Daily Smile thread

Discussion in 'Coffee Shop' started by Jaws, Aug 8, 2017.

  1. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building. The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says

    “Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

    The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says “Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

    The blonde opens his lunch box to find a cheeseburger and says” Man, if I get a cheeseburger one more time I’m going to jump off this building and fall to my death!”

    So the next day they all got the same thing and they jumped off the building to their death.

    That weekend at the funeral, the Italian and the Chinese wives are crying and saying “I would have fixed him something else for lunch but he never told me.”

    And as the two wives stare at the blondes wife, they both ask why she isn’t sad about her husbands death, the blonde replies “Don’t look at me, he packs his own lunch.”
     
  2. Quiney

    Quiney Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Two Aussie builders (Patrick and John) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a Stool at the bar.

    The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
    Pat: - I reckon he's an accountant.
    John: - No way - he's a stockbroker..
    Pat: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

    The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the Better of Pat and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
    Pat: - 'Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
    Suit: - No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.
    Pat: - Oh! What's that then?
    Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
    Pat: - Err... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
    Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a
    Pond. Which is it?
    Pat: - It's in a pond!
    Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden.
    Pat - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
    Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
    Pat: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!
    Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite Probably married?
    Pat: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children.
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with Your wife on a regular basis?
    Pat:- Yep! Five or six nights a week!
    Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
    Pat: - Me? Never.
    Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!
    Pat: - How's that then?
    Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!
    Pat: - I see! That's pretty impressive...thanks mate! Both leave the toilet and Pat returns to his mate.

    John: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
    Pat - Yep! He's a logical scientist!
    John: - What's that then?
    Pat: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
    John: - Nope.
    Pat: - Well then, you're a wanker.
     
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  3. Peter Halfpenny

    Peter Halfpenny Member Club Sponsor

  4. ianrobbo1

    ianrobbo1 good looking AND modest Club Sponsor

    This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

    He immediately phoned the police, who asked, “Is someone in your house?” and George said, “No,” and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

    George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

    “Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”

    Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

    One of the policemen said to George, “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”

    George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
     
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  5. Quiney

    Quiney Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    We had a novel experience at a recent meeting of our book club at the Men's Shed.

    One of our senior members, Ted Roberts who is himself an author lauded for his timeless work "Woodworking for Profit and Pleasure", came up with an interesting suggestion.

    He said his wife thought that we should read a book called "Fifty Shades of Grey" as we might learn something from it. Someone thought it would come in handy when re-painting the house.

    The chaps were all asked to attend our next meeting with some notes relating to their experience of reading the book and its relevance to our activities. At the follow-up meeting we had an enthusiastic full house where the blokes recounted the literary impact of the novel.

    Here are their experiences:

    Bill Carruthers, 74

    We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall. But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------

    Nick Enwright, 86

    She stood before me, trembling in my shed “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.” So I took her to B&Q.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

    Ted Roberts, 79

    She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

    Tom Entwhistle, 73

    Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles. She still manages to get into the shed, though.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

    Owen Ray, 69

    “Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.

    “Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

    John Hardcastle, 72

    “I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”

    So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

    Colin Horrocks, 65

    “Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”

    “Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

    Malcolm Riddock, 75

    I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window. Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -------------

    Allen Cardly, 74

    “Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.

    “I think so,” I gulped.

    “Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

    Humphrey Landsdowne, 56

    Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.

    “Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got a fat arse and no dress sense.”

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ -----------------

    Nicholas Benchley, 53

    “Are you sure you want this?” I asked.

    “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.

    “Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge furniture on eBay.

    ------------------------------ ------------------------------ ----------------

    Toby Williams, 60

    “Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”

    “Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.







    Well what did you expect then?
     
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  6. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    What Oxfams new shops will look like ;):)

    Oxfam.jpg
     
    Centaur, wildwill, slim63 and 4 others like this.
  7. Peter Halfpenny

    Peter Halfpenny Member Club Sponsor

    Just been cracked over the head and mugged.
    Was walking down the street with a drill then out of nowhere, Bosch
     
    Jaws likes this.
  8. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    2 can play at that ;)

    Fire alarm goes off and as everyone starts to evacuate a voice comes over the tanoy and says

    "Now hear this, now hear this. This is not a drill. Drills go Black and Decker, Black and Decker Bla......." :)
     
    ianrobbo1 likes this.
  9. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

  10. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    My wife asked me to get her something black and lacy for her Valentine's Day.

    Apparently she didn’t mean football boots.
     
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  11. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    I went to the florists this morning.

    The lady said "What's your Wife's favourite flower?"

    I responded "Plain" But thinking about it it's probably self raising.
     
    jeffa likes this.
  12. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

    A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
     
  13. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

    A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
     
  14. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Q: Whats long and hard and has cum in it?
    A: a cucumber

    Q: How do you kill a circus clown?
    A: Go for the juggler!

    Q: Did you hear about the guy who died of a Viagra overdose?
    A: They couldn't close his casket.

    Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
    A: Eve, because she made Adams banana stand

    Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come (cum) in a bottle?
    A: Because his wife died!

    Q: What do you call a cheap circumcision?
    A: a rip off

    Girl: "Hey, what's up?"
    Boy: "If I tell you, will you sit on it?"

    Q: How do you tell if a chick is too fat to fuck ?
    A: When you pull her pants down her ass is still in them

    Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a slut?
    A: Tug-of-whore.

    Q: Why do they call it PMS?
    A: Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
     
  15. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

    Whats the Diffenence between kinky and perverted?

    Kinky is when you tickle your girl friends ass with a feather.

    Perverted is when you use the whole chicken...
     
  16. Jaws

    Jaws Forum Admin Staff Member

    What's the difference between kinky and perverted ?

    Kinky is using feathers

    Perverted is using the whole chicken
     
    Centaur likes this.
  17. Quiney

    Quiney Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

  18. T.C

    T.C Well-Known Member Club Sponsor

  19. Peter Halfpenny

    Peter Halfpenny Member Club Sponsor

    Talking of midgets, my dwarf friend recently lost his job. He’s struggling to put food on the table
     
    T.C likes this.
  20. Peter Halfpenny

    Peter Halfpenny Member Club Sponsor

    I nearly lost my job with a roofing company today after being caught masturbating on the roof. Boss said I can wipe the slate clean
     

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