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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Been to the docs as I have chills, they're multiplying.
And I'm losing control.
Doc says it is Saturday night fever.
And I'm losing control.
Doc says it is Saturday night fever.
NHS England have reported a major outbreak of the highly contagious Bitterblue virus in Manchester today. All City fans are expected to self isolate for at least 14 days whilst the risk of additional complications from piss taking abates.
A woman was visiting her husband in hospital, but couldn’t find the right ward.
She poked her head in one ward full of men and noticed a young man masturbating feverishly on his bed.
Shocked she tells a doctor, who said "don’t worry he’s got a disease where his scrotum constantly fills with semen, and if he doesn’t masturbate 5 times a day then his scrotum would burst under the pressure."
Still trying to track down her old man, she looks in on a single room and sees a nurse giving a blow job to someone in the bed.
Again she sees the doctor in the corridor and voices her shock, but the doc says, "Oh don't worry, he has exactly the same disease as the first man you saw".
She ask the doctor, "then why does he not just do what the first man was doing to relieve the pressure..?"
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"He’s with BUPA."
She poked her head in one ward full of men and noticed a young man masturbating feverishly on his bed.
Shocked she tells a doctor, who said "don’t worry he’s got a disease where his scrotum constantly fills with semen, and if he doesn’t masturbate 5 times a day then his scrotum would burst under the pressure."
Still trying to track down her old man, she looks in on a single room and sees a nurse giving a blow job to someone in the bed.
Again she sees the doctor in the corridor and voices her shock, but the doc says, "Oh don't worry, he has exactly the same disease as the first man you saw".
She ask the doctor, "then why does he not just do what the first man was doing to relieve the pressure..?"
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"He’s with BUPA."
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but... Something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's £1,000 an inch."
The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a
nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision."
The man agrees to talk with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"
"I have," says the man.
"And what is the decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're having granite worktops"
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts.
However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the ...bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorry's, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
