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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Elton John thinks sorry seems to be the hardest word.
He clearly hasn’t been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DDs.
It was a ridiculously long name.
Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!
That ship has sailed
The 2 problems we face controlling this pandemic in the UK is how dense our population is... and how dense our population is!
My wife always tells me off for putting the plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards!
She thinks I’m dishlexic!
What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
I have a new neighbour who moved in last week.
She has just come round and brought some really nice homemade chocolate to say hello.
What's her name I hear you ask?
It's Lynn... Lynn Door
Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
Happy Feathers Day to all the dyslexics...
I'm not saying it's rough where I live but Aldi are selling Fathers Day cards in packs of five!
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My car!
A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and holding a shot gun…
"Open the fucking trill!"
I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me!
A guy returns home from the doctors.
His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?" "The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life."
His mate adds, "That's not too bad." The guy says,
"It is - he's only given me four tablets!"
A woman visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge.
"Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out," he says.
She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says, "How does that feel?"
She says, "Fucking fantastic but the discharge is from my ear!"
I was in a long queue in Tesco.
When I finally got to the till the chubby assistant said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Have you tried going on a diet?"
We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out."
She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra.
"The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you!"
My mate asked, "So how come you and your wife have been together for so long and never seem to argue?"
"The key to a good marriage is an adventurous and exciting sex life."
"Really? I never knew that."
"Neither does she!"
Now pay attention 007. These clever devices may save your life...
They're called armbands!
My wife gets jealous when I look at other women.
Probably because I'm doing it with a high zoom lens from our bedroom window… Whilst wanking!
A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned"...
The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"
I came home from the pub 4 hours late last night.
"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore!"
My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem...
At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits!
Had the shits all week...
Thank god they're back at school today!
I was getting on really well with this girl from work, so I asked her, "How would you like me to take you back to my place for a drink and a bit of fun?"
She said, "That's out of the question this week. I'm on my cycle!"
I said, "That's ok. I'll follow you in my car!"
He clearly hasn’t been to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.
I used to go out with a Welsh girl that had 36DDs.
It was a ridiculously long name.
Wanted to make a Suez Canal joke but it’s too late now!
That ship has sailed
The 2 problems we face controlling this pandemic in the UK is how dense our population is... and how dense our population is!
My wife always tells me off for putting the plates and bowls in the wrong cupboards!
She thinks I’m dishlexic!
What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe
I have a new neighbour who moved in last week.
She has just come round and brought some really nice homemade chocolate to say hello.
What's her name I hear you ask?
It's Lynn... Lynn Door
Premature Treejaculation...
The act of putting your Christmas tree up in any month other than December!
Happy Feathers Day to all the dyslexics...
I'm not saying it's rough where I live but Aldi are selling Fathers Day cards in packs of five!
Therapist: So what brings the two of you here today?
My wife: It's impossible to live with him. He’s too literal.
Me: My car!
A budgie walks into a pet shop wearing a balaclava and holding a shot gun…
"Open the fucking trill!"
I was wondering why the frisbee kept looking bigger and bigger, and then it hit me!
A guy returns home from the doctors.
His mate asks, "Why are you looking so miserable?" "The doctor says I have to take one of these tablets every day for the rest of my life."
His mate adds, "That's not too bad." The guy says,
"It is - he's only given me four tablets!"
A woman visits her doctor and tells him she has terrible discharge.
"Ok, take your knickers off and lets check it out," he says.
She drops her knickers and he has a feel around. He says, "How does that feel?"
She says, "Fucking fantastic but the discharge is from my ear!"
I was in a long queue in Tesco.
When I finally got to the till the chubby assistant said, "Sorry about the wait."
I said, "Have you tried going on a diet?"
We were sitting in an empty train carriage late at night when I said to my wife, "Come on love, get them out."
She took her top off and slowly eased her tits out of her bra.
"The tickets," I said. "The inspector's standing behind you!"
My mate asked, "So how come you and your wife have been together for so long and never seem to argue?"
"The key to a good marriage is an adventurous and exciting sex life."
"Really? I never knew that."
"Neither does she!"
Now pay attention 007. These clever devices may save your life...
They're called armbands!
My wife gets jealous when I look at other women.
Probably because I'm doing it with a high zoom lens from our bedroom window… Whilst wanking!
A 12 year old boy goes into the confession box and says,
"Forgive me father for I have sinned"...
The priest replies angrily, "You better not be cheating on me, you little bastard!"
I came home from the pub 4 hours late last night.
"Where the fuck have you been?" screamed my wife.
I said, "I've been playing poker with some blokes."
"Playing poker?" she repeated. "Well, you can pack your bags and go!"
"So can you," I said. "This isn't our house anymore!"
My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem...
At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits!
Had the shits all week...
Thank god they're back at school today!
I was getting on really well with this girl from work, so I asked her, "How would you like me to take you back to my place for a drink and a bit of fun?"
She said, "That's out of the question this week. I'm on my cycle!"
I said, "That's ok. I'll follow you in my car!"
Totally take aback
Back on track then.
