barbie
Sat on a plastic horse
A One Direction annual
Which she loved of course
When I unwrapped my parcels
My Yorkshire heart did sing
Each gift that Santa gave me
A truly wondrous thing
A flat cap for my noggin
A vest of finest string
The ferret keepers handbook
Each gift fit for a king
So thank you Santa thank you
You surely are a tyke
But can you please remember
Next year I'd like a bike
 

Squag1

Can't remember....
Club Sponsor
Re County Down.

When the earlier space craft were orbiting, Down was in the final.
The astronauts reckoned Ireland was very friendly as they passed over on the day of the match crowds were roaring "come on Down" :rolleyes:o_O
 
Last edited by a moderator:

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
A lady walks into a BMW dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line Beemer and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady With, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her accident, she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit yourself when I tell you the price."
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
* police knock at door *

Small child: “Mummy, there’s someone at the door!”

Police: “Hello Miss. We’re here to arrest X”

Mummy: “Sorry, X isn’t here. Haven’t seen him.”

Small child, whispering: “No Mummy! Daddy’s hiding in the wardrobe in my room!”
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick O’ Shea

What's the best part about living in Switzerland?
I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

I recently bought a dog from a blacksmith
How do I know the guy was a blacksmith?
When I brought the dog home he made a bolt for the door

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just kidding. Feminists can't change anything.

What does a vagina and a chainsaw have in common?
Miss by a few inches, and you're in deep shit.

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"
God said, "I think I'm going to call it a day."

Today at the gym I asked a girl what her new year's resolution was.
She said "Fuck you".
So I'm pretty excited for 2019.

I went to the doctors recently. He said: “Don’t eat anything fatty”
I said: “What, like bacon and burgers?”
He said, “No. fatty don’t eat anything.”

I work with a Chinese guy called Kim and one time at a works function, we were having a drink and I said to him "Do you ever get fed up of us Westerners saying that all Chinese people look the same"?
He replied "Kim's at the bar getting drinks, I'm his wife"

The nurse at the sperm bank asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup...
I said, "Well, I'm pretty good, but I don't think I'm ready to compete just yet."

What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Slow down, and possibly use a lubricant.
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat trailer up to the car, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'
And that's when the fight started...……
.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
Father: Son if you masturbate too much you'll go blind.

Son: Dad, I'm over here.
 
Top