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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
The next meeting of the narcolepsy society izzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
You may laugh but that is exactly what happens at the meetings.
My mother suffered from the condition (which often goes hand in hand with cataplexy). I went to one of these meetings with her once and there must have been 40 or 50 people in attendance.
The guest speaker started talking and within 2 or 3 minutes you could hear a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz . Within 5 to 10 minutes, probably 70% were asleep. It was funny but at the same time you felt sorry for them.
Before she was diagnosed and started medication (which does work) Mum travelled around the world. She must have missed 90% of it as she slept through it
I remember watching a documentary on the subject & as you said, people were just falling asleep
Did you know that there are no canaries in the Canary islands.
Same with the Virgin islands, no canaries there either.
I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee.
I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers
Women only call me ugly until they find out much money I have.
Then they call me ugly and poor!
My mates wife was sat at the table counting all her 5ps and 10ps when all of a sudden she got very angry and then started crying and shouting for no reason....
I thought to myself. She's going through the change...
Don't get me wrong, I love being retired. And maybe it's just me...
but is anyone else finding retirement exhausting And fattening?
I watched two snails having sex in my garden yesterday.
There's sixteen hours I'll never get back.
I've just been given two weeks to live....
The wife's gone away for a fortnight!
Did you hear about the agnostic , dyslexic , insomniac ?
He would lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog?
I lived on a narrow boat with my ex for years.
When we split up I changed all the locks.
The River and Canal authorities went mad!!
Are Geordie home improvements known as D.Y.I ?
I've just got back from a friends' funeral, he died after being hit in the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry,
Apparently it was the serious Burns unit
I’ll never forget my Dad’s last words to me -
“Stop pissing about and hold that effing ladder steady”
A Glaswegian lad, takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his folks
"this is Amanda",
his dad jumps up and says "IT'S A WHAT".???
Same with the Virgin islands, no canaries there either.
I couldn't believe it today when my son came home with two armchairs and a settee.
I've told him a million times, never accept suites from strangers
Women only call me ugly until they find out much money I have.
Then they call me ugly and poor!
My mates wife was sat at the table counting all her 5ps and 10ps when all of a sudden she got very angry and then started crying and shouting for no reason....
I thought to myself. She's going through the change...
Don't get me wrong, I love being retired. And maybe it's just me...
but is anyone else finding retirement exhausting And fattening?
I watched two snails having sex in my garden yesterday.
There's sixteen hours I'll never get back.
I've just been given two weeks to live....
The wife's gone away for a fortnight!
Did you hear about the agnostic , dyslexic , insomniac ?
He would lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog?
I lived on a narrow boat with my ex for years.
When we split up I changed all the locks.
The River and Canal authorities went mad!!
Are Geordie home improvements known as D.Y.I ?
I've just got back from a friends' funeral, he died after being hit in the head by a tennis ball.
It was a lovely service.
At hospital over the weekend I heard a load of patients reciting Scottish poetry,
Apparently it was the serious Burns unit
I’ll never forget my Dad’s last words to me -
“Stop pissing about and hold that effing ladder steady”
A Glaswegian lad, takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his folks
"this is Amanda",
his dad jumps up and says "IT'S A WHAT".???
A magician worked on a cruise ship.
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the Magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, "Look, Its not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" Or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything. It was, after all, the Captain's' parrot.
Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately sank, drowning almost all who were on board.
The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it ... With the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day... And then 2 days. And then 3 days. Finally on the 4th day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said...
"OK, I give up. Where's the fuckin' ship?"
Yes it's telling you that big clock isn't working!!
Hey, just to let you know I caved in. I had the Russian Covid19 vaccination yesterday, and can tell you there are absolutely no negative sideffski efectovski secundariosvki Кто может это прочитать Обожаю Владимира Путина
1. My goal for 2020 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. 25 October 2020 will be the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed
2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
a. Throw it in the trash
b. Grill some meat
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
5. I don't mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
14. 25 October 2020 will be the end of Daylight Saving Time. Hope you don't forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
15. Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed
Got me beat this time mate.. Just cannot see much funny about that ?
What am I missing ?