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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Took my new girlfriend home to meet the parents, after she left my dad leans over & says "son, I think she's a keeper". "Really, you like her?" I reply, "no, she stinks of Elephant shit"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Two women meet up for lunch as they haven’t seen each other for a while and one says to the other “So what is it you do now for a job?”
“Well” she says “I go to work in the morning and I do a bit of typing and then my boss will come over and say will we go for some breakfast? So, we go for some breakfast and then when I get back from breakfast I do a bit more typing until lunchtime and then my boss will say will we go for some lunch? So, we go for some lunch and when I get back from lunch I do a bit more typing until dinner time and my boss will say will we go for dinner? So, we go for some dinner and when I get from dinner I do a bit more typing and then I go home. What is it you do?”
To which the other woman replies “yeah, I’m also a whore but I don’t do as much typing.
“Well” she says “I go to work in the morning and I do a bit of typing and then my boss will come over and say will we go for some breakfast? So, we go for some breakfast and then when I get back from breakfast I do a bit more typing until lunchtime and then my boss will say will we go for some lunch? So, we go for some lunch and when I get back from lunch I do a bit more typing until dinner time and my boss will say will we go for dinner? So, we go for some dinner and when I get from dinner I do a bit more typing and then I go home. What is it you do?”
To which the other woman replies “yeah, I’m also a whore but I don’t do as much typing.
A fire-fighter was working on the engine outside the Station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with, little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope, around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster" the firefighter said
The little girl replied thoughtfully "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.
The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" the firefighter said with admiration.
"Thanks" the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer.
The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles,
"I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope, around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster" the firefighter said
The little girl replied thoughtfully "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren".
An Irish bloke goes to the doctor and says
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a
look, if ya wood". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and
takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a
£20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases
the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see
another £10 note appear. "This is amazing"
exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note
comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a
look, if ya wood". So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and
takes a look. "Incredible," he says, "there is a
£20 note lodged up here". Tentatively he eases
the twenty out of the man's bottom, only to see
another £10 note appear. "This is amazing"
exclaims the Doctor "What do you want me to do?.
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out man" shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and another and so on...Finally the last note
comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batter, how moch is dare den?
The Doctor counts the pile of cash."£1990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit." says Paddy " I knew I wasn't feeling two grand."
R
ricko
Guest
Paddy goes to the doctor
"What can I do for you ?" asks the doctor"
"Well" says Paddy "it's der constipation doc, Oi've not been at all for a week"
"OK" says the doc, "please drop your trousers and pants and bend over"
Paddy complies and the doctor inspects his arse closely.
The doctor then goes out for a moment and returns with a pickaxe.
Before Paddy can object, the doctor delivers a well aimed blow to Paddy's arse,
and the constipation problem is suddenly, if messily, resolved.
"Dat's amazing doc", says Paddy, "what was the problem den ?"
"Paddy you have to stop wiping your arse on empty cement bags"
"What can I do for you ?" asks the doctor"
"Well" says Paddy "it's der constipation doc, Oi've not been at all for a week"
"OK" says the doc, "please drop your trousers and pants and bend over"
Paddy complies and the doctor inspects his arse closely.
The doctor then goes out for a moment and returns with a pickaxe.
Before Paddy can object, the doctor delivers a well aimed blow to Paddy's arse,
and the constipation problem is suddenly, if messily, resolved.
"Dat's amazing doc", says Paddy, "what was the problem den ?"
"Paddy you have to stop wiping your arse on empty cement bags"
R
ricko
Guest
Is there a don't like/bloody racist button??
I've already dealt with Jaws privately
Feel free to bring on the Yorkshireman jokes
I'm all for equality ...
Try this..
Go to google maps ( https://www.google.co.uk/ ) and in the search box ( top left ) type in:
gob shites
Click on search and........
Go to google maps ( https://www.google.co.uk/ ) and in the search box ( top left ) type in:
gob shites
Click on search and........
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Monkey shagging competition
Two men were chatting in the pub one night. One says "you're not from round here are you" "No" says the other " I'm just here for the monkey shagging competition down the village hall - my best monkey is in it. Come on - lets go and see how he's getting on" When they open the door, all they can see is monkeys shagging everywhere, hundreds of them. "Fuck me!" said the first chap. "Which one's yours?" The second chap points up to a monkey sitting on a rafter having a wank. "He won't win much sitting up there" said the first chap. "Nah - it's OK - he got a bye in the first round!"
Two men were chatting in the pub one night. One says "you're not from round here are you" "No" says the other " I'm just here for the monkey shagging competition down the village hall - my best monkey is in it. Come on - lets go and see how he's getting on" When they open the door, all they can see is monkeys shagging everywhere, hundreds of them. "Fuck me!" said the first chap. "Which one's yours?" The second chap points up to a monkey sitting on a rafter having a wank. "He won't win much sitting up there" said the first chap. "Nah - it's OK - he got a bye in the first round!"