Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

It was oral examination in the standard two. The class teacher asked various questions to the students. She asked Tom, ‘Can you tell me a name of an animal that starts with alphabet ‘E’?

Tom replied ‘ELEPHANT’

Teacher asked him again to name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘T’.

Tom replied ‘Two Elephants’

Teacher asked him the same question.

Tom replied ‘Ten Elephants’

Annoyed teacher, asked him name an animal that starts with alphabet ‘M’

Tom replied ‘Mother Elephant’

The angry teacher repeated the same question.

Cool Tom replied ‘May be an elephant’

 

[ianrobbo1]

One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and immediately hand in their tests.

The young man kept writing furioulsy, although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10 minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor told him he would not take the test.

The student asked, “Do you know who I am?”

The prof said, “No and I don’t care.”

The student asked again, “Are you sure you don’t know who I am?”

The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests, placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.

“Good” the student said, and walked out. He passed.

 

[ianrobbo1]

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?”

Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.”

The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.”

Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?”

The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady’s house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

“Wow!” the man said. “Can I take it for a test drive?” Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady’s house.

“Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?”

“My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into a room to meet with his former accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer.

The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well ask him where my damn money is!” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where my damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! The money is hidden in a brown suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says…go to hell… ..that you don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two chickens, and a goose. The farmer looks at his purchases and says, “Damn, I WALKED here. How am I gonna carry all this home?

The livestock dealer said, “Why don’t you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?” “Hey, thanks!” the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?”

The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road from there. Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”

The little old lady said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?”

The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”

She replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket … and I’ll hold the chickens.”

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

 

[T.C]

Rumour has it that this thing was their accountant

 

[Quiney]

There was a biology student Murdock who was studying balance in sea birds with a specific focus on terns.
He proposed that giving measured doses of THC (marijuana) and observing their flight patterns would give some clutch to the problems of balance in 3D space.
This proposal being given in a more liberal era, the student got the funding.
Murdock filled out thousands of forms, set up a lab with a ready supply of terns, and proceeded on his way.
After a year of diligent work, groveling monthly before the review committee to get his stipend, and living with drugged terns, he completed his study.
With trembling hands, he delivered his 347-page report, complete with charts and graphs, to the review committee.
The august body perused his study, asking penetrating questions and reducing Murdock to jell. Finally, the department head talked.
The light reflected off her horn-rimmed glasses as she stared down at Murdock.
“There is a lot of good work here,” she said. “But we can’t accept this report. You have detailed marvelously the effects of THC on terns but you forgot one essential step: you have no control group.”
Murdock turned pale and said, “You don’t mean…”
“Yes. I’m afraid so. You left no tern unstoned.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

 

[ianrobbo1]

The young lady of New York Jasmin was very depressed and decided to commit suicide by throwing herself into the sea.

Just before she could throw herself from the pier, a handsome young man Austin stopped her.

Austin: “There are many reasons to live” he said. “I’m a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we arrive to Italy you will be SO GLAD you’re alive.”

Jasmin accepted the offer. Because there was nothing to lose.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship’s hold.

From then on, every night, he would bring for her foods, bottles of drinks, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

The Captain asked “What are you doing here?”

Jasmin: “I have an arrangement with Austin,” she replied. “He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy.”

The Captain says: “I see,”

Jasmin: “Plus, he’s screwing me.”

“He definitely is,” replied the captain. “This is the Staten Island Ferry.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A manager at Walmart had the task of hiring someone to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes, he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would decide which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table, the interviewer asked, “What is the fastest thing you know of?”

The first man responded, “An idea. It just pops into your head. There’s no warning.” “That’s very good!” replied the interviewer.

“And, now you sir?” He asked the second man. “Hmm, let me see, a wink! It comes and goes and you don’t know that it ever happened. A wink is the fastest thing I know of.” “Cool!” said the interviewer. “The blink of an eye, that’s a very popular cliché for speed.”

He then turned to the third man, who was contemplating his reply. “Well, out at my dad’s farm, you step out of the house, and on the wall there’s a light switch. When you turn that switch, way out across the grassland, the light on the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.” The interviewer was very affected with the third answer and thought he had found his man. “It’s hard to beat the speed of light,” he said. Turning to Abba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question.

Abba responded, “After hearing the previous three answers, it’s clear to me that the fastest thing known is Runs.” “What!?” said the interviewer, stunned by the response. “Oh sure,” said Abba. “You see, the other day I wasn’t feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but before I could think, wink, or turn on the light, I had already sh*t my pants.” Abba is now the new greeter at a Walmart near you!

 

[ianrobbo1]

Eaten and Amber were going out for the night. They got ready – showered, they wore their best clothes and, cat put out.

The taxi arrived but as they left the house, the cat shot back in. They didn’t want the cat shut in the house on it’s own while they were out, so Amber went out to the taxi while Eaten went back inside and followed the cat upstairs to chase it out.

Amber didn’t want the taxi driver to know the house would be empty so she told him, “My husband’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”

Five minutes later, Eaten came out and got into the car and says, “Sorry I took so long, the dumb old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Little Zoe was not the best student in Sunday school.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, “Tell me, Zoe, who created the universe?”

When Zoe didn’t stir, little Wesley who seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

“Oh My God!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “Very good” and Zoe fell back asleep.

A while later the teacher asked again to the Zoe, “Who is our Lord and Saviour,” But,Zoe didn’t even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Wesley came to the rescue and stuck her again.

“Jesus Christ!” screamed Zoe and the teacher said, “very good,” and Zoe fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked to the Zoe for the third times.

“What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?”

And again,Wesley jabbed her with the pin.

This time Zoe jumped up and screamed, “If you stick that fu****g thing in me once again, I will break it in half and stick it up your arse!”

The Teacher froze.

 

[ianrobbo1]

During lunch at work, I ate two plates of beans with onions.I know it is a big mistake… When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and yelled cheerfully, “Honey I have a surprise for dinner tonight.” He then closed my eyes with scarf and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to opened my eyes, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the scarf until he returned and went to answer the call. The beans I had eaten were begin affecting me and the pressure was becoming irresistible, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not loud, but it smelled like a manure truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me strongly. Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing hydrogen bombs like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was ineffable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very comfort and glad with myself. My face have been like the picture of Mona Lisa when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had opened my eyes,and I assured him I had not. At this point,he opened my eyes,and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, “Happy Birthday Mrs.Fart!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Young and blonde Pamela was taking helicopter lessons. Mario (instructor) said, “I’ll radio you every 750 feet to see how you’re doing.”

At 750 feet, Mario radioed her and said she was doing great. At 1500 feet, he said she was still doing well.

Right before Pamela got to 2250 feet, the rotor stopped, and she twirled to the ground. Mario ran to where Pamela crashed and pulled her out of the helicopter. He asked her, “What happened?What went wrong?”

Pamela replied, “At 2000 feet, I started to get cold, so I turned the big fan off.”