-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
There is a plane carrying 5 passengers:
Nicola Sturgeon, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, The Pope and a 10 year old school boy.
The plane begins to go down and is about to crash. There is only 4 parachutes on board.
Nicola Sturgeon says "I have to live, I have the Scottish independence to sort out." and takes a parachute and jumps.
The Pope says "I have to live, I have sort out the Catholic Church." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Donald Trump says "I have to live, I'm the smartest man in America." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Boris Johnson looks at the 10 year old school boy and says "You can have the last parachute. I'm alot older than you and I've lived my life, yours has yet to begin."
The 10 year old school boy says "Don't worry Mr Johnson. There's 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in America just took my school bag."
Nicola Sturgeon, Boris Johnson, Donald Trump, The Pope and a 10 year old school boy.
The plane begins to go down and is about to crash. There is only 4 parachutes on board.
Nicola Sturgeon says "I have to live, I have the Scottish independence to sort out." and takes a parachute and jumps.
The Pope says "I have to live, I have sort out the Catholic Church." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Donald Trump says "I have to live, I'm the smartest man in America." and takes a parachute and jumps.
Boris Johnson looks at the 10 year old school boy and says "You can have the last parachute. I'm alot older than you and I've lived my life, yours has yet to begin."
The 10 year old school boy says "Don't worry Mr Johnson. There's 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in America just took my school bag."
Not the first time it's been clattered, looking at the other dings.
Two Nuns Travelling in a Car
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.Suddenly, out of nowhere, a diminutive Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water in the Vatican," says Sister Helen.
Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn as she opens the window and shouts at the top of her lugs, "Get the hell off our fucking car!"
Farmer Joe's Day In Court
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe."Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'."
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain
For all of you out there who have had to
deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir, you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain
TV host here was in similar situation.
True story.
The guy in front of him was being totally disagreeable. The woman on the desk was saying, yes sir, of course sir, etc....
When he was gone the TV host said
"You were very patient........."
She replied not a problem.
"He's going to New York but his luggage is going to Glasgow"
True story.
The guy in front of him was being totally disagreeable. The woman on the desk was saying, yes sir, of course sir, etc....
When he was gone the TV host said
"You were very patient........."
She replied not a problem.
"He's going to New York but his luggage is going to Glasgow"
