-
Welcome to the new B.I.R.D. Forum. Please be sure to read the "New Member / New Registered ? Please Read" thread in the Coffee Shop. This contains some important information. To become a full member ( £5.90 a year ) simply click on your user name near the top on the right I hope you enjoy the new site ................ Jaws ( John )
Daily Smile thread
- Thread starter Jaws
- Start date
I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner...
I asked what the dress code was and told to just come in my pants!
My mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...
He entered his sister!
I was offered sex today with a 21 year old woman.
In exchange I had to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined because I am a man of high morals with strong will power.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon
There will be a special advent calendar this Christmas.
Behind every door there will be a voter telling Jeremy Corbyn to fuck off...
My mate said to me today, "If I shagged your missus would it make us enemies?"
I said, "No."
Confused, he said, "Would it make us friends?"
I said, "No."
So he said, "What would it make us?"
I said, "Even!"
If you had to choose between a lottery jackpot and your missus...
What car would you buy?
My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday."
Not the best postcard I've ever received!
A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just getting started when a fly started buzzing around his head and flew into the cow's ear.
He didn't think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket...
It had gone in one ear and out the udder!
I was sat in a cafe yesterday, and my phone kept getting pictures of stews and casseroles on its screen...
Turned out I was in a wireless hotpot!
A man goes into the pharmacy and asks for something for hiccups.
The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the mans face hard.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Couldn't be arsed altering all the clocks in the house,
so I've decided to just watch ITV+1 for the next six months!
Was having a cheeky wank in the toilet at work, when I noticed somebody had picked their nose and wiped it on the wall...
The filthy bastard!
Walking down the street with my mate and we saw a dog licking his balls.
My mate turns to me and goes, "I wish I could do that."
"He'd bite you," I replied.
Met a prostitute last night who said she'd do anything for £20...
Guess who's just had their kitchen painted!
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then!"
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little shit," I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.
I asked what the dress code was and told to just come in my pants!
My mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...
He entered his sister!
I was offered sex today with a 21 year old woman.
In exchange I had to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner.
Of course I declined because I am a man of high morals with strong will power.
Just as strong as Ajax, the super strong bathroom cleaner, now available in scented lemon
There will be a special advent calendar this Christmas.
Behind every door there will be a voter telling Jeremy Corbyn to fuck off...
My mate said to me today, "If I shagged your missus would it make us enemies?"
I said, "No."
Confused, he said, "Would it make us friends?"
I said, "No."
So he said, "What would it make us?"
I said, "Even!"
If you had to choose between a lottery jackpot and your missus...
What car would you buy?
My wife told me, "Sex is better on holiday."
Not the best postcard I've ever received!
A farmer was milking his cow.
He was just getting started when a fly started buzzing around his head and flew into the cow's ear.
He didn't think much about it, until the fly suddenly squirted out into his bucket...
It had gone in one ear and out the udder!
I was sat in a cafe yesterday, and my phone kept getting pictures of stews and casseroles on its screen...
Turned out I was in a wireless hotpot!
A man goes into the pharmacy and asks for something for hiccups.
The pharmacist reaches out and slaps the mans face hard.
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
Couldn't be arsed altering all the clocks in the house,
so I've decided to just watch ITV+1 for the next six months!
Was having a cheeky wank in the toilet at work, when I noticed somebody had picked their nose and wiped it on the wall...
The filthy bastard!
Walking down the street with my mate and we saw a dog licking his balls.
My mate turns to me and goes, "I wish I could do that."
"He'd bite you," I replied.
Met a prostitute last night who said she'd do anything for £20...
Guess who's just had their kitchen painted!
My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?"
I said, "It's not what you think, it's ice cream."
She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?"
I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"
Some bloke started talking to me in the pub last night.
"My mate came off his motorbike today," he said.
"Oh really?" I asked.
"Yes," he replied. "He has slight brain damage, 2 broken arms and is completely blind in one eye."
"Blimey," I said. "No wonder he came off it then!"
I saw my dwarf neighbour at a bus stop.
"Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.
"Fuck off" he shouted back.
"What an ungrateful little shit," I thought, as I zipped my rucksack and continued my walk.
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
A: Finding out it was traced.
Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A: Two Test-tickles
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls.
Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit
A: After five years your job still sucks.
Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?
A: A tearjerker.
Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?
A: Even thoughts can raise them.
Q: What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Q: What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
A: Finding out it was traced.
Q: Why didn't the Toilet Paper cross the road?
A: It got stuck in a crack
Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?
A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese
Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?
A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!
Q: What's the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?
A: Two Test-tickles
Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?
A: A good thing screwed up by a period.
Q: What do a Rubik's cube and a penis have in common?
A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!
Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?
A: Tickle its balls.
Q: What does a perverted frog say?
A: Rubbit
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?
A: a PDF File
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog's finger
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand
Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.
Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste
A: a PDF File
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
Q: What's green and smells like pork?
A: Kermit the frog's finger
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?
A: A Pasta-tute
Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?
A: Eve, because she made Adam's banana stand
Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?
A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.
Q: What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?
A: They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."
Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an alter boy.
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most.
Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?
A: A submarine
Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?
A: You can drop them off anywhere.
Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?
A: Good morning ladies.
Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?
A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice
Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?
A: They are both meat substitutes!
Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?
A: Addictionary.
Q: What is Moby Dick's dad's name?
A: Papa Boner
Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?
A: She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles
Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: By the taste
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A: Getting off once isn't enough
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?
A: There are 20 of them!
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: What’s the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A: The man.
Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent!
Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife died
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?
A: Tug-of-whore.
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?
A: Getting off once isn't enough
Q: How is a woman like a road?
A: Both have manholes.
Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his butt.
Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A: Her navel.
Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
A: I want you inside me!
Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.
Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?
A: Because they are used to eating nuts!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We’re closed.
Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?
A: Married.
Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
A: Because they won't stop to ask directions.
Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?
A: He only comes once a year.
Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?
A: There are 20 of them!
Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.
Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.
Q: What’s the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?
A: They both irritate the crap out of you.
Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.
Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?
A: The man.
Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?
A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.
Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.
Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?
A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.
Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?
A: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Q: Why can't you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?
A: Because the 'p' is silent!
Q: What's better than roses on your piano?
A: Tulips on your organ.
Q: What's the difference between being hungry and being horny?
A: Where you put the cucumber
Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?
A: A cherry float
Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?
A: Because his wife died
Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?
A: A liquor cabinet
ianrobbo1
good looking AND modest
Q: What's the difference between a bag of coke and a baby?
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window
Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees
Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow him around.
Q: What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A: Just trying to fit in
Q: What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
A: Eric Clapton would never let a bag of coke fall out the window
Q: What's the difference between a hockey player and a hippie chick?
A: The hockey player takes a shower after three periods.
Q: What kind of bees make milk?
A: Boo-Bees
Q: What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator?
A: The refrigerator doesn't fart when you take your meat out
Q: What do you call an expert fisherman?
A: A Master Baiter
Q: What's the difference between a girl and a washing machine?
A: When a guy dumps a load in the washing machine, it doesn't follow him around.
Q: What's the worst thing about being a pedophile?
A: Just trying to fit in
Q: What's the best thing about a gypsy on her period?
A: When you finger her, you get your palm red for free.
