Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

A guy gets set up on a blind date and he takes her out for dinner to a very expensive restaurant to make a good impression. The waiter approaches the table and asks to take their order.

The lady begins ordering practically everything on the menu, shrimp cocktail, pate, Caesar Salad, lobster, crepes Suzette, with no regard to the price. The guy is getting very upset, as he never thought she would order so much.

She then stops, and looks across at him, and asks,

“What do you suggest I wash it down with?”

“Well my dear, I can think of nothing so fitting as the Mississippi River.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.

“So what do I do first?”

His father replied, “Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.”

5 minutes later Fred’s on the phone again.

“She’s naked and in bed, what do I do now???

His father can’t believe what he is hearing, “Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.”

After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.

“Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?”

His dad’s patience is now running thin so he says, “Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!!”

Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. “Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next”

“DROWN YOURSELF, YOU F**KING IDIOT!

 

[ianrobbo1]

Jon and Matt have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Jon says, “Hey, Matt, there’s the Officers Club. Let’s you and me stop in. ”

“But were privates,” protests Matt.

“Were sergeants now,” says Jon, pulling him inside.

“Now, Matt, I’m gonna sit down and have a drink.”

“But were privates,” says Matt.

“You blind?” Asks Jon, pointing at his stripes. “Were sergeants are now.”

So they have their drinks, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Jon. “You’r cute,” she says, “and I’d like to screw you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Jon pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Matt, go look in the dictionary and see what” gonorrhea “means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign. ”

So Matt goes to look up, comes back, and gives Jon the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Jon is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Matt,” he says, “Why’d you give me the okay?”

“Well, Jon, in the dictionary, it’s gonorrhea affects only the privates.”

He points to his stripes. “But were sergeants now.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.

The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father”

The little boy replied, “My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that”.

The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many”.

The boy said, “My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way”.

The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds” and went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar”.

 

[ianrobbo1]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk,

“I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

“About 32,” is the reply.

“Nope! I’m exactly 50,” the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question. The girl replies,

“I’d guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile,

“Nope, I’m 50.”

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. The clerk responds,

“Oh, I’d say 30.”

Again she proudly responds,

“I’m 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. He replies,

“I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young, there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. If you permit me to put my hands under your bra, then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.

She finally blurts out,

“What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says,

“Okay, okay…How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ” Ma dam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says,

“That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says,

“Promise you won’t get mad?”

“I promise I won’t,” she says.

“I was behind you in McDonald’s.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A horse is in the pub having a few when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything" horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”, they arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress this guy he's done everything" , so he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall", donkey replies " thats me when I played for Juventus.

 

[T.C]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.

He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to see the doctor and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.'

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family yet.”

I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!'

 

[T.C]

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'

Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'

'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'

'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

 

[T.C]

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.

On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. 'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

 

[T.C]

Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.

During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember...

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.

'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'

'Sure.'

'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.

'No, I can remember it.'

'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'

He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'

'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asks, 'Where's my toast ?'

 

[T.C]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:

'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'

'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'

'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'

'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'

'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'

'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'

'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'

'Because she can still drive!'

 

[T.C]

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'

'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”

“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

 

[T.C]

 

[andyBeaker]

View attachment 42700

Short and to the point!!

 

[T.C]

 

[Squag1]

Oldie Joe decides to remarry.
Doc gave him a medical. He was a little concerned that it would be too much for him to satisfy wife. So he suggested Joe should take in a lodger.

Few months later he bumped into Joe and enquired how things were going. Fine said Joe wife is pregnant. And how's the lodger? Joe replied She's pregnant too.

 

[ianrobbo1]

Once, there was a preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he would be on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture-perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds were in the sky, and the temperature was just right.

The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.”

God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup 250 yards away. A picture-perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, “I beg your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.”

God smiled. “Think about it-who can he tell?”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man bought a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie. He decided to test it at dinner: …

Dad: Son, where were you today during school hours?

Son: At school
(robot slaps the son and he immediately changes his mind)

Okay, okay, I went to the movies!

Dad: Which one?

Son: Harry Potter
(robot slaps the son again!)

Okay Alright, I was watching porno.

Dad: What? When I was your age I didn’t even know what porno is!
(robot slaps dad)

Mom: Hahahahaha! After all he is your Son!
(robot gives Mom a slap)

 

[Quiney]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others" he is told by the doorman.

Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!"

"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!"

"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!"

"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"

"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theatre!"

Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."

Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"