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Daily Smile thread

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn’t be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.

She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much.

The owner said it was just $50.

Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn’t more expensive, she agreed to buy it.

The owner looked at her and said,

“Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whore house. Sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

The woman thought about this, but decided she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home.

She hung the bird’s cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought “that’s not so bad.” A couple hours later, the woman’s two teenage daughters returned from school.

When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, “New house, new madam, new whor.s.”

The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but than began to laugh about the situation.

A couple of hours later, the woman’s husband came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “New house, new madam, new whor.s, same old faces. Hi George!”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A guy walks into a bar with a 10 ft. alligator. The bartender tells the man, “No, no, you can’t bring that thing in here.”

The man say’s, “Oh, it’s okay. The alligators tame. I can prove it.” So the man picks up the alligator and puts it on the counter. Then he his pants and puts his package in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 10 minutes the man says, “See, he’s totally tame. Does anyone else want to try it?”

A man in the back say’s, “Yeah, I’ll try it. But I don’t know if I can keep my mouth open for that long though.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Two guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in court before the judge. The judge said, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like ot give you a second chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to show others the evils of drugs and pursued them to give up drugs forever! I’ll see you here back in court on Monday.”

Monday, the two guys were in court and the judge said to the first one, “How did you do over the weekend?”

“Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever.”

“17 people? That’s wonderful. What did you tell them?”

“I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: o O

And told them this (small circle) is your brain after drugs.”

“That’s very admirable,” said the judge. “And you, how did you do?” He said to the second guy.

“Well your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever.”

“156 people! That’s amazing! How did you manage to do that?”

“Well, I also used a diagram with circles. I pointed to the small circle and told them, “This is your .sshole before prison…”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Two men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter.

The other guy replies, “Yes I do.” And hands him a 10 inch BIC lighter.

Surprised, he asks, “Where did you get this?”

The other guy replies, “Oh, I have a personal genie.”

“Really? Can I make a wish?”

“Sure,” says the man, “but speak clearly because he is hard of hearing.”

“Okay, I will.” He says. “I want a million bucks.”

The genie says, “Okay,” and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly overhead.

And the guy says to the other, “You weren’t kidding. Your genie really is hard of hearing, isn’t he?”

“I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC?”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the restroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes to investigate why the drunk is screaming.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!


”I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes my nuts.” 
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.

“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”

“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.

“It’s worse than that, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.

“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.

“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.

“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”

“Of course, my son,” said the priest.

The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, “Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, “Oh my god, help me, there’s a bee in my v.gina!”

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.

The doctor thought for a moment and said “Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit.”

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife’s v.gina.

The doctor said, “OK, what I’m gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my p.nis and insert it into your wife’s vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife’s vagina.”

The husband nodded and gave his approval.

The young lady said, “Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it.”

So, the doctor covered the tip of his p.nis with honey and inserted it into the young lady’s vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, “I don’t think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper.” So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed.

The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud.

The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself. He then put his hands on the young lady’s breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, “Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you’re doing?”

The doctor, still concentrating, replied, “Change of plans. I’m gonna drown the b.stard!”
 
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ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
This guy just started at his new job, working at a p.rno shop. His boss comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and asks if he can handle it. The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss’s positive comments he finally agrees. 
A few minutes later a white woman walks in and asks, “How much for the white dildo?” 


He answers, “$35.” 


White Woman: “How much for the black one?” 


Guy: “$35 for the black one, they are the same price.” 
She: “I think I’ll take the black one. I’ve never had a black one before.” She pays him, and off she goes.

A little while later a black woman comes in and asks “How much for the black dildo?”


Guy: “$35.”


Black Woman: “How much for the white one?” 


Guy: “$35 for the white one also, they are the same price.”


Black Woman: “Hmmm…I think I’ll take the white one. I’ve never had a white one before…” She pays him, and off she goes.

About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, “How much are your dildos?” 


Guy: “$35 for the white, $35 for the black.”


Blonde: “Hmmm….how much is that plaid one on the shelf?” 


Guy: “Well, that’s a very special dildo…it’ll cost you $150.” 
She thinks for a moment and answers, “I’ll take the plaid one, I’ve never had a plaid one before….” She pays him, and off she goes.

Finally, the guy’s boss returns and asks, “How did you do while I was gone?” The salesman responded,

Guy: “I think I did pretty good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $150!”
 

Quiney

Registered User
WORDS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon



WORDS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate



WORDS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. No thanks, I'm married.
2. Nope, no more booze for me!
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. No thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. I'm not interested in fighting you.
6. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance. I have no coordination and would hate to look like a real Fool!
7. Oh no, I must be going home now as I have to work in the morning.
8. No, you are too young and beautiful to take me home.
 

T.C

Been there, and had one
Club Sponsor
The old ones are the best

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club, so one day she goes up and knocks on the door.

A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers.

She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join.

The biker asks, “Do you have a motorcycle?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… my bike’s parked over there,” and points to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.

The biker asks, “Do you drink?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… drink like a fish. I’ll drink any man in your club under the table.”

The biker asks, “Do you smoke?”

The little old lady replies, “Yep… smoke like a chimney. At least 4 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day and a couple of cigars in the evening, while I’m shooting pool.”

The biker is very impressed and asks, “Last question…. have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?”

The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, “Nope……but I’ve been swung around by my nipples a few times.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Joe rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

Joe smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him. As they talk, her robe slips open, and it’s quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe.

Poor Joe breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, “Let’s go in my apartment, I hear someone coming…”

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Being completely nude, she purrs at him, “What would you say is my best feature?”

The flustered, embarrassed Joe stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, “Oh, it’s got to be your ears!”

She’s astounded! “Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They’re full, don’t sag, and they’re 100% natural! My buns – they’re firm and don’t sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars! Why in heaven’s name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!”

Clearing his throat once again, Joe stammers – “Outside when you said you heard someone coming – that was me.”
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said:

“You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation. A few years ago I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter and we got married”. “Later my father married my step daughter. That made my step daughter my stepmother and my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother in-law of her father-in-law. Then the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father’s son, but he was also the son of my wife’s daughter which made him my wife’s grand-son. That made me the grandfather of my half-brother.

“This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the grandmother. “This makes my father the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father’s wife, I’m my stepmother’s brother-in-law, my wife is her own child’s aunt, my son is my father’s nephew and I’m my own grandfather!
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken.

“You’ve got to have a room somewhere.” he pleaded to the last hotel manager, “Or just a bed–I don’t really care where. I’m completely exhausted”

“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant,” admitted the manager, “and I’m sure he would be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained all week. I’m not sure it’d be worth it to you.”

“No problem,” the tired traveler assured him. “I’ll take it.”

The next morning John came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager asked him how he survived.

“Never better.” John said.

The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”

“Nope. I shut him up in no time.”

“How’d you manage that?”

“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” John said. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, “Good night, beautiful” and he sat up all night watching me.”
 
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