Daily Smile thread

[andyBeaker]

I was playing golf with a pal the other day when he sliced his ball into the thickest horse ever seen.

"Don't worry, it's a special unlosable ball".

Sure enough he marched up to the thicket, stuck his arm in and retrieved the ball that I thought was lost forever.

""Where did you get that from, I have to get one " I yelled.

He replied "I found it"

 

[sr71caspar]

Proof that men makes the best friends.

A woman came home after spending the night away from her husband, she said she’d stopped at her friends house. The husband rang all 10 friends and all of them said they didn’t stop at theirs.

A man came home after spending the night away from his wife, he said he’d stopped at his friends house. Out of the 10 friends the wife phoned 8 said he’d stopped over and 2 said he was still there.

 

[ianrobbo1]

In an argument I told my wife to shut up.

"Don't you tell me to shut up" She screamed, "Don't you remember the last time you told me to shut up? I went back to my mother's and stayed there for a week."

"Yes." I replied, "So... Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Shut, Shut, Shut, Shut, Shut the fucking fuck up!"

 

[T.C]

 

[andyBeaker]

 

[T.C]

 

[ianrobbo1]

So this guy is in Rhode Island hunting for geese. He catches one and puts it in his bag with the other geese. Just as he closes the bag, a Hunting Inspector walks up.

“Sir, can I please see that bag?” he asks. “Sure,” says the hunter and hands the bag over.

The Inspector looks through the bag, pulls out one goose, and sticks his finger up its ass. He pulls it out, smells it and says, “This here’s a Virginia goose, and do you have a Virginia Hunting License?”

The hunter looks through his wallet and pulls out it and shows it to the inspector. The inspector nods and sticks his hand in the bag and pulls out another goose.

He sticks his finger up it’s ass and says, “This here’s a Maine goose, do you have a Maine Hunting License?”

The hunter looks again through his wallet, pulls out the card, and shows it to the inspector. He nods again, and pulls out the last goose. He does the routine and says, “This here is a Rhode Island goose, and do you have a Rhode Island Hunting License?”

The hunter fishes through his wallet, shows the card to the inspector and puts it back in.

“Boy,” you having all these licenses, where you from?” asks the Inspector.

The hunter pulls down his pants and asks, “Why don’t you find out?”

 

[T.C]

Three men, one from America, one from Australia and one from Russia were sitting at a bar. To show off, the American picks up his revolver, shoots the cap off his bottle of beer, and proudly exclaims:

"My name is Bill. Buffalo Bill."

The Australian, not wanting to be any less of a man, picks up his boomerang and gives it a swing across the bar. It does a big circle, and on its way back it knocks the cap off his beer as well. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Crocodile Bill."

The Russian looks around nervously, then pulls his pants down, and proudly shows his two penises. He then says:

"My name is Bill. Cherno Bill."

 

[T.C]

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.

“Hello,” he starts, “I’m doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?”

“Yes. My husband and I use it during sex,” she answers.

The researcher is taken aback. “Um, er, I admire you for your honesty,” he continues. “Can you tell me exactly how you use it?”

“Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can’t get in.”

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. “Dear,” said the mother diplomatically, “he doesn’t seem very nice.”

“Oh please, Mum,” replied the daughter, “if he wasn’t nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?”

 

[T.C]

Why don't witches wear undies?

To get a better grip on their brooms.

 

[ianrobbo1]

It’s a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She’s wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps.

As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.

She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear the bars down.

“Now try lifting your dress up your thighs” … this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell HIM you have a headache.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

Just remembered what happened at the vets on his last visit

 

[andyBeaker]

Just remembered what happened at the vets on his last visit

View attachment 42635

Now there's a coincidence - my moggy has been to the vets far too many times in the last two years - we took him today for a check up and he was laying on the examination table purring away with his legs in the air having his tummy tickled by the vet.

Just shows they can get used to anything - he used to be as nervous as hell when being examined.

 

[T.C]

Look again