-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
My Grandkids go to St John the baptist C of E school which is right next to St John the baptist Church, every so often at about 11pm (when all the schoolkids should be asleep) the bells will ring out for anything up to an hour, I actually commented to my Grandson & Granddaughter’s teachers that if they were to fall asleep during class it’s because they will be catching up on lost sleep due to an inconsiderate vicar.
Waitress: "Are you ready to order?"
Me: "My wife is in the ladies."
Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?"
Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!"
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!" everyone cheered.
Going into my teenage daughters bedroom is like a trip to IKEA...
I went in for a look and came out with 6 cups, 4 plates, 3 bowls and some cutlery!
Did you hear about the blind man who went skydiving?
Well he loved it, but it really scared his dog!
"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"
Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.
"Yes, Johnny?" "My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contagious!"
I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss.
I noticed he kept winking at me like crazy.
Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?"
He replied "No you’re splashing in my fucking eyes!"
Got caught stealing a leg of lamb from the supermarket.
The security guard said, "What are you doing with that?"
I replied, "Potatoes, peas and gravy!"
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
A woman just asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.
I told her I was more into shaved fannies, and anal...
Apparently that isn't an appropriate answer in KFC!
If you're planning to split up with your missus make sure her bags are packed and the taxi is booked for 8pm on a Thursday so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her!
Good deed done for the day.
In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, £63 of shopping but her card was declined.
I was feeling helpful especially with the Corona Virus pandemic at the moment and you've got to help out, so I helped her put it all back!
"Doctor, Doctor, please help! I'm getting married soon and I can't get over my fear of wedding vows. Do you know of a cure?"
"I can't say I do."
"Not you as well!"
Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands!
Went into a motorway service station yesterday and bought one of their £5 meal deals...
It's called a Twix!
Me: "My wife is in the ladies."
Waitress: "Do you know what she's having?"
Me: "Well she has been gone 10 minutes so probably a shit!"
Sad news at the Nestle factory today when a member of staff was seriously injured when a pallet of chocolate fell more than 50 feet and crushed him underneath...
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he shouted, "The milky bars are on me!" everyone cheered.
Going into my teenage daughters bedroom is like a trip to IKEA...
I went in for a look and came out with 6 cups, 4 plates, 3 bowls and some cutlery!
Did you hear about the blind man who went skydiving?
Well he loved it, but it really scared his dog!
"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"
Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.
"Yes, Johnny?" "My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contagious!"
I was standing at a urinal earlier today and next to me was a midget also having a piss.
I noticed he kept winking at me like crazy.
Disturbed by this, I said "Are you gay? Do you fancy me or something?"
He replied "No you’re splashing in my fucking eyes!"
Got caught stealing a leg of lamb from the supermarket.
The security guard said, "What are you doing with that?"
I replied, "Potatoes, peas and gravy!"
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello
A woman just asked me if I preferred legs or breasts.
I told her I was more into shaved fannies, and anal...
Apparently that isn't an appropriate answer in KFC!
If you're planning to split up with your missus make sure her bags are packed and the taxi is booked for 8pm on a Thursday so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her!
Good deed done for the day.
In the queue at Tesco and there was a little old lady in front of me, £63 of shopping but her card was declined.
I was feeling helpful especially with the Corona Virus pandemic at the moment and you've got to help out, so I helped her put it all back!
"Doctor, Doctor, please help! I'm getting married soon and I can't get over my fear of wedding vows. Do you know of a cure?"
"I can't say I do."
"Not you as well!"
Has anyone lost £2,000 wrapped in elastic bands?
I've found your elastic bands!
Went into a motorway service station yesterday and bought one of their £5 meal deals...
It's called a Twix!
Last edited:
While our riding the Blackbird last week I came round a corner a bit quick to find a sheep in the road. I swerved to avoid it and put the bike into a ditch.
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a cold beer and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. Stay a while she won’t mind, where is she?
"Still in that ditch with my bike, I guess."
Dazed and confused, I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman driving who asked, "Are you okay?"
As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for...
"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”
"That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!
"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a cold beer and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. Stay a while she won’t mind, where is she?
"Still in that ditch with my bike, I guess."
I could never understand why they built 'Stonehenge' so close to the main road!
You cant blame the builders its the drippy hippy's being to stoned to decide what they actually want
Nah it's definitely the builders. They've just nipped off to finish up on another job but don't worry, they'll be back next week and will crack on then.You cant blame the builders its the drippy hippy's being to stoned to decide what they actually want
Wonder what kind of roof they will put on it?