Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in.

The first man Bruno in line started telling his story, “Well,Gabriel, you see, I noticed that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in bed. I got home and searched all over but I couldn”t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the stress gave me a heart attack, and here I am.”

The next guy Sanjay came up and started his story. “St.Gabriel, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ”Please God spare my life” and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I”m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.”

It was now the third guy Marcus’s turn to start his story. “Well,Gabriel, just picture this. I’m hiding full naked in this married chick”s refrigerator…”

 

[ianrobbo1]

James has had a little too much to drink celebrating Easter Day but nevertheless he stupidly decides to drive home.

Of course, his car is weaving all over the road and he gets pulled over by police.

The police officer looks at him and says, “So, where have you been?”

James slurs, “Why, I’ve been to the pub of course.”

“Well,” says the police, “It look’s like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”

“I did all right,” replies James with a smile.

The officer stands up straight and folds his arms across his chest, as he asks, “Did you realise that a few intersections back your wife fell out of the car?”

James says, “Oh,hallelujah ! For a moment there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A building contractor Vincent was talking with Marry about her apartment. In the first room Marry said she would like a cream color. Vincent wrote ‘cream’ to his notebook and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “The green side up!”

In the second room Marry told to Vincent she would like it painted in a soft blue.He wrote ‘soft blue’ on his notebook walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “The green side up!”

Marry was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room Marry said she would like it painted a warm pink color.Vincent wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled again “The green side up!”

Marry then asked him, “Why do you keep yelling ‘The green side up’?”

“I’m sorry,”Vincent replied.“But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street

 

[ianrobbo1]

One day, the perfect couple Miranda and Oscar met. After a perfect flirt, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, certainly, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect Porsche along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in trouble.Being the perfect couple, they stopped for help. Amazedly he was Santa Claus.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. They don’t want to disappoint any children on the Christmas Eve,the perfect couple loaded Santa Claus and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Of course the perfect woman survived. She’s the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man. (For women)

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (For men)

 

[ianrobbo1]

One man caught by cannibals while hunting in African forests. The cannibals brought him in front of the clan, as if they were holding him. The clan leader said to the man:

– Death or mokoko?

The man who thought for a moment responded, perhaps hoping for salvation:

– Mokoko!

The clan leader turned to the cannibals and called:

– Oh, mokoko!

He then began to play tamtams, cannibals shouting and dancing. Then all the cannibals in the clan released it after they had raped the man in turn.

Same guy caught by cannibals while hunting in the same place a few years later. They bring him in front of the clan leader again.The clan leader said to the man:

– Death or mokoko?

“This time, i will not say mokoko! I prefer to die with my honor!

The tribal leader turned to his tribe and called:

– Ooo, mokoko until death!

 

[ianrobbo1]

Two nice woman Riley and Rikki were playing golf.Rikki teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of guys playing the next hole.

The ball hit one of the men.He directly clasped his hands together at his groin,fell to the pitch and proceeded to roll around in agony.

Rikki rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. ‘Please allow me to help. I’m a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you would allow me,’Rikki told him.

‘Oh,no,I’ll be all right.I’ll be fine in a few minutes,’the guy answered.He was in obvious pain,lying in the fetal position,still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however,he finally allowed her to help.Rikki gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands slowly and carefully inside.She then administered a tender and masterful massage for several long moments and softly asked “How does that feel?”

“Feels wonderful”,he replied;”But I still think my thumb has broken!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Steven from Liverpool, England was touring the United States Of America on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the Mojave desert of California. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American man sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on,long white plaits, wrinkled face.

“Who’s he?” Steven from Liverpool asked.

“That’s the Memory Man” said the bartender. “He knows everything, remembers everything. He can remember every face he’s ever seen. He can remember any fact he hears or reads. Go and try him out.”

So Steven goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English soccer,asks Steven;”Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

Memory Man; “Liverpool” replies the Memory Man.

Steven; “Who did they beat?”

Memory Man; “Leeds United” was the instant reply.

Steven; “And the score?”

Memory Man; “2-1.”

Steven; “Who scored the winning goal?”

Memory Man; “Ian St. John” said the old man, without a hint of hesitation.

The man from Liverpool was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he got back.

Six years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Native American, only this time he was older and even more wrinkled.

The Liverpudlian came close to him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory man looked at Steven and said, “Diving header in the six yard box.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

t’s game of the FA Cup Final between Leeds and Derby,Stuart makes his way to his seat right at center circle. He sits down, sees that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbor Francis if someone will be sitting there. ‘No’ says Francis.‘The seat is empty.’

‘This is unbelievable ,’ said Stuart. ‘Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup and not use it?‘

Francis says, ‘Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

‘This is the first FA Cup match we haven’t been to together since we got married.’

‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?’

Francis shakes his head. ‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re all at the funeral.’

 

[ianrobbo1]

Gloria was in bed with her lover Francis when she heard her husband Nick opening the front door.

‘Oh my God! Hurry!,’ she said, ‘Stand in the corner.’

Gloria rubbed baby oil all over Francis, then dusted him with talcum powder.

‘Never move until I tell you,’she said. ‘Pretend you’re a sculpture.’

‘What’s that thing?’ Nick inquired as he entered the room.

‘Oh honey, it’s a sculpture from Greece,’Gloria replied.

‘The Morrisons bought one and I liked it so I bought one for us, too.’

They did not talk about the sculpture more and they went to the bed.

Around 3 AM Nick got up,went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a coke.

‘Here,’ he said to the sculpture,‘Take this.I stood like that for two days at the Morrisons and nobody offered me a damned thing.’

 

[ianrobbo1]

Christmas Party...
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 1, 2017.
RE: Christmas Party.
I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash deposit for the bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional Christmas Carols, feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus.!
A Christmas tree will be lit at 1:00 PM. Exchanges of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets.
This gathering is only for employees.!
Our CEO will make a special announcement at that time.!
Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 2, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Hanukkah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year.
However, from now on, we're calling it our ‘Holiday Party.’ The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians and to those still celebrating Reconciliation Day.
There will be no Christmas tree and no Christmas carols will be sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
Are you happy now.?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Employees.
DATE: November 3, 2017.
RE: Holiday Party.
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn't sign your name.
I'm happy to accommodate you for this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, ‘AA Only,’ you wouldn't be anonymous anymore. So how am I supposed to handle this.?
Somebody.?
And sorry, but forget about the gift exchange, no gifts are allowed since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and the executives believe $10.00 is a little stingy.
REMEMBER: NO GIFTS EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
To: All Employees.
DATE: November 4, 2017.
RE: Generic Holiday Party.
What a diverse group we are.! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party.! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our ‘Muslim employees' beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything for you to take it home in little aluminum foil doggy bag. Will that work.?
Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet, and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms.
Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, and each group will have their own table.
Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay men's table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, the Grill House asks that no cross-dressing to be allowed, apparently because of concerns about confusion in the restrooms. ‘Sorry.’
We will have booster seats for short people.
Low-fat food will be available for those on a diet.
I am sorry to report that we cannot control the amount of salt used in the food. The Grill House suggests that people with high blood pressure taste a bite first.
There will be fresh ‘low sugar’ fruits as dessert for diabetics, but the restaurant cannot supply ‘no sugar’ desserts. ‘Sorry!’
Did I miss anything.???
Patty.

Company Memo.
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director.
TO: All Fucking Employees.
DATE: November 5, 2017.
RE: The Fucking Holiday Party.
I've had it with you vegetarian pricks.! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you assholes like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the ‘grill of death,’ as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your fucking salad bar, including organic tomatoes.
But do you know that tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream ‘RIGHT FUCKING NOW!’
The rest of you perishing wierdos can kiss my ass. I hope you all have a rotten holiday.!
Drive drunk and die.
Patty.
Company Memo
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director.
DATE: November 6, 2017.
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party.
I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery from her recent nervous breakdown and I'll continue to forward your cards to her at the Hospital.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay.
So ‘Fuck the lot of You and Happy Whatever.!’
Joan.

 

[Quiney]

“Dear Lord,

The past couple of years have been very tough for me.You have taken my favourite author Tom Clancy.My favourite actor, Frank Finley. My favourite comedian, Robin Williams. My favourite singer, David Bowie And finally, my favourite radio personality, Terry Wogan.



I just wanted you to know, Lord, that my favourite Politicians are Theresa May, Jeremy Corbyn, and that stupid c*nt from Scotland.”

 

[Quiney]

A drunk man who stank of beer and cigarettes sat down on the train next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,

'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be darned. Looking a bit shocked the man returned to his paper.

The Priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised.
'I'm very sorry he said, I didn't mean to be unkind by being judgemental. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

 

[T.C]

Carillion have just been awarded the contract to build the new bridge across the English Channel

 

[ianrobbo1]

A gynecologist had a burning desire to change careers and become a mechanic. So she found out from her local tech college what was involved, signed up for evening classes and attended diligently, learning all she could.

When time for the practical exam approached, she prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, she was surprised to find that she had obtained a mark of 150%.

Fearing an error, she called the instructor, saying “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting.”

The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark. I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it THROUGH the exhaust…”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, “It’s the druggist – he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.” Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, “Now, just a minute – listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I’ll be damned if I didn’t lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.

I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels – the phone is still ringing – when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife – she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.

He said, “You must be single.” The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, “Well, y’know, that’s right. But how in earth did you know that?

The drunk said, “Cause you’re uglier ‘n shit.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?” The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. “Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”

His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. “How many sales did you make today?” The kid says, “One.” The boss says, “Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?”

Kid says, “$101,237.64.” Boss says, “$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?”

Kid says, “First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer.”

The boss said, “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?”

Kid says, “No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, ‘Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing”

 

[andyBeaker]

 

[Squag1]

80 year old golfer was frustrated coz he couldn't see where ball went. Mate said I'll do caddy I have 100% sight.
He hit first ball and mate said "see it".
So off they went down the fairway.
As they got close to where he thought the ball might be he asked mate for thr location of the ball.
"I forget"..........