• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Second grade teacher Penelope was teaching about the government to the class. After class,for homework,she told her students to ask their parents what the government is.

When Pablo got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad Alejandro thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom Sofia is Congress, your maid Eva is the work force, you are the people and your baby brother Sebastian is the future.”

“I still don’t get it” responded Pablo.

“Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad.

“Okay then… good night” said Pablo went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Pablo was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid Eva’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Pablo was amazed, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, “Oh! Now I finally understand the government! The President is screwing the work force, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of shit!”
 

Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
Aussie radio station was trying out new ways to attract listeners

"OK ladies and gentlemen a new feature today. I want you to call in with a new word and give me a sentence with that new word. "

Nothing no calls.........then the phone rings

Hi welcome to Perth radio what is your name and can you spell out your new word

Hi my names Bruce and my word is GAAN. G..,A...A...N

And your sentence Bruce

GAAN f--k yourself

Oh oh sorry listeners that wasn't meant to happen.

Ok listeners after this short break we will be back, get those words in.

After the break there were no calls.....then

Hi and welcome to Perth radio what is your new word

Hi my new word is SMEE

SMEE

Yes SMEE S...M...E...E

And what is your sentence

-

-

-

SMEE Bruce again GAAN f--k yourself
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
Yank : FBI agent.

Brit : Mi5 agent.

Russian : KGB agent.

Pakistani : News agent.
 
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Jaws

Corporal CockUp
Staff member
Moderator
Club Sponsor
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement.
When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room.
In there, she found her husband watching the Super Bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

"What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

He replied............"Watching the game with my son-in-law."
 

Quiney

Registered User
Defence Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defence Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,
When a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defence Attorney:
Did you know him?

Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defence Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my David died some 30 years ago.

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
He began to rub all over my body.

Defence Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defence Attorney:
Why not?

Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defence Attorney:
What happened next?

Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defence Attorney:
Did he take you?

Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.
 
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Quiney

Registered User
Two blind pilots board the plane, both are wearing dark glasses. One has a guide dog, and
the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.


The cockpit door closes and the engines start up, the passengers then become anxious for
some sign that this is just a practical joke.


None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and those sitting
in the window seats realize they are headed straight for the water at the end of the runway.
As it begins to look like the plane will plough into the water, screams fill the cabin......
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.


Everyone relaxes and turns to their magazines and iPads, secure in the knowledge that the
plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,
"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they are gonna scream too late, and we are all gonna
die!"
 

ianrobbo1

good looking AND modest
A man wanted to become a monk so he went to the monastery and talked to the head monk.

The head monk said, “You must take a vow of silence and can only say two words every three years.”

The man agreed and after the first 3 years, the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“Food cold!” the man replied.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said “What are your two words?”

“Robe dirty!” the man exclaimed.

Three more years went by and the head monk came to him and said, “What are your two words?”

“I quit!” said the man.

“Well,” the head monk replied, “I am not surprised. You have done nothing but complain ever since you got here!”
 
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