Q: Why did you buy a camouflage toilet seat?
A: So my wife can’t yell at me when I miss!
Q: How do you know a wishing well works?
A: If your mother-in-law falls down it
An amnesiac walks into a bar and goes up to a beautiful blonde and says, “So, do I come here often?”
Patient: “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
Doctor: “That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
Patient: “Yes, we took a vote and they’re in favor of it 17 to 2.”
A woman sees her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “You know that’s not going to help, right?” she asks.
“Sure, it will,” he says. “It’s the only way I’ll be able to see the numbers.”