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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without WiFi!
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?"
"Thirteen," I said.
Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!"
"So did I!" I said.
I was at a sex education class and the female teacher said,
"Anyone who wants to know how deep a woman's vagina is, please put your hand up."
"And that your honour is why I plead not guilty to the molestation charge against me!"
"Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem Alan!"
This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her…
When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much!
I met a girl at the pub the other night.
I said, "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway."
She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!"
She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan!
My wife watched Fifty Shades Darker with her friends last night.
When she came home she walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other.
I thought, this looks interesting...
She said, "Here, you forgot to walk the fucking dog!"
My porn star mate recently passed away...
As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face!
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears...
Personally, I think it's bollocks!
Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew!
My mate said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!
I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said,
"Give me your number sexy."
I said, "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Yes."
I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing!"
The wife and I were out for our anniversary dinner earlier tonight.
After our meal, the waiter came up to me and asked me, "Sir how did you find the pork belly?"
I replied, "We met 25 years ago in some pub!"
My wife has left me because I keep getting erections in the most inappropriate places...
The last one was in her sister!
Me: "How much for anal?"
Hooker: "Sixty quid."
Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."
Hooker: "Tight arse!"
Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!"
Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.
She replied, ''For cough?''
I said, "Steady on love I only fucking asked!"
I was stood outside the school dropping my son off today when a mother started crying beside me.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"It's my daughters first day," she said. "I'm just worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."
"Well, the doors are a bit narrow," I replied.
I just phoned up to order some incontinence pants...
They asked where I was ringing from.
I told them, "The waist down!"
My wife was upset because she thinks I don't like her cooking…
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy!
My girlfriend asked if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Of course. A couple of times but accidentally."
She called me disgusting and asked what I meant by 'accidentally'.
I replied, "Well these things tend to happen when I'm having a shit!"
Missing someone is a truly awful feeling...
Just ask any sniper!
The majority of people believe that the most washed body part in 2021 was the hands…
But in fact it was the brain!
I was on a first date last night, and as the waiter was clearing our table, my date said she'd like to see more of me…
So I got my knob out!
If I have £10 in one pocket and £10 in the other, what do I have?
Somebody else’s trousers on!
Last week, my next door neighbour asked me, "Seeing as our houses are the same design, can I ask how many rolls of wallpaper you bought to decorate the living room?"
"Thirteen," I said.
Today, he came round looking angry. "I've got three rolls left over!"
"So did I!" I said.
I was at a sex education class and the female teacher said,
"Anyone who wants to know how deep a woman's vagina is, please put your hand up."
"And that your honour is why I plead not guilty to the molestation charge against me!"
"Dad, why is my sister called Teresa?"
"Because your mum loves Easter and Teresa is an anagram of Easter."
"Thanks Dad."
"No problem Alan!"
This morning I noticed my neighbour was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her…
When I got home I told my dog. We laughed so much!
I met a girl at the pub the other night.
I said, "I'm gonna make love to you in my lounge, bedroom, kitchen, and the hallway."
She said, "It's nice to pull a bloke with your kind of stamina!"
She was gutted when I took her back to my caravan!
My wife watched Fifty Shades Darker with her friends last night.
When she came home she walked into the bedroom with a leather strap in one hand and a chain in the other.
I thought, this looks interesting...
She said, "Here, you forgot to walk the fucking dog!"
My porn star mate recently passed away...
As a mark of respect we scattered his ashes over his wife's face!
Sex therapists claim that the most effective way for a woman to arouse a man is to lick his ears...
Personally, I think it's bollocks!
Someone told me when you turn 100 you get a letter from the Queen and when you turn 13 you get a text from Prince Andrew!
My mate said I wasn't a true cockney, so I pushed him down the apples and oranges!
I was in a club on Saturday night when this really ugly girl came up to me, squeezed my arse and said,
"Give me your number sexy."
I said, "Have you got a pen?"
She smiled and said, "Yes."
I said, "Well fuck off back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing!"
The wife and I were out for our anniversary dinner earlier tonight.
After our meal, the waiter came up to me and asked me, "Sir how did you find the pork belly?"
I replied, "We met 25 years ago in some pub!"
My wife has left me because I keep getting erections in the most inappropriate places...
The last one was in her sister!
Me: "How much for anal?"
Hooker: "Sixty quid."
Me: "That's a bit expensive. I think I'll leave it."
Hooker: "Tight arse!"
Me: "Go on then, you've persuaded me!"
Just been to Boots and asked the assistant if they sold Benylin.
She replied, ''For cough?''
I said, "Steady on love I only fucking asked!"
I was stood outside the school dropping my son off today when a mother started crying beside me.
"Are you ok?" I asked.
"It's my daughters first day," she said. "I'm just worried that she won't fit in because of her weight."
"Well, the doors are a bit narrow," I replied.
I just phoned up to order some incontinence pants...
They asked where I was ringing from.
I told them, "The waist down!"
My wife was upset because she thinks I don't like her cooking…
So to prove her wrong I had another slice of gravy!
My girlfriend asked if I had ever pissed in the shower.
I said, "Of course. A couple of times but accidentally."
She called me disgusting and asked what I meant by 'accidentally'.
I replied, "Well these things tend to happen when I'm having a shit!"
Missing someone is a truly awful feeling...
Just ask any sniper!
The majority of people believe that the most washed body part in 2021 was the hands…
But in fact it was the brain!
I was on a first date last night, and as the waiter was clearing our table, my date said she'd like to see more of me…
So I got my knob out!
If I have £10 in one pocket and £10 in the other, what do I have?
Somebody else’s trousers on!
Rabies, probably.....Join the dot's and see what you get!
