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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Quiney
Registered User
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." The salesman bought a ticket and sat
down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man..
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket and sat down.
Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing pecker.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be.
down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man..
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause, and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read,"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian." He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket and sat down.
Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing pecker.
The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."
She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside
me wife."
"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
Corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's
only been in there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Jack and his wife Diane went to the local country fair every year, and every year Jack would say,
'Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Diane always replied, 'I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid , and ninety quid is ninety quid'
One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said,
'Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Diane replied, 'Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's ninety quid.'
Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Jack replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out,
but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!'
'Diane, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.
'Diane always replied, 'I know Jack, but that helicopter ride is ninety quid , and ninety quid is ninety quid'
One year Diane and Jack went to the fair, and Jack said,
'Diane, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Diane replied, 'Jack that helicopter ride is ninety quid, and ninety quid is ninety quid.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride.
If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you!
But if you say one word, it's ninety quid.'
Jack and Diane agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres,
but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Jack and said,
'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Jack replied, 'Well to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Diane fell out,
but you know,..... ninety quid is ninety quid!'
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
RANTING!!!
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
CAN ADMINS OF THIS GROUP DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER. AN ELDERLY WOMAN. SHE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN iPHONE 8 IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVOURS.
I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN iPHONE 5S AND OBVIOUSLY SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH IT CAUSE ITS SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A small zoo in Barnsley acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in season and to make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?
Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Albert Tobytyke, a local lad & part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages.
Albert, like many Barnsley blokes, felt he had ample ability to satisfy any female. The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution, so Albert was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500?
Albert showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under four conditions:
1. "First up", Albert said, "No kissin' on't lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
2. "Secund", he said, "Tha' can't ever tell anybody abaht this." The Keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
3. "Thurd", Albert said, "Ah want all't bairns raised as Barnsley fans."
Once again it was agreed.
4. "And last of all", Albert stated, "Tha's got to gi me another week to come up wi' 500 quid
