Daily Smile thread

[Jaws]

That jar thing.... sorry...



View attachment 42529

I still don't understand it but if it is anything to do with Michael Jackson I'm happy not to understand.

Well you two are either deliberately being obtuse or I know why Andy will not register on the quiz site and Bill sets the quizzes !
Gentlemen, read what is written on the label that has been stuck on the jar of SMOOTH CARAMEL


The words:
You've been hit by

You've been struck by

A smooth criminal

Are taken taken from the song Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson.
It was taken off the album 'Bad' which was his 2nd biggest seller with 3.8m copies sold , and when it was released as a single sold another 2 million copies in the UK alone

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You either spent the entire time since 1987 with radio 4 on or you are playing dumb !

 

[sr71caspar]

Well you two are either deliberately being obtuse or I know why Andy will not register on the quiz site and Bill sets the quizzes !
Gentlemen, read what is written on the label that has been stuck on the jar of SMOOTH CARAMEL


The words:
You've been hit by

You've been struck by

A smooth criminal

Are taken taken from the song Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson.
It was taken off the album 'Bad' which was his 2nd biggest seller with 3.8m copies sold , and when it was released as a single sold another 2 million copies in the UK alone

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You either spent the entire time since 1987 with radio 4 on or you are playing dumb !

I don't think they are playing.

 

[Centaur]

Well you two are either deliberately being obtuse or I know why Andy will not register on the quiz site and Bill sets the quizzes !
Gentlemen, read what is written on the label that has been stuck on the jar of SMOOTH CARAMEL


The words:
You've been hit by

You've been struck by

A smooth criminal

Are taken taken from the song Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson.
It was taken off the album 'Bad' which was his 2nd biggest seller with 3.8m copies sold , and when it was released as a single sold another 2 million copies in the UK alone

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You either spent the entire time since 1987 with radio 4 on or you are playing dumb !

Radio 4 , Heavy Metal and brass bands. Was before, is now and always will be! I looked at the link someone put up and closed it even before the singing started. Michael Jackson tolerance is exceedingly low. On car journeys the wife insists on Radio 2 but fortunately she quickly falls asleep in the car and I switch to Radio 4.

 

[andyBeaker]

Well you two are either deliberately being obtuse or I know why Andy will not register on the quiz site and Bill sets the quizzes !
Gentlemen, read what is written on the label that has been stuck on the jar of SMOOTH CARAMEL


The words:
You've been hit by

You've been struck by

A smooth criminal

Are taken taken from the song Smooth Criminal by Michael Jackson.
It was taken off the album 'Bad' which was his 2nd biggest seller with 3.8m copies sold , and when it was released as a single sold another 2 million copies in the UK alone

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
You either spent the entire time since 1987 with radio 4 on or you are playing dumb !

But... caramel isn't the same thing as a criminal?

 

[derek kelly]

But... caramel isn't the same thing as a criminal?

It is if you have it on your steak.

 

[andyBeaker]

It is if you have it on your steak.

Fair point.

 

[derek kelly]

Got out of bed & tripped over the wife's bra, it was a booby trap.

 

[T.C]

 

[Jaws]

View attachment 42541

Best call him an ambulance..... Oh.. wait a minute..... Don;'t bother .... there aint any !

 

[Squag1]

Jackson called album Bad Bad........
coz he couldn't spell pathetic

 

[ianrobbo1]

It was 1960. Mike goes to pick up his date, Molly.

Molly’s father Samuel opens the door and invites him in.

He asks to Mike what they’re planning to do on the date.

Mike politely responds that they’ll probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Molly’s father suggests, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”

Mike was bewildered. “Excuse me, sir?”

“Oh yes, Molly really likes to screw. She’ll screw all night if we let her.”

Molly comes downstairs and announces that she’s ready to go.

About 15 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Molly rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and shouts at her father, “Dad! The Twist! It’s called the Twist!”

 

[T.C]

A guy asks for a tattoo of a $100 bill on his penis. Curious, the tattoo artist asks him why he would possibly want that.

He replies, "Three reasons: I like to play with my money, I like to watch my money grow, and $100 seems to be the only thing my wife will blow these days."

 

[ianrobbo1]

I called into Jessops today to pick up some photos I'd taken of my wife naked.

"Would you like the negatives?" Asked the guy as he handed me the package.

"Yes please!" I replied.

He said, "Your wife's got saggy tits and a fat arse."

 

[johnboy]

 

[ianrobbo1]

An elderly Mexican lived close to Los Angeles for more than thirty five years.

He would have loved to plant carrots in his garden, but he is alone, old and weak.

His son is in college in Rome, so the old man sends him an e-mail.

He explains the problem: “My Dear Son, I am very sad, because I can’t plant carrots in my garden. I am sure, if you were here, you could help and dig up the garden for me. I love you, Your Father.”

The following day, the old man receives an e-mail from his son: “Beloved Father, please don’t touch the garden. It’s there that I have hidden ‘the THING’. I love you, too, Rodrigo”

At 3pm the US Army, The Marines, the FBI, the CIA and the Rangers visit the house of the old man, take the whole garden apart, search every inch, but can’t find anything. They disappointed and left the house.

Next day, the old man receives another e-mail from his son. “Beloved Father, I hope the garden is dug up by now and you can plant your carrots. That’s all I could do for you from here. I love you, Rodrigo.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Christian children were lined up in the mess hall of a Catholic monastery for lunch.

At the middle of the table was a large pile of pears.

Sister Helen made a note, and posted on the pear tray,

“Take only one. God is watching.”

After lunch,children saw a large pile of chocolate chip cookies on the other side of the table.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want.

God is watching the pears.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A few days ago a routine police patrol parked outside a local brasserie.Late in the night the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so drunk that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,the guy managed to find his car which he fell into.He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other regulars left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was June and nice dry night) flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the klaxon and then switched on the lights. He moved the car forward a few inches,reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.
At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the street.The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a alcoholometer test.To his amazement, the alcoholometer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Confused,the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to join me to the police station. This alcoholometer device does not working.”

“I doubt it”,said the man, “Tonight,I’m the designated decoy

 

[ianrobbo1]

Dean wakes up at home with a remarkable hangover.He tries hard to open his eyes,and the first thing he sees is a couple of painkillers and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in clothes hanger, all clean and pressed. Dean looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless, clean. So’s the rest of the house.He takes the painkillers and notices a note on the table“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you.”

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son Ezra is also at the table, eating.

Dean asks, “Son, what happened last night?”

Ezra says,“Well, you came home after 4 A.M.,drunk and delirious.Broke the couch,vomited in the living room,and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door.”

Ashamed,Dean asks,“So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

Ezra replies,“Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off,you said, “Ma’am,leave me alone,I’m married!””

 

[ianrobbo1]

A broker Hammond goes to the police station to put out a missing person report on his wife.

Hammond: I lost my wife (misty), she went for shopping and still not came back home yet.

Police Officer: What is her height ?

Hammond: I never noticed.

Police Officer :Slim or chubby?

Hammond: She is not slim maybe chubby.

Police Officer: Colour of eyes ?

Hammond: Never noticed.

Police Officer: Colour of hair ?

Hammond: Changes according to season.

Police Officer: What was she wearing?

Hammond: Sweatshirt, jeans or suit I don’t remember exactly.

Police Officer: Was she going in a car???

Hammond: Yes.

Police Officer: Tell me the name,model and color of the car?

Hammond: Red Mercedes AMG-SLK 55 with supercharged 5.5 litre V8 engine generating 416 horse power teamed with an seven-speed tip tronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and

Then Hammond started crying…

Police Officer: Don’t worry sir,…

We will find your car…

 

[ianrobbo1]

There is a man named John who was such a die-hard pollyanna. No matter how hard the situation is, he would always say, “It could have been worse.”

So to cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a story to trick him.

One day, his friends told him, “John, did you hear what happened to Will? He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot then both, and turned the gun on himself!”

“That is so tragic,” John answered, “But it could have been worse.”

“But how could it be worse?” his bewildered friend replied, “Could it possibly be worse?”

“Well,” says John, “If it happened the night before, I could be dead!”