• Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.50 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )

Daily Smile thread


Been there, and had one
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My girlfriend came into the room all excited and said, "My friend said she saw you going into the jewellers and the florists yesterday! What are you planning?"
"Well I was planning to have a shit but none of those shops let me use their toilet."

This woman just came up to me and said " I'm going to cut off the bottom of your trouser leg and put it in the library "
I said " that's a turn up for the books".

The recipe said "Set the oven to 180 degrees" so I did...
Now I can't open it because the door faces the wall...

I was in a clothes shop and I picked out a really nice shirt, then I went over to the woman standing by the changing rooms.
"Mind if I try it on?" I asked.
"No, go ahead."
I said, "You've got great tits."

Do you know what gives children a bad name?
Parents like Bob Geldof and Jamie Oliver!!

The pub is a 10 minute walk from my house, but my house is a 45 minute walk from the pub...
What's that all about?

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the midwife, I pulled her aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"
She winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park!"

Wife: What was that noise?...
Me: My shirt fell....
Wife: It sounded a lot heavier than your shirt??
Me: Yes, I was in it....

Got myself a Pensioners Satnav.
Not only does it tell me how to get there, it also tells me why I wanted to go in the first place!

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My sex life is like a Ferrari.
I don’t have a Ferrari

Before you mock kids who still believe is Santa.
Remember there are still adults who believe everything they read on Facebook!


Express elevator to hell
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A trio of flat track styled bikes from Mule Motorcycles in France....