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Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
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Beaker in the bog reminds me of a true story.
Guy went into deli in the midlands to get a sandwich.
I think he commented on the bad weather.
The girl replied as she was making the sandwich "it could be worse, yer ass could be dead and yer turf on the bog"
Translations provided at a cost
Guy went into deli in the midlands to get a sandwich.
I think he commented on the bad weather.
The girl replied as she was making the sandwich "it could be worse, yer ass could be dead and yer turf on the bog"
Translations provided at a cost
It is a slow day in the small Saskatchewan town of Pumphandle, and streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody is living on credit. A tourist visiting the area drives through town, stops at the motel, and lays a $100 bill on the desk saying he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs to pick one for the night. As soon as he walks upstairs, the motel owner grabs the bill and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher. The butcher takes the $100 and runs down the street to retire his debt to the pig farmer. The pig farmer takes the $100 and heads off to pay his bill to his supplier, the Co-op. The guy at the Co-op takes the $100 and runs to pay his debt to the local prostitute, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer her "services" on credit. The hooker rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill with the hotel owner. The hotel proprietor then places the $100 back on the counter so the traveler will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveler comes down the stairs, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, picks up the $100 bill and leaves. No one produced anything. No one earned anything... However, the whole town is now out of debt and now looks to the future with a lot more optimism. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a Stimulus package works.
Squirrels Find Religion
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
As a band of squirrels had become quite a problem, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about their squirrel infestation. After much prayer and consideration, they concluded that the squirrels were predestined to be there, and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will. At the Baptist church the squirrels had taken an interest in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a water-slide on the baptistery and let the squirrels drown themselves. The squirrels liked the slide and unfortunately, knew instinctively how to swim, so twice as many squirrels showed up the following week. The Lutheran church decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creatures. So, they humanely trapped their squirrels and set them free near the Baptist church. Two weeks later the squirrels were back when the Baptists took down the water-slide. The Episcopalians tried a much more unique path by setting out pans of whiskey around their church in an effort to kill the squirrels with alcohol. They sadly learned how much damage a band of drunk squirrels can do. But the Catholic church came up with a very creative strategy! They baptized all the squirrels and made them members of the church. Now they only see them at Christmas and Easter. And not much was heard from the Jewish synagogue. They took the first squirrel and circumcised him. They haven't seen a squirrel since.
A man says to his friend, "I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months"....
The friend says, "Why not"...?
The man says, "I don’t like to interrupt her".......!!!
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do -
Cancel all sports, shutdown all bars & keep men at home!
I went to a wife swapping party once and threw my keys in the middle.
Ended up on a date with an AA box !
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day, he's head of quality control at Walkers.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I've just seen a sign in the cobblers saying "Watch Batteries Fitted"
I thought "Why would I want to do that?"...
Just bought some Viagra tea bags.
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.
What do you call a nervous Javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I was playing chess with a friend and he said, '"Let's make this interesting"...
So we stopped playing chess!
A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just getting started when a fly started buzzing around his head and flew into the cow's ear.
He didn't think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket
It had gone in one ear and out the udder .
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits then
I said to him, "So, what is all this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?"
He replied, "I haven't got a clue, I've never got this far before!"
BREAKING NEWS:
Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have tested positive for hypothermia.
The friend says, "Why not"...?
The man says, "I don’t like to interrupt her".......!!!
This virus has done what no woman has been able to do -
Cancel all sports, shutdown all bars & keep men at home!
I went to a wife swapping party once and threw my keys in the middle.
Ended up on a date with an AA box !
I met Phil Spector's brother, Crispin, the other day, he's head of quality control at Walkers.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I've just seen a sign in the cobblers saying "Watch Batteries Fitted"
I thought "Why would I want to do that?"...
Just bought some Viagra tea bags.
They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.
What do you call a nervous Javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
I was playing chess with a friend and he said, '"Let's make this interesting"...
So we stopped playing chess!
A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just getting started when a fly started buzzing around his head and flew into the cow's ear.
He didn't think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket
It had gone in one ear and out the udder .
A Jehovah's Witness knocked on my door today so I invited him in, gave him tea and biscuits then
I said to him, "So, what is all this Jehovah's Witness thing about then?"
He replied, "I haven't got a clue, I've never got this far before!"
BREAKING NEWS:
Two people found sunbathing in Scotland today have tested positive for hypothermia.
