Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

Blonde Jessica walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some bottom deodorant. The pharmacist, a little bemused, explains to Jessica that they don’t sell anything called bottom deodorant, and never have. Unfazed, Jessica assures him that she has been buying the stuff from this place on a regular basis, and would like some more.

“I’m sorry,” says the pharmacist, “we don’t have any.”

“But I always get it here,” says Jessica.

“Do you have an old box it comes in?”

“Yes!” says the blonde, “I will go home and get it.”

Jessica returns with the box and hands it to the pharmacist. He looks at it and says to her, “This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant.”

The annoyed Jessica snatches the box back and reads out loud from the box: “To apply, push up bottom.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A charming woman meet with a handsome guy in a bar. After a few shots charming woman said to the guy;

“My mouth is like a powerful amplifier, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want.”

The young guy was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, “It can’t be true. I don’t believe you.”

Charming lady said, “You can try it if you want”.

Young guy said, “Ok come to my flat and prove it to me.”

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the guy’s flat. They entered to the house and the woman undressed herself and soon the young man started to twirl the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happened. He changed to the right nipple and started to rubbing with more pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young guy soon gave up and asked to the woman, “I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples but there are no response.”

The charming woman replied, “You forgot to plug in.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

One day in the Garden of Heaven, Eve calls out to God and says, ” My Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?” God asks to her.

“My Lord,” she says, “I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these amazing animals, and that hilarious snake, but I’m just not happy.”

“Why are not you happy Eve?” came the reply from above.

“My Lord, I am lonely. And I’m sick to death of apples,” she says.

“Well, Eve, in that case, I will fix your problem. My solution is I shall create a man for you,” the good Lord tells her.

“What’s a ‘man’, Lord?” she inquires.

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressivetendencies, a huge ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds cool,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.

“Yeah, well. He’s better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that condition, My Lord?” Eva asks.

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

 

[T.C]

 

[Quiney]

A modern take on an old story:

A certain man went down from Jerusalem and Jerico, and was set upon by a thief which stripped him of his raiment, and wounded him, and departed, leaving him half dead.
And by chance there came down a certain priest that way; and when he saw him he passed by on the other side.
And likewise a Levite, when he was at the place, came and looked on him, and passed by on the other side.
But, two psychiatrists, as they journeyed, came where he was and when they saw him, bloodied and bruised, one said the the other; "We must find the person who did this. He needs help."

 

[T.C]

 

[Cougar377]

View attachment 42677

TC, I think your Irish coffee owl should be hanging upside down..!

 

[T.C]

TC, I think your Irish coffee owl should be hanging upside down..!

Your probably right. Unfortunately I am not the artist

 

[T.C]

Dry January done!

I didn't piss the bed once.

 

[bmwdumptruck]

Dry January done!

I failed .....miserably

 

[andyBeaker]

Dry January done!

I didn't piss the bed once.

I didn't piss the bed once either.

Unfortunately

 

[ianrobbo1]

A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom, who lived three hours away.

“Well, darling,” said her Mom, “How was your honeymoon?”

“It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time,” said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me…PLEASE.”

Then the bride began to sob over the phone. “PLEASE, mom come get me!” begged the bride.

“But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what’s troubling you,” said her mom. Still sobbing the bride said to her mother… “Words like…. DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, “And why don’t you get me a whisky, wench.”

The stewardess, flustered by the parrot’s outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man’s cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, “And get me another whisky, you ugly *****.” Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot’s whisky but still no coffee for the man.

Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, “I’ve asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don’t have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!”

Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, “For someone who can’t fly, you sure are a lippy b.stard.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He notices a police car with its red lights on in his rear view mirror.

He thinks “I can outrun this guy,” so he floors it and the race is on. The cars are racing down the highway — 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy figures he can’t outrun the cop and gives up. He pulls over to the curb.

The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car. He leans down and says “Listen mister, I’ve had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I’ll let you go.”

The man thought for a moment and said, “Three weeks ago, my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror, I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!

 

[T.C]

A man worked hard all day digging the garden and felt very stiff and sore.

His wife fluttered about him, pleased with the amount of work he had done and anxious to get him to do some more.

"Have a nice soak in the bath and I'll bring you a drink," she suggested smiling.

"Good idea," says the husband looking forward to being waited on

He's in the bath when she comes in with a nice glass of Scotch which he accepts happily

"If there's anything else you'd like just call," says the wife as she leaves the bathroom.

When she got halfway along the landing the husband relaxes completely and lets off an enormous long fart in the bath.

A few minutes later, despite it being a very warm Summer's evening, the wife comes in with a fluffy bed warmer

"What the heck is that for?" asks the husband snappily

"Oh Darling," says the wife, flustered, "I thought I heard you say, "Whataboutahottawaterbottle,","

 

[T.C]

The teacher asked little Johnny to use the word " definitely " in a sentence.

Little Johnny replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The Teacher says, "Of course not Johnny,"

To which Johnny replies, "Then I have definitely s**t my pants,".

 

[T.C]

A man goes to visit his doctor,

"Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, my farts just don't sound right,"

"Well how do they sound?" enquires the doctor.

"They make a HONDA sound"

The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"

"Well I also have a terrible boil on my arse," replies the man

The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"

"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man

"It's well known," laughs the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart go Honda."

 

[T.C]

A Ballerina goes to the Doctor,

"Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind, every time I pirouette I fart" she cries.

"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible"

The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... Farts loudly.

"Thats amazing, do it again,"

Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart

"Hmmm," says the Doctor "I think I may be able to help" he bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious barbed hook on the end.

The ballerina starts back in alarm, "What the ~&%$*? are you going to do with that?" she asks,

"Opening the window, it stinks in here for Gods sake!"

 

[Peter Halfpenny]

I live in a terraced house so next door is exactly the same as mine but mirrored.
Young Scouse lad owns it and for some reason he always copies us! He’s got the same garden furniture, bought the same car etc.
Anyway, I saw him the other week and he commented on how I’d recently decorated the living room and being the same dimensions, asked how many rolls of paper I bought. I told him 12 and that was that.
He’s just knocked on and said “cheers Pete” in a sarcastic tone. “I bought 12 rolls and I’ve got 5 left!”
I said “yeah so did I ya Scouse ladyparts!” And closed the door.

 

[Peter Halfpenny]

Speaking to the same bloke. I asked him how he was and he said he was great. Went on to tell me how he has a better house and is happier than me.
I asked him how can this be as our houses are identical, decorated the same, same car etc and he replied
“Well I ain’t got no fuckin Scouser living next door!”