-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Dickiebird
Registered User
Back in the day there were a lot of things that we accepted or took for granted that would be banned now
We weren't so bloody PC or correct or scared of causing offence for a start
My favourite Banksy, sums up the 21st century and social media perfectly....
In Darwin Awards they told of a guy died in a duct trying to get into a restaurant.
https://www.google.ie/search?q=darw...droid-samsung&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
One I liked was the guy who replaced a fuse in a pickup truck with a .22 round.
I think it overheated because it wasn't a firm fit. It detonated, hit the steering colum and hit him in the nuts causing him to ho off the road.
Quiney
Registered User
Older Men and Sex
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more).
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese!
The frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:
North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more).
Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky.
This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the pub, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese!
80,000 blondes are gathered for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "18!" Obviously, everyone is a little disappointed. Then, 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well, since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world-wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "90?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened. The blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "OK! OK! Just one more chance. What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "4?". Throughout the stadium, pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream ... Give her another chance! Give her another chance!
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
A Cornish man goes to the barber for a haircut and is told when he tries to pay "I can't charge you for the haircut, sir, as I'm doing this for my community service." The customer is shocked as his haircut is among the best he's ever had. Next morning the barber finds a dozen boxes of Cornish fudge on his doorstep, ordered by the happy customer as a thank you.
A few days later, a man from Melton Mowbray is in town and goes for a haircut. He is told the same message - the barber is doing the job for community service so can't accept payment. Next morning the barber finds a dozen lovely Melton Mowbray pork pies on his doorstep, which the customer has had delivered as a thank you.
A few days later a Yorkshireman goes through the same process - great haircut, no payment because the barber is doing it for community service. Next morning, the barber finds a dozen Yorkshiremen on his doorstep waiting for a free haircut.
A few days later, a man from Melton Mowbray is in town and goes for a haircut. He is told the same message - the barber is doing the job for community service so can't accept payment. Next morning the barber finds a dozen lovely Melton Mowbray pork pies on his doorstep, which the customer has had delivered as a thank you.
A few days later a Yorkshireman goes through the same process - great haircut, no payment because the barber is doing it for community service. Next morning, the barber finds a dozen Yorkshiremen on his doorstep waiting for a free haircut.
Duck goes up to bar and says to barman-
Gimme some bread
Go away says barman
Duck repeats
Gimme some bread.
Barman says Go away.
Gimme some bread
Get out
Gimme some bread.
If you don't get out I'll nail your beak yo the floor.
Duck says
Have you got a hammer?
Barman says No
Have you got nails?
Barman says No.
Gimme some bread.........
Gimme some bread
Go away says barman
Duck repeats
Gimme some bread.
Barman says Go away.
Gimme some bread
Get out
Gimme some bread.
If you don't get out I'll nail your beak yo the floor.
Duck says
Have you got a hammer?
Barman says No
Have you got nails?
Barman says No.
Gimme some bread.........