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Peter Halfpenny
Registered User
Only just got the joke
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
If you don't laugh at this one, you're dead!
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?
' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her scooter and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in..
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched.
'STOP!,' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a licence for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him.
'OK' he said and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you proof of insurance?
' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt-Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-What' in his hand.
'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyser Test again.!!!'
Am I the only one who can't be bothered reading the long jokes on here??
Pictures or single liners do it for"me!!
Pictures or single liners do it for"me!!
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A golfer accidentally overturned his electric golf cart.
A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." He took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The guy weakly replied: "Well, okay," and headed to her place.
After a couple of drinks and the inevitable sex, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly! Stay a little longer. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"
A very attractive mature lady, who lived in a villa on the golf course,
heard the noise and called out, "Are you okay?"
"I'm okay thanks," he replied as he pulled himself out of the twisted golf cart.
She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." He took notice her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"That's mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now, " she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive.
The guy weakly replied: "Well, okay," and headed to her place.
After a couple of drinks and the inevitable sex, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly! Stay a little longer. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the golf cart, I guess!"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A man was in a doctor’s office and the doctor walked in and said, “Ok what do you need today sir.”
The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding p.nis.
The doctor said, “Damn how did you do that?”
The man said, “Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and m.sturbates with it.
So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my p.nis in the hole.
So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!”
The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleeding p.nis.
The doctor said, “Damn how did you do that?”
The man said, “Well I live in a trailer, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailer next to mine at exactly 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and m.sturbates with it.
So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailer and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my p.nis in the hole.
So that night I did, and it was going great until someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A son was placing his father into a nursing home. “Please don’t put me in there son!” cried the old man.
The son said, “Pop, I can’t take care of you and work too. I’ve checked the place out and it is the best one there is. I think you’ll love it.”
The next day the father called his son and said, “Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!”
“That’s swell dad,” said the son. “What makes it so great?”
“Well,” replied the dad, “last night I was in my room and from out of nowhere, I got an er.ction. A nurse came in, saw me and gave me a bl.wjob! I haven’t had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I’d almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!”
“That’s great dad,” said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again and said, “You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can’t live here any more!”
“What’s wrong pop?” asked the son.
“Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands and knees, a male nurse came along and sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!”
The son said, “Dad, I know that’s terrible and we’ll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there.”
“No son,” said the dad. “You don’t understand! I get an er.ction maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!”
The son said, “Pop, I can’t take care of you and work too. I’ve checked the place out and it is the best one there is. I think you’ll love it.”
The next day the father called his son and said, “Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!”
“That’s swell dad,” said the son. “What makes it so great?”
“Well,” replied the dad, “last night I was in my room and from out of nowhere, I got an er.ction. A nurse came in, saw me and gave me a bl.wjob! I haven’t had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I’d almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!”
“That’s great dad,” said the son.
A few days later the father called his son again and said, “You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can’t live here any more!”
“What’s wrong pop?” asked the son.
“Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up and when I was on my hands and knees, a male nurse came along and sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!”
The son said, “Dad, I know that’s terrible and we’ll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there.”
“No son,” said the dad. “You don’t understand! I get an er.ction maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Bill Clinton, Dan Quayle and Newt Gingrich are out in the Rose Garden discussing policy when all of a sudden a gigantic tornado comes and sweeps them up into the air, only to bring them crashing down a little while later.
They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.
“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”
“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”
“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”
They get up, dust themselves off, and look out in the distance, where they see the Emerald City. They suddenly realize they’re in the land of Oz.
“Oh, boy!” says Qualye. “I’m going to go see the Wizard and ask him for a brain!”
“Yeah!” says Gingrich. “And I’m going to ask him for a heart!”
“Hey!” says Clinton, looking around. “Where’s Dorothy?”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
One day, after what seemed an eternity in the Garden of Eden, Adam called out to God, “Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.
She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.
“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.
“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”
Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”
And that’s how modern woman was created.
“What’s the problem, Adam?” God replied.
“Lord, I know you created me and have provided for me and surrounded me with this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, but I’m just not happy.”
“Oh, and why is that, Adam?” came the reply from the heavens.
“Lord, I know you created this place for me, with all this lovely food and all the beautiful animals, but I’m lonely.”
“Well Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a ‘Woman’ for you.”
“What’s a ‘Woman’, Lord?”
“This ‘Woman’ will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created.
She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it.
She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy.
Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth.
She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you,” replied the heavenly voice.
“Wow, she sounds great, Lord.”
“She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam.”
“How much will this ‘Woman’ cost me Lord?” Adam inquired.
“She’ll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle.”
Adam pondered this for some time, with a look of deep thought and concern on his face. Finally Adam said to God, “Ehhh, what can I get for a rib?”
And that’s how modern woman was created.
All of them.... Some times at once !Who is going to be the first to admit who does what?
I will admit to the occasional Swamp Ninja and Concusion Grenade
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Peter Halfpenny
Registered User
I work with a Muslim bloke and he was telling me about his family. He has 4 female cousins and his wife at home.
I remarked how confusing it must be to have this many women wearing the Burka and he replied “Yes! Just last week I accidentally got in bed with my wife!”
I remarked how confusing it must be to have this many women wearing the Burka and he replied “Yes! Just last week I accidentally got in bed with my wife!”