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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
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ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
I was walking along the river yesterday when this man with long hair and a beard wearing a loincloth was shouting -
"I am Jesus Christ and I've come to deliver you from evil"
I said to him "Calm down you idiot, if you're Jesus Christ prove it by walking on water"
..No sooner had I said it, he stepped into the river and sank like a stone.
I had to fish the fucker out. I said to him "You mad idiot, I told you you're not Jesus Christ, look at you, you can't even walk on water"
He replied "I could once, but thanks to the fucking romans I've now got two holes in my feet!"
"I am Jesus Christ and I've come to deliver you from evil"
I said to him "Calm down you idiot, if you're Jesus Christ prove it by walking on water"
..No sooner had I said it, he stepped into the river and sank like a stone.
I had to fish the fucker out. I said to him "You mad idiot, I told you you're not Jesus Christ, look at you, you can't even walk on water"
He replied "I could once, but thanks to the fucking romans I've now got two holes in my feet!"
A guy walks into a quiet bar carrying three ducks - one in each hand and one under his left arm. He places them on the bar, has a few drinks, and chats with the bartender.
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
The Bartender is experienced and has learned not to ask people about the animals that they bring into the bar, so he doesn't mention the ducks.
He and the guy chat for about 30 minutes before the guy has to go to the restroom. Now, the bartender is alone with the ducks. After an awkward silence, he decides to try to make conversation. "What's your name?" he says to one of the ducks.
"Huey," answers the first duck.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day."
"Oh, that's nice," says the bartender. Then he says to the second duck, "And what's your name?".
"Dewey," comes the answer.
"So how's your day been, Dewey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. If I had the chance, I would do it all again."
So the bartender turns to the third duck and says, "So, you must be Louie."
"No," growls the third duck, "my name is Puddles. And don't ask about my day."
A Scouser was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the hills of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Indian sitting in the corner. He had tribal gear on, long white plaits, wrinkled face. “Who’s he?” said the scouser.
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”
So the scouser goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”
“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.
“Who did they beat?”
“Leeds,” was the reply.
“And the score?”
“2-1.”
“Who scored the winning goal?”
“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.
The scouser was knocked out by this and told everyone back home about the Memory Man when he returned.
A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the old Indian only this time he was older and more wrinkled. Because he was so impressed, the scouser decided to greet the Indian in his native tongue.
He approached him with the greeting “How”.
The Memory man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box!!
Naughty.
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