Daily Smile thread

[ianrobbo1]

In the week before Independence Day, Rico, an extremely poor farmer won the sweepstakes. (a million dollar) So to celebrate, he treated his wife and their children to a trip to see the Labor Day parade in New York.

He booked them rooms in the Sheraton International at the corner of Park Circle and Central Park North. They’d never been to anywhere like New York before, in fact they’d never traveled further afield than their town, so when they got there they were completely bowled over by all the glitz, glamor and excitement of the “Big Apple”.

Rico and his son Saul were particularly mesmerized by a shiny box with golden walls in the hotel reception. They’d never before come across doors that could move apart, and then automatically close again, as neither had seen a lift before. So they were totally amazed when a little old lady entered the shiny box and the doors closed on her. The lights on the wall by the doors flashed for a minute or so, then the doors opened and out stepped a hot young woman.

Rico turned to Saul and said, “Son, go get your mother.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Six old retired guys are sat playing poker at Gary’s house one night when Rocco loses 600 bucks on a single hand. At the shock of this he clutches his chest and then drops dead from a heart attack.

Tony asks, “Who’s going to go and tell the situation to his wife?”

None of them want this horrible job so they finally decide to cut the pack, and lowest card loses and has to go tell her.

Ronald draws a three and loses so he’s the one who has to go and break the bad news. The others tell him to be discreet and gentle so as not to make a bad situation even worse.

Ronald says, “Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet – discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me, not a problem.”

He drives over to Rocco’s house and knocks on the door. Rocco’s wife answers and asks Ronald what he wants.

Ronald replies, “I’m sorry to have to tell you this but your husband just lost 600 bucks playing cards and is afraid to come home. He’s asked me to come over here and apologize to you.”

Rocco’s wife goes crazy and screams, ” You tell him I said drop dead!”

Ronald doesn’t bat an eyelid and says, “Ok, I’ll go tell him.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

Five unshakable facts:
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing them.
2. We all love to spend lots of money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was killed by the woman's husband.
5. Arguing over a girl's breast size is like choosing between Fosters, Heineken, Carlsberg & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

 

[Jaws]

 

[Jaws]

 

[Jaws]

 

[T.C]

Q: Why can't a blonde dial 911?

A: She can't find the eleven.

 

[Squag1]

Blond in motor factors....
I want 710 part.......it's a lid on the engine..

 

[T.C]

Little Johnny was in the kitchen playing with his toy train as his father cooked dinner.

Little Johnny stopped the train and said, ''All you damn a**holes who want to get off, get the hell off. All those who want to get on, get the hell on!''

''Little Johnny!'' exclaimed his father. ''I can't believe you are using that language! You should be ashamed of yourself! I want you to go to your room and don't come back until you have thought about what you've done!''

So Little Johnny goes to his room and comes back an hour or so later.

He resumes playing with his train, only this time when he stops it he says, ''All of you ladies and gentlemen who want to get off, you may now get off, and those who want to get on, you may now also get on.

And as for those of you who have a problem with the hour delay, talk to the a**hole in the kitchen!''

 

[T.C]

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No," said Johnny, "but he minded his own freakin' business."

 

[T.C]

One day little Johnny was walking up a hill pulling his red wagon behind him saying, "F**k this," "F**k that."

The town priest hears this and walks up to Johnny and says,"You shouldn't swear like that, Johnny. God is all around us."

"Is he in the sky?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Is he in that bush over there?" asks Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest."

Is he in my wagon?" asked Johnny.

"Yes," says the priest.

"Well tell him to get the f**k out and push!!!"

 

[T.C]

Little Johnny's father asks him if he knows about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny says, bursting into tears.

Confused, his father asks what's wrong.

"Oh, Dad," Little Johnny sobs, "first, there was no Santa Claus, then no Easter Bunny, and finally, no Tooth Fairy. If you're about to tell me that grownups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in."

 

[ianrobbo1]

A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.

After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.

“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”

“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. “Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?” She told him, “because he was conceived during a mighty storm.”

Then he asked, “Why is my sister named Cornflower?” She replied, “Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her.”

“And why is my other sister called Moonchild?” The mother said, “We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.”

Mother Indian paused and asked her son, “Tell me, Two dogs afucking, why are you so curious?”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A blonde guy gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. “What’s up?” he says. “I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted’s hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

“You rotten b.stard,” says the husband, “my wife’s having a heart attack, and you’re running around naked, scaring the kids!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

An Irishman named Murphy went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you… you have cancer and it can’t be cured. I’d give you two weeks to a month.”

Murphy, shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room. There he saw his son who had been waiting. Murphy said, “Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer and I’ve been given a short time to live. Let’s head for the pub and have a few pints.”

After three or four pints the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more beers. They were eventually approached by some of Murphy’s old friends who asked what the two were celebrating. Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad… he went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I’ve only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed with AIDS.” The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they had a couple more beers.

After his friends left, Murphy’s son leaned over and whispered, “Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer. You just told your friends that you were dying from AIDS!”

Murphy said,”I am dying from cancer, son, I just don’t want any of them sleeping with your mother after I’m gone.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A married couple were in a terrible accident in which the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too thin. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, ”Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, ”Think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

A Policeman was drilling 3 blondes, who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the 1st blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?”

The first blonde answers “That’s easy, we’ll catch him fast because he only has one eye” The policeman says “Well…Uh.. that’s because the picture shows his profile” Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asked her “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says “Ha! He’d be easy to catch because he only has one ear!”

The policeman angrily responds, “What’s the matter with you two? Of course only one eye and ear are showing because it’s a picture of his profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?”

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks “This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?” He adds quickly “….think hard before giving a stupid answer” The Blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says “HMMMM… the suspect is wearing contact lenses.”

The policeman is surprised and speechless, because he really doesn’t know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. “Well, that is a good answer.. wait here for a few minutes while I check his file, and I’ll get back to you on that”

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect’s file in his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. “WoW! I can’t believe it…it’s TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contacts lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?”

“That’s easy” the blonde replied. “He can’t wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!”

 

[ianrobbo1]

On a plane bound for New York the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

Not wanting to argue with a customer the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to New York, and I’m not moving.”

The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, “I’m married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this.”

He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde’s ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, “Why didn’t anyone just say so.”

Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. The pilot replied, “I told her the first class section wasn’t going to New York.”

 

[ianrobbo1]

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”