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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Sam and John were out cutting wood when John cut his arm off. Sam remained calm, wrapped the arm in a plastic bag, and took the arm and John to a surgeon. “You are in luck,” said the surgeon. “I am an expert in re-attaching limbs. Come back in four hours when I have completed the operation.”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
So Sam returned in four hours and the surgeon said, “I did it faster than I expected. Jon is down at the pub.” Sam rushed down to the pub and was amazed to see John playing darts.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again when John accidentally cut off his leg. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the same surgeon. “Legs are harder,” said the surgeon, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said, “I finished early – John’s playing football.” Sam went to the field and to his surprise found John kicking 50 meter torpedoes.
A few weeks later, Sam and John were cutting wood again, when John accidentally cut off his own head. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon, confident that the skilful surgeon would do the job.
“Gee, heads are really difficult to re-attach,” the surgeon muttered, “but I’ll see what I can do – come back in 12 hours.”
Sam returned in 12 hours. “How did it go, Doc?” he asked. “I’m sorry. John died,” the surgeon replied.
“He suffocated in the plastic bag, you idiot!!”
That's two of us!
wildwill
Registered User
Think Michael Jackson.
A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
"Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.
"To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.
"What do you mean?" the teacher asks.
"Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."
A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blond joke?"
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
The man said to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blond. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler, and he's blond. The bouncer is blond. The man sitting over to your left is also blond. Still wanna tell that blond joke?"
The blind man was silent for a moment and then said, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. “Doctor, you must help me,” she pleaded. “It’s gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”
“I see,” nodded the psychiatrist. “And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.”
“NO!!!” exclaimed the nurse. “I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterward!”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A man Robert, his wife Miley and a handsome stranger Shane are stranded on a desert island.
Miley quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the handsome stranger Shane.
The three start to build a watchtower.
Shane offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the Shane yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”
Robert yells back, “We’re not having sex!”
Later,Shane yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.
Finally,Robert takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife Miley and the handsome Shane make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”
Miley quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the handsome stranger Shane.
The three start to build a watchtower.
Shane offers to take first watch.
While the husband and wife gather driftwood on the sand, the Shane yells, “Hey! No sex on the beach! Get back to work!”
Robert yells back, “We’re not having sex!”
Later,Shane yells out to them again.
Again, the husband yells back and corrects him.
This happens several times during the stranger’s shift.
Finally,Robert takes his shift in the watch tower.
His wife Miley and the handsome Shane make passionate love on the beach.
The husband on watch exclaims, “Wow, it really does look like f**king from up here!”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
The doctor goes hunting some deers and returns after one day and asks: “So, Joeseph, how was your day?”
Joseph told him that he took care of three patients.
“First patient had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
Doctor asks; “Very good Joseph,and what’s about the second patient?”.
Joseph replied; “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.”
Doctor talks again; “This is what I want to hear from you Joseph! You’re good at this and what about the third patient?”
Joseph; “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a blond woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “Help me! For three years I have not seen any man!”
The Doctor; “Oh my Gosh!,Joseph, what did ye do for that woman?”
Joseph; “I put drops in her eyes!”
Joseph told him that he took care of three patients.
“First patient had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”
Doctor asks; “Very good Joseph,and what’s about the second patient?”.
Joseph replied; “The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.”
Doctor talks again; “This is what I want to hear from you Joseph! You’re good at this and what about the third patient?”
Joseph; “Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a blond woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “Help me! For three years I have not seen any man!”
The Doctor; “Oh my Gosh!,Joseph, what did ye do for that woman?”
Joseph; “I put drops in her eyes!”
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A successful farmer Alphonse died and left everything to his faithful wife Chasity.She was a very nice woman and determined to keep the farm, but knew very little about farming,so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a farm hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
Chasity thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk guy.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming.
Several weeks,Chasity and the Gay guy worked, and the farm was doing very well.
Then one day, the dead farmer’s widow Chasity said to the hired Gay, “You have done a really good job, and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The guy agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no one around.
Finally he returned , at three o’clock and upon entering the room, he found Chasity sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my dress and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she ordered. “Now take off my shoes.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her shoes.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then Chasity looked at the guy and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you will be fired.”
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
Chasity thought long and hard about it and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk guy.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about farming.
Several weeks,Chasity and the Gay guy worked, and the farm was doing very well.
Then one day, the dead farmer’s widow Chasity said to the hired Gay, “You have done a really good job, and the farm looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.” The guy agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return.
Two o’clock and no one around.
Finally he returned , at three o’clock and upon entering the room, he found Chasity sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
“Unbutton my dress and take it off,” she said.
Trembling, he did as she ordered. “Now take off my shoes.”
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. “Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her shoes.
“Now take off my skirt.”
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then Chasity looked at the guy and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you will be fired.”
Just thought you would like to know --
In anticipation of the next Summer Olympic Games, I present the following:
A bit of Greek History
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.
In anticipation of the next Summer Olympic Games, I present the following:
A bit of Greek History
2500 years ago a slave call girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.
In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink, containing saltpetre before and throughout the variety of events.
At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp Pricks!"
Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".
Just thought I'd share this new found knowledge with you.