You're an expert at blowing your own trumpet.
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- Thread starter Jaws
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And the one eyed piccolo apparentlyYou're an expert at blowing your own trumpet.
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I used to go out with the lady who did the voice for the speaking clock...
We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day!
The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike...
I just closed the door because my dog doesn't even have a bike!
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus...
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU!
Dear Deidre,
The other day I was standing by my bedroom window, when I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden.
As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me...
Is she a pervert?
Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...
For fucks sake, where do these people get off?
I just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition...
Turns out they all did it, in every room!
"Your nan sucks cock!"
Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though!
My wife bought me a horrible leather jacket, and has somehow convinced me to wear it...
I guess I'm easily suede!
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
My best game of Scrabble ever!
You know what boils my piss? A kettle.
I'm no longer allowed to make the teas or coffees at work!
I said to my wife, "Would you like a Kit-Kat Chunky?"
Over five hours in A&E!
There's 2 blokes in our road, one digging holes and the other just filling them in, so I went over and asked them what they were doing?
They said, "There's normally three of us but the bloke who plants the trees is off sick!"
The mother in law came for Sunday dinner, and while sitting at the table (outside) she moaned, "Why is the dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?"
I replied, "You're using his plate!"
I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour."
I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"
My wife is giving me the speaking treatment again!
During sex last night, my partner whispered in my ear, "Pretend you're my dad."
I was furious. "You are one sick-minded girl, what a disgusting thing to ask me."
I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.
I mean, you don't expect shit like that from your sister, do you?
The difference between men and women:
Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless!
Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out dick and tries to piss until it's clean!
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son today that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo in your pants, but he's still making fun of me!
On the motorway, if the person driving in front turns on their wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...
She'll be changing lanes!
Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair!
Watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and had a wank...
The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the hospital!
I fancied doing an experiment to see how long I could go without having sex...
So I got married!
We had a big falling out though, and now she wont give me the time of day!
The police just knocked at my house to tell me my dog was chasing a kid on a bike...
I just closed the door because my dog doesn't even have a bike!
Scientists have discovered another deadly pathogen they are calling the 'Peekaboo' virus...
Doctor's are sending anyone with Peekaboo, straight to ICU!
Dear Deidre,
The other day I was standing by my bedroom window, when I saw my neighbour's daughter sunbathing topless in the garden.
As I was knocking one out, I turned to notice my wife standing there, arms crossed and staring at me...
Is she a pervert?
Someone stolen all the bus stop signs from our street...
For fucks sake, where do these people get off?
I just bought Cluedo Swingers Edition...
Turns out they all did it, in every room!
"Your nan sucks cock!"
Classic insult, not so funny when she's whispering it in your ear though!
My wife bought me a horrible leather jacket, and has somehow convinced me to wear it...
I guess I'm easily suede!
I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend...
My best game of Scrabble ever!
You know what boils my piss? A kettle.
I'm no longer allowed to make the teas or coffees at work!
I said to my wife, "Would you like a Kit-Kat Chunky?"
Over five hours in A&E!
There's 2 blokes in our road, one digging holes and the other just filling them in, so I went over and asked them what they were doing?
They said, "There's normally three of us but the bloke who plants the trees is off sick!"
The mother in law came for Sunday dinner, and while sitting at the table (outside) she moaned, "Why is the dog sitting here on the floor staring at me?"
I replied, "You're using his plate!"
I was walking past the church on Sunday morning when the vicar shouted at me, "Love your neighbour."
I shouted back, "Me too, cracking pair of tits!"
My wife is giving me the speaking treatment again!
During sex last night, my partner whispered in my ear, "Pretend you're my dad."
I was furious. "You are one sick-minded girl, what a disgusting thing to ask me."
I stormed out of the bedroom and slammed the door.
I mean, you don't expect shit like that from your sister, do you?
The difference between men and women:
Woman sees skid mark in toilet, grabs gloves, toilet brush, disinfectant and scrubs furiously until the toilet is spotless!
Man sees skid mark in toilet, pulls out dick and tries to piss until it's clean!
I tried to explain to my 4 year old son today that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poo in your pants, but he's still making fun of me!
On the motorway, if the person driving in front turns on their wipers when it's not raining it can only mean one thing...
She'll be changing lanes!
Did you know that the flame of a candle smells like burning nasal hair!
Watching my wife getting fingered by another woman, I decided to do what any normal man would do and had a wank...
The midwife wasn't happy though and I'm now banned from the hospital!
I fancied doing an experiment to see how long I could go without having sex...
So I got married!
A mortgage of £100,000 will take a person on an average wage 30 years to,repay.
Holding up a bank and stealing £100,000 will earn a jail sentence of ten years, out in five with good behaviour.
Follow me #@andyBeaker for more financial advice.
Holding up a bank and stealing £100,000 will earn a jail sentence of ten years, out in five with good behaviour.
Follow me #@andyBeaker for more financial advice.
