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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
The dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20 minutes but I couldn't find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
But I still can't find the fucking dog!
A man and a woman can be just friends with no sex involved...
It's called marriage!
How do you spot a vegan at a party?
You don't, they'll soon tell you!
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts.
He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!"
"What would you like on your chips?"
"Does it cost extra?"
"Ten pence."
"Ok. I'll have four sausages and a steak pie!"
I'm in a band called 'Dyslexia'.
We've just released our greatest shit album!
Saw my mate today. He's only got one arm.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
"Change a light bulb," he said.
"That will be hard won't it?" I asked.
"Why?" he said. "I've still got the receipt!"
On Christmas Eve last year I told the wife I was popping to the shops.
She said, "While you’re there can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets.
" I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"
I asked the missus what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, "Just get me something that starts with a D and ends in an O," then gave me a sexy wink and left it at that.
Does anyone know where I can buy a Didgeridoo?
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt.
After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!"
It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
But I still can't find the fucking dog!
A man and a woman can be just friends with no sex involved...
It's called marriage!
How do you spot a vegan at a party?
You don't, they'll soon tell you!
A sweet old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts.
He eats a few and asks her why she isn't having any herself.
"Oh they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t."
"Why did you buy them all then?" wonders the driver.
"You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!"
"What would you like on your chips?"
"Does it cost extra?"
"Ten pence."
"Ok. I'll have four sausages and a steak pie!"
I'm in a band called 'Dyslexia'.
We've just released our greatest shit album!
Saw my mate today. He's only got one arm.
"Where you off to?" I shouted.
"Change a light bulb," he said.
"That will be hard won't it?" I asked.
"Why?" he said. "I've still got the receipt!"
On Christmas Eve last year I told the wife I was popping to the shops.
She said, "While you’re there can you get some fairy liquid, detergent and some dishwasher tablets.
" I said, "Can't you wait till tomorrow when you open your presents?"
I asked the missus what she wanted for Christmas.
She said, "Just get me something that starts with a D and ends in an O," then gave me a sexy wink and left it at that.
Does anyone know where I can buy a Didgeridoo?
I silently farted in bed last night and slowly lifted up the quilt.
After a few seconds my wife shouted, "Bloody hell you dirty git, that stinks!"
It must of been pretty bad. She was downstairs at the time!
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
I lost the dog last night, the wife shouted at me to get back out and call him again, I said she should go looking for the bloody thing if she wanted a good kicking.
Stupid woman thinking I'm walking around our dodgy council estate calling for our stupid black Labrador, how long does she think I'd last if I were to wander about shouting "Here Nigger, here nigger"
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Buried outside the airfield gates after being run over.
There's a fenced off gravestone at Scampton but no-one knows precisely where the dog is buried. Rumour has it that quite a few years ago visitors from a rival squadron based in Germany dug the dead mutt up and held him to ransom. Senior Ruperts took a very dim view and the word went out to return the dog and there would be no further action.
Peter Jackson has been trying to get a remake of the movie started for some time, but you can guess what the sticking point has been. Apparently the Yanks don't want the dogs real name used.
I'm sure if it had been something to do with America's role in the war then it would've been given the green light ages ago and as with the Great Escape, there would no doubt be Yanks onboard every Lanc.
I lost my dog on the beach, in hindsight perhaps naming him “shark” wasn’t such a good idea.
https://twitter.com/Crashingtv/status/1206338370965852163?s=09
The rest of the videos are worth a watch too
The rest of the videos are worth a watch too
