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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
I've just read that taking your bike to work everyday is good for the environment, so I thought, 'Oh well, why not?' It's not like I'm using the roof rack for anything else anyway!
If you were born legs first, for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
I live for two reasons:
1) I was born
2) I haven't died yet
Saw a bloke in an AA van yesterday crying his eyes out...
Think he was heading for a breakdown!
I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus!"
I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card…
My macaroni cheese is due back next Friday!
I was with my new girlfriend the other night getting down and dirty.
I pulled out my fully erect cock and she said "Bloody hell, you could knock somebody out with that!"
I said "Do you really think so?"
She said "Oh yeah, it fucking stinks!"
I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing...
It won't suck me off, it can't cook and it won't clean the house!
Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland…
Quid-each!
My wife's fanny smells like roses…
But Rose's fanny is tighter!
My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?"
I said, "It's Friday!"
I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "Fuck me, that bride is pig ugly!"
"Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"
Research shows that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty minute jog…
So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
Mobile phones nowadays are so expensive...
When you fall over and hear a crack sound you pray it's your leg!
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law...
She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery.
The keys are under door mat!
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe,
but if you remove it, you get... Gravy!
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me… I've been with that doctor for 15 years!
I took my young son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit."
I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble."
He walked off & came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?"
"In your car!"
I went to see a Psychic last night,
I said to her, "Before I pay you, prove your abilities or I'm leaving."
She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You masturbate a lot."
I said, "Fucking hell! That's brilliant, but how do you know?"
She said, "You're wearing a wedding ring!"
I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I replied, "Why?" He said,
"Because it keeps turning the gas off!"
At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied, "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"
Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner...
"Wow, that's amazing!" she said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"
"Online auction!"
When I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute...
I just think how strange it is that people take a fucking knife on a date!
Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin.
I said, "What the hell are you baking at this hour?"
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how pissed you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock & said, "I'm not fucking drunk!"
So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can, when I hear a popping sound and it suddenly went dark.
My wife shouted, "Darling, are you alright? We've had a power cut."
I replied, "Thank fuck for that. I thought my eyes had exploded!"
I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me two things:
1. It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet…
2. People get annoyed when you drop eggs on their car!
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be…
No need to remind her every half hour!
If you were born legs first, for a small moment you were wearing your mum as a hat!
I live for two reasons:
1) I was born
2) I haven't died yet
Saw a bloke in an AA van yesterday crying his eyes out...
Think he was heading for a breakdown!
I went back to see my doctor yesterday.
I said, "I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction."
"Where exactly did you apply it?" he asked.
I said, "On the bus!"
I accidently paid for my groceries with my library card…
My macaroni cheese is due back next Friday!
I was with my new girlfriend the other night getting down and dirty.
I pulled out my fully erect cock and she said "Bloody hell, you could knock somebody out with that!"
I said "Do you really think so?"
She said "Oh yeah, it fucking stinks!"
I bought a blow up doll last week and I must admit it's just like the real thing...
It won't suck me off, it can't cook and it won't clean the house!
Just bought two Harry Potter brooms in Poundland…
Quid-each!
My wife's fanny smells like roses…
But Rose's fanny is tighter!
My boss yelled at me this morning, "It's the fifth time you've been late to work this week! Do you know what that means?"
I said, "It's Friday!"
I went to my mates wedding and I whispered to a bloke next to me, "Fuck me, that bride is pig ugly!"
"Do you mind! That's my daughter you're talking about!"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father."
"I'm not. I'm her mother!"
Research shows that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty minute jog…
So now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
Mobile phones nowadays are so expensive...
When you fall over and hear a crack sound you pray it's your leg!
I live in constant fear that someone will kidnap my mother in law...
She lives alone at Flat 48 Station Road on the 3rd floor and she has just won the lottery.
The keys are under door mat!
Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe,
but if you remove it, you get... Gravy!
My doctor has advised me to stop drinking.
It's going to be a massive change for me… I've been with that doctor for 15 years!
I took my young son camping at the weekend.
As we sat around the fire he said, "I need a shit."
I said, "That's the beauty of camping, you can shit anywhere & you can't get into trouble."
He walked off & came back a few minutes later.
"Where did you have one?"
"In your car!"
I went to see a Psychic last night,
I said to her, "Before I pay you, prove your abilities or I'm leaving."
She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You masturbate a lot."
I said, "Fucking hell! That's brilliant, but how do you know?"
She said, "You're wearing a wedding ring!"
I went to a fish restaurant last night and ordered the Octopus.
The waiter said, "It takes 4 hours to cook."
I replied, "Why?" He said,
"Because it keeps turning the gas off!"
At the Olympics I saw an athlete carrying a long stick and asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"
He replied, "No I'm German but how do you know my name is Walter?"
Managed to get a girl from the club back to my house last night, by telling her I was an Olympic gold medal winner...
"Wow, that's amazing!" she said, lifting it from its stand on the mantelpiece. "What did you win this in?"
"Online auction!"
When I see lovers names carved into a tree, I don't think it's cute...
I just think how strange it is that people take a fucking knife on a date!
Got home from the pub at 4am this morning and the wife was waiting at the front door holding a rolling pin.
I said, "What the hell are you baking at this hour?"
I got home from the pub last night and my wife said, "I can't believe how pissed you are."
Denying it I said, "I'm not drunk."
She said, "Yes you are."
I said, "No I'm fucking not."
She said, "Can you tell the time?"
I walked up to the clock & said, "I'm not fucking drunk!"
So I'm straining on the toilet, pushing as hard as I can, when I hear a popping sound and it suddenly went dark.
My wife shouted, "Darling, are you alright? We've had a power cut."
I replied, "Thank fuck for that. I thought my eyes had exploded!"
I fried an egg on a car bonnet today which taught me two things:
1. It really is hot enough to fry an egg on a car bonnet…
2. People get annoyed when you drop eggs on their car!
If a woman says she'll be ready in 15 minutes, she will be…
No need to remind her every half hour!
