Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

Teresa had a female parrot which always saying: “Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?”

She was hopeless, so she went to the church to find priest for a solution to the problem. The priest said, “Bring your bird to my house. I have two male parrots who read the bible and pray all the time. They will be a good influence on her.”

So,Teresa brought the parrot to priest’s house and put her parrot into the cage with the two male birds. She squawked, “Hello, I am very hot. Do you want to have some fun?” One male parrot looked at the other one and said, “Put the Bible away, our prayers have been answered.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

There was a boy Olivier who worked in the supermarket as a greengrocer. A middle aged big guy came into market and asked to buy half a head of leek.Olivier told him that they only sell whole heads of leeks,but the big guy replied that he did not need a whole head, only a half.

Olivier explained that he would have to ask the manager and so he walked into the back management office,found the manager and said, “There is a jackass out there who wants to buy only a half a head of leeks.”

As he finished saying this, he turned around to find the big scary-looking guy standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman wants to buy the other half”.

The manager approved the request and the scary-looking guy went on his way. Later on the manager said to Olivier, “You almost got yourself in a big trouble, but I must say I was impressed with the way you got out of it. You are ingenious and we like that kind of employee around here. Where are you from son?”

Olivier replied,“Argentina sir”.

“Oh, really? Why did you leave Argentina?”asked the manager. Olivier replied, “They’re all just whores and football players up there.”

“My wife is from Argentina!”manager shouted.

Olivier replied, “That’s incredible! Which team did she play for?”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Martin and Stefanie are young new married couple,decided to join a church.

The Priest told them, “We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must keep away from having sex for two weeks.”

Martin and Stefanie agreed and came back to the church at the end of two weeks.

The Priest asked them, “Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?”

Martin replied:”Priest, I’m afraid we were not able to go without sex for the two weeks.”

“What happened?” asked the Priest.

“My wife was reaching for a cornflakes on the top of shelf and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was over come with lust and took advantage of her right there.”I shudder to think,you understand, of course, that means you will not be welcome in our church,” replied the Priest.

“That’s okay,” said the young man.

“We’re not welcome at the corner shop anymore either.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man escapes from the jail where he has been for fourteen years.

He breaks into a house to look for food,clothes,money,car and maybe guns.He goes to the bedroom and finds a new married young couple in bed.

He shouts to the young husband out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the wife to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While convict is in there, the husband tells his wife: “Listen honey, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his weird face and clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and has not seen a woman for years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t fight back, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you.This man is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us.Be strong darling.I love you.”

After that his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was a gay, thought you were nice and cute, and asked me if we had any moisturizer or vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong darling.I love you too!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Michael asked his wife Sharon,“What would you most like for your birthday?”

Sharon said, “I’d love to be fifteen again.”

On the morning of Sharon’s birthday, they got up early and they went to a Theme Park. Michael put her on every ride in the park; Amazing Roller Coaster, Screaming Loop, Tunnel of Fear and many others.

Sharon had every ride in park. She staggered out of the theme park five hours later. Her head was turning and got nausea. Then they went to the movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank coke. They really tired. At last they came home and collapsed into bed.

Michael leaned over and asked, “Well, dear, what was it like being fifteen again?” One eye opened and she groaned, “Actually, honey, I meant dress size!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Zack and Toby are walking to bus stop one day and Zack is describing his new X Box One to Toby.

“That is incredible!, where did you get that?” Toby asks.

“I got it last night for Hanukkah,” replies Zack.

“Hanu… what???” Toby asks.

Zack replies, “Hanukkah. It’s the Jewish holiday where we get presents every night for eight nights to celebrate the festival of lights.”

“Wow, I wish we got that!” Toby exclaims. The next day on the way to school Toby runs up to Zack, curious to see what he got the previous night.

He sees that Zack is upset and asks him, “What’s wrong? Where’s your present from last night?”

Zack holds up a ball of crumpled wrapping paper as he says, “It was leftovers night.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A Chinese went to a bar in Caribbean to have some drinks. At the opposite, he sat next to a famous Hollywood producer, Steven Spielberg, who had already drank five shots of tequila.

After a round of beer the Chinese sensed that the famous producer was looking at him.

Abruptly, in a flash, the Chinese crashed down from his stool, felled by a vicious hook from the producer.

Picking himself up, he shouted, “What the hell was that for?” The producer furiously answered: “That’s for the bombing of Pearl Harbor. My father died in that bombing!”.

“I am not Japanese,you idiot! I am a Chinese!”

Spilberg answered; “Yeah yeah yeah.It doesn’t matter.Japanese, Burmese, Chinese, Vietnamese… you are all the same!”

Regaining his composure, the Chinese took his seat and ordered a Rum from the bartender. A few seconds later, the Chinese turned around and delivered a ‘Bruce Lee Fist’ to the Spilberg, sending him flat to the floor.

“What was that for?!!” exclaimed the producer.

“That’s for the sinking of the Titanic! My ancestors was on that ship!” the Chinese responded.

“You ignorant moron! The Titanic was sunk by an iceberg!” shouted the producer.

“Yeah yeah yeah. It doesn’t matter. Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg… you are all the same!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A second grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. One day she asked;

Johnny what is your problem?

He answered, “I’m too smart for the second grade, boring here,my sister is in the third grade and I’m smarter than her too.”

The teacher took him to the principal’s office and explained the situation to him.

The principal told her that he would give Johnny a test, and if he give wrong answer to one question, he would go back to the second grade and he would stop make problem.

The teacher and Johnny both agreed.

Principal: “What is 4 x 3?”

Johnny: “12.”

Principal: “5 x 6?”

Johnny: “30.”

So, it went on like this. The principal asked him every question a third grader should know. Finally, after about an hour, he told the teacher, “I do not see a reason why Johnny can’t go to the third grade, he answered all of my questions right.”

The teacher asked if she could ask him some questions. The principal and Johnny agreed.

Teacher: “What does a sheep have four of that I only have two of?”

Johnny: “Legs.”

Teacher: “What do you have in your pants that I don’t have?” The principal hold his breath but before he could stop him from answering, Johnny answered.

Johnny: “Pockets.”

Teacher: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”

Johnny: “Pants.”

Teacher: What starts with F and ends with K and means a lot of excitement?”

Johnny: “Firetruck.”

The principal breathed a big sigh of relief and said: “Put Johnny in the fifth grade, I got the last 4 questions wrong myself.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Arnold goes into a technology store and starts looking around. He sees a game console and ultra high definition TV, but there was no price listed on them. He asked the salesman; “How much are these console and TV?”

“Ten dollars for both of them,” the salesman answers.

“Damn! Are you kidding me?”Arthur replies unbelievingly.

“No, that’s the price,” the salesman replies, “Do you want to buy them or not?”

“Yeah,I’ll take them!” the Arnold response.

He continues to look around and see a home theatre system with bluray player,amplifier, speakers, and subwoofers. “How much does it costs?” he asks.

“Ten dollars for the system,” the salesman answers.

“Is it stolen?” Arnold asks.

No,” says the salesman, “It’s brand new, do you want to buy it or not?”

“Sure,” the customer replies. He looks around some more.

Next Arnold finds a powerful laptop computer and a printer. “How much?”

“Ten dollars,” was the salesman response.

“I’ll take that too!”Arnold says.

As the salesman is ringing up the purchases,Arthur asks him,

“Why are these electronic items so cheap?”

The salesman answers,“Well, the owner of the store is at my house right now with my wife.

What he’s doing to my wife, I’m doing to his business!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A city guy Donovan was driving his Mercedes down a country road when his car broke down next to a field filled with cows. Donovan got out and although he knows nothing about cars, started poking around under the hood.

One of the cows walked over to the fence, leaned over, looked at the engine and said, “I think the problem’s in your valve rocker shaft.”

Donovan nearly jumped out of his skin, and ran off to the nearest farmhouse. When he got there he banged with fear on the door.

The farmer opened the door, and Donovan screamed “A cow just told me how to fix my car!” as he pointed towards the field.

The farmer looked over to the field and asked, “Was it a big yellow cow?”

“Yes! Yes!” said Donovan.

The farmer asked, “Did she have a big black spot next to her ear?”

Donovan yelled, “Yes! Yes! That’s the one!”

The farmer sighed in exasperation. “That damn fool Betty,” he said. “Don’t listen to her. She knows nothing about cars.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A charming woman meet with a handsome guy in a bar. After a few shots charming woman said to the guy;

“My mouth is like a powerful amplifier, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want.”

The young guy was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, “It can’t be true. I don’t believe you.”

Charming lady said, “You can try it if you want”.

Young guy said, “Ok come to my flat and prove it to me.”

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the guy’s flat. They entered to the house and the woman undressed herself and soon the young man started to twirl the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happened. He changed to the right nipple and started to rubbing with more pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young guy soon gave up and asked to the woman, “I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples but there are no response.”

The charming woman replied, “You forgot to plug in.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

This elderly lady Breanna goes to the doctor for a consultation.

Everything check out fine.

Breanna comes closer to the doctor and says in a low voice, “Doctor, I haven’t had sex for ten years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband’s sex drive.”

The doctor smiles and says, “Have you tried to give him Cialis or Viagra?”

Breanna frowns. “Doctor, I can’t even get him to take an aspirin when he has a headache,” she claimes.

“Well,I see…” The doctor continues, “I have an idea about it. Crush the pill into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won’t notice a thing.”

Old lady Breanna is delights.

She leaves from the doctor’s clinic quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returns.

She frowns and the doctor asks to her what is wrong.

She shakes her head.

“How did it go?” The doctor asks.

“Awful, doctor, awful.”

“Did it not work?”

“Yes,” Breanna says, “It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I’d had in twenty years.”

“Then what is the problem, Breanna?”

“Well,” she says. “I can’t ever show my face in Starbucks again.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

After being married for twenty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.

He looked at her for a while, and then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”

She asked, “What does that mean?”

He said, “Amazing, Bright, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fantastic, Gorgeous, Hot.”

She felt very happy and said, “Oh my dear, that’s so lovely.

What about I, J, K?”

He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a scary hurricane that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Texas.

Abruptly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the great Wizard of Oz?”

Jimmy Carter steps forward mousy “I’ve come for some courage.”

”No problem!” says the Wizard. “Who is next?”

Ronald Reagan steps forward, “Well.I think I need a heart.”

”You have one now,” says the Wizard.

“Who comes next before the great and powerful Oz?”

Up steps George Bush, who says, “American people told me that I need a brain.”

”Not problem!” says the Oz. “Consider it done.”

There is a great silence in the hall.

Bill Clinton is just standing there, looking around, but says nothing.

Irritated, the Wizard finally asks, “What do you want?”

”Ahh,” Bill says quietly, “is Monica around?”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A professor was conducting a group therapy session with three young desperate mothers and their small kids.

“You all have obsessions,” he diagnoses.To the first desperate mother, professor says,“You are obsessed with eating.You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”

He turned to the second mother.“Your obsession is money. Again, it reveals itself in your child’s name,Penny.”

At this point, the third mother got up,took her little boy by the hand and whispered his ear,“Come on,Dick,let’s get out of here.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Shane walked into the bar and sit on the chair. He says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender says, “What’s the matter? I think it is too much.”

Shane replies, “I found out my brother is gay and marrying with my best friend.”

The next day Shane comes again to the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.

The bartenders asks, “What’s wrong this time?”

Shane answers, “I found out that my son is gay.”

The next day the Shane comes in the bar and orders 20 shots of whiskey.

Then the bartender asks, “Doesn’t anyone in your family like women?”

Shane looks up to the bartender and says, “Apprently my wife does.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Dennis went to the his favorite bar after a hard working day for being relax. He saw a man next to him who orders tequila and beer. He drank the tequila after than continued with beer and then looked into his shirt pocket.The guy made same thing for several times and it took the attention of Dennis.

He approached to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I noticed your little ritual, why you looked into your shirt pocket every time when you drink your shot and beer?”

The guy replied, “There is a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts looking good, I am going home!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

An atheist guy Stephan was walking in Serengeti. He looked around and said to himself “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!.”

As Stephan was walking alongside the river, he heard a voice in the bushes behind him.

He turned back to look. He saw a giant lion charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the lion was closing in on him.

Stephan looked over his shoulder again, and the lion was even closer.

He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the lion was right on top of him,reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist Stephan screamed out, “Oh my God!”

Time stopped. The lion froze. The forest was silent.

As a incredible bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky.

“You refuse my existence for all these years, you tought others I didn’t exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident.”

“Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

The atheist Stephan looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make that lion a Christian?”

“Very well,” said the voice.

The incredible light disappeared.The forest alive again.

And the lion dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:

“Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a traffic police. He thinks he’s smarter being a big shot lawyer from New York and has a better education than an police officer from West Virginia. The officer asks for license and registration.

The lawyer asks, “What for? Did I make a mistake?”

The officer responds, “You didn’t come to a exactly stop at the stop sign.”

The lawyer says, “I slowed down and nobody was coming.”

“You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration please,” say the cop impatiently .

The lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you can give me the traffic ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the traffic ticket.”

The cop says, “That sounds fair, please exit your car.”

The lawyer steps out and the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it.

The cop says, “Do you want me to stop or just slow down?”

 

[T.C]