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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
January, Greg
February, Ian
March, Greg
April, Ian
May, Greg
June, Ian
July, Greg
August, Ian
September, Greg
October, Ian
November, Greg
December, Ian.
The Gregorian calendar.
February, Ian
March, Greg
April, Ian
May, Greg
June, Ian
July, Greg
August, Ian
September, Greg
October, Ian
November, Greg
December, Ian.
The Gregorian calendar.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Things To Think About
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?
If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?
Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?
Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Chinese Proverbs
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
Man who run in front of car get tired. Man who run behind car get exhausted.
Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
Man with one chopstick go hungry.
Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
There are three moms. .
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde.
They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed"
They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake I. D. In my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her.
Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Toasted Blonde
One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
One day a blonde walks into a doctors office with both of her ears burnt.
The doctor askes her what had happened.
She says, "well... when I was ironing my work suit the phone rang and I mistakanly picked up the iron instead of the phone.
"Well that explains one ear, but what about the other."
"The bastard called again"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Johnny Plays Truck Driver
One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.
She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.
She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).
When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.
He said "I'm playing truck driver".
She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"
He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"
One day little Johnny's neighbor was washing dishes and saw little Johnny out the window sitting on the steps.
She saw him eat a jelly bean, bite the cats tail and move down a step.
She continued to watch him and he did it again (eat a jelly bean, bite the cat's tail and move down a step).
When curiosity got the best of her, she went across the street and asked little Johnny what he was doing.
He said "I'm playing truck driver".
She asked him "Well Johnny what does that mean?"
He said "I'm popping pills, eating pussy and moving on!"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
The tattoo story
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
There once was this lady who was a big fan of B.B. King.
As she was listening to the radio the announcer was giving away backstage passes to, none other than, B.B. King.
Being the right caller to the show, and winning the tickets, she decided to go and do something unique for her favourite blues singer.
She went down to the local tattoo shop and asked the artist to put a 'B' on each of her butt cheeks.
After he was finished, she paid the man and went on her way.
She arrived at the concert, ticket in hand, and enjoyed the show.
After it was over she proceeded to the backstage area
Once she got face to face with the blues legend she said "Mr. King. I have been a fan of yours for quite some time, and to prove it I want to show you something."
With that, she turned around, bent over, and dropped her pants to proudly display her new artwork.
B.B. King responded "Oh, I see. Who the hell is BoB?"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Smelly Arthritis
An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.
Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.
The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.
When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.
As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?
"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.
So the man ventured downwards.
After five minutes the man came back up.
"Any wrong?" asked the women.
"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.
"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"
"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.
"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"
An elderly couple (who lived in an old folks home) had had feelings for one another for quite some time.
Then one day they had a chance to meet up, as the old folks were going out on a day trip.
The two complained of some sort of illness and the carers told them to say put.
When the coach with the elders in had pulled away the couple made sure the coast was clear before slipping into the mans bedroom.
As soon as they'd taken their clothes off and got into bed the man asked the women did she like anything doing to her?
"I love to be licked down below!" came the reply.
So the man ventured downwards.
After five minutes the man came back up.
"Any wrong?" asked the women.
"Well yes theres a horrible smell and it tastes quite bad down there" said the man.
"Oh" said the women. "That must be my arthritis"
"In your Vagina?" enquired the man.
"No"answered the women. "The arthritis in my shoulder! I can't wipe my arse!!!"
T.C
Registered User
2 Blokes (Japanese and American) are playing golf. The Japanese guy is getting ready to tee off and suddenly starts talking to his thumb.
American bloke says: "What you doin?"
"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."
The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."
American bloke says: "What you doin?"
"Oh, don't worry, with Microtechnology I have a Microphone in my thumb. I was just recording a message."
The 2 men carry on golfing, but all of a sudden the American man makes a funny sound, that amazingly sounds like a fart. The Japanese man looks over at him. 'Oh,' says the American. "Don't worry, I'm just receiving a fax."