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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
What do a grenade and a woman have in common?
You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
I'm writing a new book called, “How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations.”
Paddy was checking his Emails. And told me his Password was -
“MickeyminniebatmanrobintomjerryLondon”.
I asked him why it needed to be so long..??? “Because,” he replied, * “I was told, you had to have at least Six Characters and One Capital.”
I am now officially an organ donor.
I cleaned the shed out yesterday, and gave a Casio keyboard to Oxfam.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
They man who invited predictive text died yesterday.. his funfair is next monkey 2.00pm at the church
When I was a lad, my Mum would send me down the shop with a shilling, and I'd come back with 5 lbs of spuds, 2 loaves, 3 pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs !
You can't do that now....... too many bloody security cameras !
The Welsh language... ...was invented by someone losing at Scrabble.
A guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live.
He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever
For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.
I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
SEXTING TRANSLATIONS FOR THE OVER 60'S
Sat here throbbing = Stubbed my toe
I'm so wet = Just spilt tea in my lap
Aching for you = Pulled a muscle swallowing my cod liver oil tablets
You make my head spin = I stood up to quickly
I got a piercing today = Went for a blood test
You remove the ring and your whole house is gone.
Why do wives use twice as many words as their husbands?
Because they have to repeat everything they say.
At a session with a marriage counsellor, the wife snapped at her husband: "That's not true! I do so enjoy sex!"
Then, turning to the counsellor, she explained: "But this animal expects it four or five times a year!"
I'm writing a new book called, “How to be concise and get straight to the point using the minimum of diminutive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations.”
Paddy was checking his Emails. And told me his Password was -
“MickeyminniebatmanrobintomjerryLondon”.
I asked him why it needed to be so long..??? “Because,” he replied, * “I was told, you had to have at least Six Characters and One Capital.”
I am now officially an organ donor.
I cleaned the shed out yesterday, and gave a Casio keyboard to Oxfam.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
They man who invited predictive text died yesterday.. his funfair is next monkey 2.00pm at the church
When I was a lad, my Mum would send me down the shop with a shilling, and I'd come back with 5 lbs of spuds, 2 loaves, 3 pints of milk, a pound of cheese, a packet of tea, and half a dozen eggs !
You can't do that now....... too many bloody security cameras !
The Welsh language... ...was invented by someone losing at Scrabble.
A guy who was told by his doctor that he has only 6 months to live.
He decides to move in with his mother-in-law, because living with her for 6 months will seem like forever
For my holidays last year, I threw a dart at a map of the world and decided to go to wherever it landed.
I had a fantastic two weeks sat next to the skirting board.
SEXTING TRANSLATIONS FOR THE OVER 60'S
Sat here throbbing = Stubbed my toe
I'm so wet = Just spilt tea in my lap
Aching for you = Pulled a muscle swallowing my cod liver oil tablets
You make my head spin = I stood up to quickly
I got a piercing today = Went for a blood test
There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep.
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attention, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
