Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

A very handsome guy Brad gets into a terrible motorcycle accident.

The doctors save his life, but he loses his left eye. Before a nice glass one can be fitted, he is temporarily given a wooden eye.

Brad becomes very depressed and sad because of his eye loss and he always sit at home.

Eventually Brad’s friends come over and drag him out to a bar to try and cheer him up. While at the bar, he’s still just sitting there looking depressed, not really talking. One of his friends suggests he tries to talk to a cute girl who seems alone at the bar.

“No, she’ll never go for a man with a wooden eye, “Brad says.

“Okay, how about that girl over there?” His friend responds. “She has a really big nose”.

Brad walks over to the girl and asks, “Would you like to dance?”

Very excited, and shocked, to be asked to dance by such a handsome man, the woman responses

“Would I?! Would I?!”

To which the man quickly responds “Big nose! Big nose!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Reaching the end of a job interview,

The boss asks a young engineer fresh out of the California Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”

The engineer replies, “In the region of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The boss, “Well, what would you say to let’s rent a five-room residence a package of five weeks vacation, 21 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 60% of salary, and a company car leased every three years, say, a black Mustang?”

The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The boss, “Yeah, but you started it.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask a question to the receptionist.

As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”

She replies, “If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1331.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Richard is a 90 year old man was requested by his Doctor to have a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave a burette to Richard and said, “Take this burette, go home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

Next day the 90 year old man Richard came again to the doctor’s clinic and gave him the burette, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

“Well, look,doctor, it’s happened like this… First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing happened.

Then I asked my wife Eizabeth for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing happened.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried to help me too. First with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried to compress it between her knees but still nothing.”

The doctor was shocked and said, “You asked for help to your neighbour?”

The old man Richard replied, “Yes,none of us could get the burette open.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

John joins a competition and wins. A book is given as a gift to him. The title of the book is “Plain Logic”. John asks about the gift;

– What does this book say?

-You will learn when you read it…

– I don’t want to read right now, just tell me.

All right. Now look; Is there an aquarium in your house?

-Yes there is…

-And then there’s water?

-Yes there is…

– If there is water in it, is there fish?

-Yes there is…

– If you have fish, you like animals too?

-Yeah…

– I suppose if you love animals you love people too.

-Yeah…

-Then you have your love?

-Yes I have

-You look like old then, are you married?

-Yeah.

And if you have a wife , you’r not homosexual?

-Yeah.

-Do you see it? That’s what plain logic is …

John is very influenced. John gets the book and start walking to the home he sees Bill while walking;

Bill asked;

-John what is that?

-Plain logic book!

– Tell me what this is about …

-Now look; Do you have an aquarium at home?

-No!

-Then you’re a poof …

 

[ianrobbo1]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech. At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?” The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete . . how much steel!!

No, think of another wish!” The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I’ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women . . . know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment . . .know why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say, ‘nothing’ . . . know how to make them truly happy . . .”

The genie said, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

 

[Quiney]

An elderly Mexican lived close to Los Angeles for more than thirty five years.

He would have loved to plant carrots in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.

His son is in college in Rome, so the old man sends him an e-mail.

He explains the problem: “My Dear Son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant carrots in my garden. I am sure, if you were here, you could help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father.”

The following day, the old man receives an e-mail from his son: “Beloved Father, please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’. I love you, too, Rodrigo”

At 3pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. They disappointed and left the house.

Next day, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. “Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your carrots. That’s all I could do for you from here. I love you, Rodrigo.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

At the 1998 World Women’s Conference, the first speaker from England stood up: “At last year’s conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb.”

The crowd cheered.

The second speaker from America stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing but my washing as well.”

The crowd cheered.

The third speaker from Ireland stood up: “After last year’s conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A philosopher once had the following dream.

First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, “Could you give me a fifteen-minute capsule sketch of your entire philosophy?” To the philosopher’s surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes. But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn’t answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.

Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers’ objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn’t answer it and disappeared.

Then all the famous philosophers of history appeared one-by-one and our philosopher refuted every one with the same objection. After the last philosopher vanished, our philosopher said to himself, “I know I’m asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I’ve found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!”

With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief. The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written. It was, “That’s what you say.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Teacher: “If I gave you three dogs and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine.”

Teacher: “No, listen carefully… If I gave you three dogs,and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine.”

Teacher: “Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you three bananas, and another three bananas and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Eight.”

Teacher: “Good. Now if I gave you three dogs,and another three dogs and another two, how many would you have?”

Dustin: “Nine!”

Teacher: “Dustin, where in the heck do you get nine from?!”

Dustin: “Because I’ve already got a bloody dog!”

 

[slim63]

As a child I was made to walk the plank

We couldn't afford a dog

 

[slim63]

Archaeology

That's a career in ruins

 

[slim63]

I like Whiteboards

They are truly remarkable

 

[T.C]

A father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. “I don’t want to know!” the child said, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me.”

Confused, the father asked what was wrong “Oh dad,” the boy sobbed, “when I was 6 I got the “there’s no Santa” speech. At 7, I got the “there’s no Easter Bunny” speech. When I was 8, you hit me with the “there’s no tooth fairy” speech.

If you tell me that grown-ups don’t really f.ck, I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

Copycat http://www.superblackbird.co.uk/index.php?threads/daily-smile-thread.74857/page-28

 

[ianrobbo1]

Copycat http://www.superblackbird.co.uk/index.php?threads/daily-smile-thread.74857/page-28

Yeah!! whatever!!

 

[Jaws]

 

[T.C]

 

[ianrobbo1]

Simon is walking along the pier one day when he comes across an old man with his shoes off, trousers rolled up, legs dangling in the sea and fishing with an fictional fishing rod.

Simon is baffled so he asks, “What are you doing mate?”

The old man answers, “Fishing for idiots.”

“Sounds cool,” says Simon. “Can I join you?”

The old man says, “Of course you can. Sit down here next to me, son.”

So Simon sits down and casts a fictional rod out.

Then Simon asks the old man, “So, how many idiots have you caught today, then?”

The old man replies, “You’re the fourth this morning.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Clara and James get into a car accident

Both of their cars are totally ruined, but surprisingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage,Clara says, “Jesus Christ, look at the cars, there’s nothing left! Thank God we are fine. This must be a sign from the God that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other.”

James answers, “Oh yes, I exactly agree with you.”

Clara points to a bottle on the ground and says, “And here’s another miracle. For some reason this bottle of whisky from my back seat didn’t break. Surely God wants us to drink this whisky and celebrate our good chance.”

Then Clara hands the bottle to the James. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and drinks about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. then hands it back to the woman.Clara takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

James asks, “Aren’t you having any?”

Clara replies, “No. I think I’ll just wait for the cop… I’ll let them decide who’s fault it is.”