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Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
Lads, if your relationship fails, don't put the blame on her. It takes two to fuck up a relationship...
Blame her and her fucking mother!
I was looking at a jacket in a shop today and the saleswoman asked if I wanted to try it on…
So I told her she had nice tits!
My friends refuse to believe that I can swallow 50 Kinder Eggs…
But I'm full of surprises!
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills…
Those were Goodyears!
My mate and his wife were out for their anniversary dinner.
The waiter came up to him and asked, "Sir, how did you find the pork belly?"
"We met 25 years ago in some pub!"
So glad I was taught the recorder at school...
I've lost count of the number of times in adult life when difficult situations were resolved with a quick blast of 3 blind fucking mice!
Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit," wasn't really the answer I was looking for!
"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," went from being a fun little kids song to a list of things that hurt!
I was talking to my mate and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward next weekend."
I replied, "They go forward all the time, prick!"
Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here"...
Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?
There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday…
We all assembled in the car park!
I've been hanging out a lot at the gym…
The Manager told me I must wear bigger shorts in future!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off!
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…
How do they sleep at night?
A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss...
This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss.
Can't think what the car was though!
How do deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?
My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem...
At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits!
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
As a plane is about to crash, a female passenger announces, "If I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes her clothes. "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt. "Here, iron this!"
I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it!"
A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The barman says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The bloke says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The barman says, "What do you have?"
The bloke replies, "About 75p!"
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather!
I was very sad to hear about a poor lady who lost her dog in Boston Massachusetts in 2020.
Still, never mind, good old Sandra has just shared a Facebook post on the off chance that it turns up in Wigan!
My kids have been on Ebay all day…
No takers, might have to lower the price!
My wife asked how come I never farted whilst we were dating...
I told her it was because I didn't acquire an arsehole until AFTER we were married!
Dad: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
Son: "Haha you can't fool me again, a chair!"
Dad: "Not this time. Our dog died!"
I asked my wife if she wanted a quickie?
"As opposed to what?" she answered.
Just seen my ex with her new bloke and I couldn't help but notice how much he looked exactly like me when I was with her…
Fucking miserable!
My friend told me the other day that if the world was about to end, he would fuck everything that moves.
He then asked what I would do...
I replied, "Stand perfectly fucking still!"
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!
When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open.
I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile.
I said, "Thank fuck for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"
Blame her and her fucking mother!
I was looking at a jacket in a shop today and the saleswoman asked if I wanted to try it on…
So I told her she had nice tits!
My friends refuse to believe that I can swallow 50 Kinder Eggs…
But I'm full of surprises!
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills…
Those were Goodyears!
My mate and his wife were out for their anniversary dinner.
The waiter came up to him and asked, "Sir, how did you find the pork belly?"
"We met 25 years ago in some pub!"
So glad I was taught the recorder at school...
I've lost count of the number of times in adult life when difficult situations were resolved with a quick blast of 3 blind fucking mice!
Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit," wasn't really the answer I was looking for!
"Head, shoulders, knees and toes," went from being a fun little kids song to a list of things that hurt!
I was talking to my mate and he said, "Don't forget the clocks go forward next weekend."
I replied, "They go forward all the time, prick!"
Just been to my local hospital and I saw a sign saying "Thieves Operate Here"...
Surely it would be safer to leave it to the Surgeons?
There was a fire drill at IKEA yesterday…
We all assembled in the car park!
I've been hanging out a lot at the gym…
The Manager told me I must wear bigger shorts in future!
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent…
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off!
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life. ..
Push and Pull!
Did you know that the Icelandic alphabet does not contain the letter Z…
How do they sleep at night?
A recent survey says that the first car you drive is as memorable as your first kiss...
This is very true. I still remember mine, an old banger that stank of piss.
Can't think what the car was though!
How do deaf people tell the difference between a yawn and a scream?
My wife is losing patience with my premature ejaculation problem...
At first she took it on the chin, but now it gets on her tits!
Just saw three people jogging outside my window, and it inspired me...
To get up and close the curtains. That's enough interaction with people today!
As a plane is about to crash, a female passenger announces, "If I'm going to die I want to die feeling like a woman."
She removes her clothes. "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"
A man stands up, removes his shirt. "Here, iron this!"
I hate people that say, "He's a nice person once you get to know him."
They might as well just say, "He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it!"
A bloke goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The barman says, "Why are you drinking so fast?"
The bloke says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."
The barman says, "What do you have?"
The bloke replies, "About 75p!"
When it's sunny I think 'Beer garden.'
When it rains I usually go to the pub for a while.
When it's snowing I like to sit in front of the TV with a case of Beer.
I'm starting to think I have a problem with the weather!
I was very sad to hear about a poor lady who lost her dog in Boston Massachusetts in 2020.
Still, never mind, good old Sandra has just shared a Facebook post on the off chance that it turns up in Wigan!
My kids have been on Ebay all day…
No takers, might have to lower the price!
My wife asked how come I never farted whilst we were dating...
I told her it was because I didn't acquire an arsehole until AFTER we were married!
Dad: "Hey son, what has 4 legs and doesn't breathe?"
Son: "Haha you can't fool me again, a chair!"
Dad: "Not this time. Our dog died!"
I asked my wife if she wanted a quickie?
"As opposed to what?" she answered.
Just seen my ex with her new bloke and I couldn't help but notice how much he looked exactly like me when I was with her…
Fucking miserable!
My friend told me the other day that if the world was about to end, he would fuck everything that moves.
He then asked what I would do...
I replied, "Stand perfectly fucking still!"
Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall!
Turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her stick for help..
Feel a bit guilty about the wank now!
When I arrive home last night my girlfriend was sat opposite me with her legs wide open.
I said to her, "Are you wearing crotchless knickers?"
"Oh, yes!" she replied with a little smile.
I said, "Thank fuck for that. I thought the sofa had burst!"
Wash out your mouth with soap.........
